Endgame

This is a spoiler heavy article.

You’ve been warned.

***SPOILERS***

So, on that note, let’s start with the biggest spoiler of the entire film : Does Iron Man die?

No, no he does not.

I appreciate some people who watched the movie may disagree. I can see why they have got confused, what with it showing him die, without any wiggle room for doubt. I mean it’s not subtle, it’s not questionable, he’s very dead. Or is he?

Let’s try something else. Do Jean and Scott die in X-Men: Last Stand.

Sure, they do, but then timey- wimey stuff and they’re fine at the end of Days of Future Past.

But, timey-wimey stuff and Tony still ends up dead right? Only because Endgame breaks the golden rule of time travel movies. 

Finish on the final timeline, not the original timeline. 

It is very common for bad stuff to happen in the original timeline, and various timelines in the middle can get even worse, but the film ends on the final timeline which sees everything working out nicely.

Now, Endgame itself lists a bunch of these other movies and states that they are bullshit for using the “wrong” theory for how time travel works. But, even when the multi-verse theory used by Endgame is used, the golden rule still normally applies. Take Dragonball Z for example. Same time travel theory, do most of the main characters die? In the original timeline, yes, they’re all slaughtered by the Androids along with a high proportion of humanity. But that is NOT the timeline the story focuses on. It is the last, not the original, timeline that is considered to be the main one. The last timeline has everyone saved thanks to Trunks warnings from the alternative (original) future.

Endgame breaks the golden rule. It focuses entirely on the original timeline from start to finish. In this original timeline, Dr Strange informs Tony that the 1 in 14 million chance for them to “win” relies on Tony’s sacrifice. For an original timeline, it ends reasonably happily. Yes, Tony dies, but the vast majority of people don’t. 

But was this the “win” Dr Strange was talking about? Sure it definitely could count as a win, but let’s take another look if we applied the Golden Rule and finished this movie like every other time travel film.

After witnessing Tony’s death, Captain America goes back one more time. And stays there. It is hinted at that a big reason for Captain America’s decision is because Tony died - is this still part of Dr Strange’s plan?

It is this timeline that the Captain stays in that is the last timeline created, hence this final timeline that *should* have been the end of the movie.

What happens in this final timeline? Good question. The film skips that part. But you can make a few fairly safe assumptions based on how happy the Captain appears to be at the end of it:

Captain America lives his life with the love of his life.

He saves Bucky from becoming the Winter Solider.

He stops Hydra from infiltrating Shield.

He saves Tony’s parents. He probably becomes like an uncle to Tony growing up. He encourages Tony to use his gifts for the good of humanity a lot sooner.

He prevents Thanos from ever getting the infinity stones. This could be done in various plausible ways, but he definitely does it. That smile is not from a man who just lived through the flick a second time around.

You can assume various other things about this final timeline, pretty much all of it good. Captain America has detailed knowledge of the future for Earth, Asguard and beyond, with decades to put right what once went wrong. And it ends with him smiling.

He keeps Tony alive.

Maybe that’s Dr Strange’s real win?

Thor: Ragnarok

This is spoiler heavy for a film you should really watch. So if you haven’t seen it yet, what are you still doing here? 

***Spoilers***

For those who don’t know, Thor Ragnarok is based on a story from long ago: The Transformers.

I mean, sure, you can probably see some influences from, like, Marvel Comics and old Norse mythology too, but mostly The Transformers.

For the avoidance of any doubt, I am of course referring to the 1986 animated Transformers movie. Apparently some idiot made some nonsense with a similar name more recently. We do not speak of those monstrosities.

I feel like you’re probably not spotting the Thor connection yet, so let me show you some comparisons:

Optimus Prime/Odin - the powerful leader, who will always be there to protect his people. The loyal viewers of the series so far will know nothing bad will ever really happen while he’s around... holy s*#t what just happened? The film is only just starting!

Hot Rod/Thor - the idiot who likes showing off. You’re going to make him king aren’t you?

Megatron/Loki - the bad ass enemy who uses brain over brawn. Damn, he’s sexy. Based on the series to date he’ll be the big bad again here...

Unicorn/Hela - holy s*#t. You just made Megatron/Loki seriously obsolete. Whoa.

Iron Hide, Wheeljack etc/Warriors Three etc - beloved characters, can’t wait to see what they get up to... wait, did they just... but they come back later right? Right?!?!

Grimlock/Hulk - smash!

I think I’ve proved my point.

Aside from the mass slaughter to make way for a new series of toys, Thor Ragnarok is actually a really fun, humorous film that is definitely worth a watch. It’s a film that focuses on being highly entertaining, spending no time at all on things like “setting the scene”. You are expected to know what’s happened previously so it just dives right in.

But you already knew that, given you’ve already seen it.

What’s interesting about Ragnarok is the potential impact on the rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Until now, death in the MCU has been either temporary or a monumental event. Or both. In Ragnarok, the Goddess of Death totally rips up the rule book. Characters die - get over it.

With very little known about Marvel’s plans after the Infinity Wars, is Ragnarok just the start of things to come? 

Don’t worry, I have a feeling everything will work out just fine.

Logan

The early reviews of Logan are in and the vast majority of the internet is in agreement:

Logan is a masterpiece.

It's difficult to find any reviews that give it less than 8 out of 10, a lot of reviews giving it the top marks. The first 100,069 people to rate it on IMDB give it an average score of 8.7.

All of this can only lead me to one conclusion: Everything I'm about to say must be wrong, because I didn't like it.

It's not that I disagree with all the things the rest of the internet has said about the film, but I can't help feeling most of the reviews are missing one crucial point: there is nothing in this movie to "like".

There is no humour, there is nothing light hearted, there is no hope, no joy, no happy ending, nothing to produce any positive feelings in the viewer at all. It is a depressing film from start to finish, and it feels like that's entirely intentional. It feels like the only goal of this film was "to be sad".

I'm not against sad films, but the beauty of a sad film is how, despite everything, that ray of hope shines through. Logan is over two hours of just misery from start to finish.

It starts in the not too distant future of 2029. The X-Men have failed, and are presumably all dead given that no one is around to help an aging Xavier die with dignity. Instead Xavier has been left in the completely incapable hands of a suicidal alcoholic Logan.

How low has Logan sunk? So low that on several occasions throughout the film he tries to abandon a small girl to almost certain death, even when Xavier is begging him to protect her.

After that, things steadily get more depressing as the film goes on. Seriously.

I'm sure you'll go see it anyway, but at least now you've been warned.

The Dark Knight Rises

In the comics, Bane is known as “The Man Who Broke The Bat” – the man who defeated Batman, broke his spine, then let him live just so he could suffer. The Dark Knight Rises follows closely to that story, with one fairly major tweak:

The man who broke the bat was Heath Ledger’s Joker.

Eight years after the events of Dark Knight, we start our film with a Bruce Wayne that is already broken. Not only has he not been Batman during these eight years, he hasn’t been Bruce either. He doesn’t leave the house, he can barely walk and his company is going down the drain.


With an opening like that, and a title like this one, there is surely only one way this character can go.


Down…?


Although not an awful movie at all, this movie does have a lot of problems and just doesn’t live up to the previous installment. There are some scenes that are a bit silly, some bits of the story that are illogical, but the biggest issue is that Batman kinda sucks in this movie. Seriously, this is a Batman movie that will have kids fighting to be Robin when they play together.


Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of Bat-fails from the movie. Note – it’s also a list of pretty much every scene Batman has.


*SPOILERS*

1. Batman meets Catwoman – she knocks him down with ease and steals his mum’s necklace and his fingerprints.

2. Robin figures out his secret identity with almost no effort.

3. Batman meets Catwoman again – he takes back the necklace… but loses his car.

4. Batman fails to stop Bane from messing up the stock market – he actually helps Bane to escape by distracting the cops.

5. Batman loses all his money and his company – he gets kicked out of his own board meeting.

6. Batman successfully manages to get his chosen successor to take over the company… but she turns out to be the main villain.

7. Alfred walks out on Batman.

8. Batman meets Catwoman again – she leads him straight into a trap.

9. Bane slaps Batman around with ease, breaks his back, steals his toys, then drops him in a prison to rot.

10. Batman fails several times to make it out of the prison – something that a little girl could do.

11. Batman, after his glorious “rise”, comes back for his final battle with Bane – it ends with Catwoman saving him from otherwise certain death.

12. He refuses to stop talking in his silly Bat-voice, even when everyone who can hear him knows he’s Bruce Wayne.


At no point during this movie does Batman ever really “rise” – at no point does he do anything remarkable. Sure he does have a couple of small wins, but they’re clouded at best. Namely:

1. He gets out of the prison… eventually… but so did a little girl, with no training.

2. He makes it back to Gotham, with no money, little food, no idea where he is… but this is all done off screen.

3. He saves Gordon… but only just, and he wastes so much time putting together a big fiery bat symbol first.

4. He flies the bomb safely away… after wasting time chatting and kissing with less than 5 minutes to detonation… also he’s not really in the plane.


In comparison, every other character makes more sense and is more useful to the plot.


The other issue with this movie is the elephant in the room. It seems to be trying very, very hard to connect back up to Batman Begins, whilst simultaneously avoiding any mention of Joker.

The result of this makes The Dark Knight a pointless movie – which is shocking. Worse, the overall storyline would now work better WITHOUT The Dark Knight – the greatest Batman movie ever made.


In fairness, Nolan admitted this was deliberate – he felt it wrong to bring Joker into it at all if Heath Ledger wasn’t alive to see it, which is fair. But this movie doesn’t just feel like it ignores Joker – it feels like it erases him – which is a big shame.


Still – it’s not bad, and if you loved Dark Knight you will have to watch this…


…even if you don’t want to…

The Amazing Spider-Man

After the train wreck of Spider-Man 3, the powers that be decided it was time for a complete Spider-Man reboot. The vast majority of the audience asked the same question:

“Why?”

Regardless, here we are, The Amazing Spider-Man.

OK, you all know the story. Say it with me:

 “When bitten by a genetically modified spider, a nerdy, shy, and awkward high school student gains spider-like abilities that he eventually must use to fight evil as a superhero after tragedy befalls his family...”

...and straight away we have the biggest problems with this movie.

Firstly, it’s not clear who this movie is aimed at. Everyone who knows anything about Spider-Man knows spider bite + dead uncle = Spider-Man, but this movie really seems to drag it out anyway. It’s a Spider-Man movie that will at times make Spider-Man fans hit the snooze button, but there’s not much in it to attract a new audience either.

Secondly, they get the story wrong. I know, I know, Marvel has many universes, etc etc, but it still just feels... wrong...

Peter Parker isn’t  nerdy. He’s a teenage Bart Simpson, complete with skateboard. Sure, he gets bullied and he understands science stuff, but he still comes across a little like an idiot who has managed to get hold of an answer sheet.

Then we have the new secret agent conspiracy surrounding his parents. This is the big new hook, the whole purpose of a reboot, the story arch that will keep us glued to the trilogy... but who cares? Spider-Man should be about an ordinary kid, dealing with ordinary life while simultaneously realising that “With great power, comes great responsibility” (or the much less catchy paraphrasing of this used in this film). The parent conspiracy just takes away some of the purity of the character.

That said, it’s not that bad a movie. And it does explain the mystery of why Spider-Man always seems to have somewhere to swing on (save the child of a crane driver and you’re sorted for life).

But, as expected from a series that just didn’t need another origin movie, it feels pointless.

Avengers Assemble

Imagine, if you can, a world in which Michael Bay is not a cock. A world in which, instead of systematically destroying every childhood memory you hold dear, he actually tried to make a movie the audience would enjoy…
… yeah, I know, it’s far too hard to believe… let’s talk about superheroes, aliens and demi-Gods instead…

Avengers Assemble is arguably one of, if not the, best comic book movie ever made. It comfortably holds its own against the big boys of Dark Knight and First Class and is a must see for anyone with even the slightest interest in the genre. It is incredibly fun to watch, packed full of likable characters and has the Hulk pounding on Loki.

So far, so good. But what’s the catch?

Well, after thinking long and hard about it, I have decided that the worse thing about this movie is…

… its name!

Seriously? What idiot thought “Avengers Assemble” would be a better name than just “The Avengers”? And to change it only for the UK – who did we annoy over in the US?

The only other issue people unfamiliar with the Marvel Universe may have is a difficulty to follow who everyone is. Although the first Avengers Movie (if you don’t count “The First Avenger”) , this is actually the 6^th movie in the series (7^th if you count the other Hulk movie, but you really shouldn’t), with the other movies focusing on the main characters separately – so it’s easy to see how someone may get confused. But not to worry, as I provide here a handy guide to everything you need to know about all the main characters before you watch it:

Thor  - named after the 4^th day of the week, Thor is an alien with superhuman strength and a magic hammer… actually, if you’re planning to do any revision at all for this film, watching Thor would probably be the best one to go for. Of all the films, Thor is the most directly linked, as Avengers focuses on Thor’s brother Loki and his attempt to take over the world using tech from Thor’s home world. Also, Thor is a fun film to watch.

Iron Man – fun loving, alcoholic, billionaire, obnoxious genius who built himself an Iron suit so he can fly around saving the world. Star of two of the previous movies, both good, though the second one doesn’t really offer anything new.

Hulk – miserable bugger who really enjoys putting a downer on everything. His movies have been less successful, his actor and storyline keep changing and he has tried to kill himself. But on the plus side he turns into a very cute little green man who likes to smash stuff up when he’s angry.

Captain America – bit of an idiot, as you would expect from a walking, talking American flag. Got his super strength from some really good steroids back in the war, then was frozen for 70 years until modern day.

Nick Fury – head of secret service S.H.I.E.L.D, he’s the guy trying to pull together all the heroes into one team. But he’s about as trustworthy as, well, a spy and no one really likes him. He is cool though. And by cool I mean Samuel “mother – f*cking” L Jackson cool.

Agent Phil Coulson – works for Nick, but has the advantage of being seriously likable, thus making it much easier for him to get everyone to come together. Great guy.

Black Widow/Hawkeye – other Avengers – deemed not interesting enough to have their own movies, which is fair. Clearly plan to make baby Avengers together at some point in the future.

There. You are now ready to watch it. So why are you still here?

Enjoy.

P.S. If your name happens to be Michael Bay, please take a notebook and pen with you. I know its too late to prevent all the Transformers related deaths and suicides, but you still have time to put the Turtles right. Even if you don’t care about the fans, at least consider the fact that the opening weekend for Avengers is the best selling of all time. Just saying.

Beautiful Lies

The first impression of this movie is of a pretty little French film with a very pretty little Audrey Tautou playing a character called Emilie. And if that doesn’t remind you of the French classic Amelie, nothing will.

So far, so good.

One day, Emilie receives a romantic letter from co-worker Jean (don’t get excited, Jean is a guy’s name in France). However, as the letter is sent anonymously, Emilie bins it, assuming it to be from some crazy old customer.

A little later, Emilie realizes that her mother is very depressed about her love life, which will only be made worse when she finds out her father is planning to remarry. And so, Emilie innocently decides to pass on the love letter to her mother to cheer her up…

…obviously nothing could possibly go wrong. Until her mother gets upset that a second letter hasn’t been sent…

This film had all the ingredients to be a really nice film (i.e. Audrey Tautou), but as it progresses any trace of innocence is stripped away layer by layer. By the time we reach the end, the lies being told have nothing remotely “beautiful” about them. They’re just cruel and twisted.

First impressions can be deceiving.