In the comics, Bane is known as “The Man Who Broke The Bat” – the man who defeated Batman, broke his spine, then let him live just so he could suffer. The Dark Knight Rises follows closely to that story, with one fairly major tweak:
The man who broke the bat was Heath Ledger’s Joker.
Eight years after the events of Dark Knight, we start our film with a Bruce Wayne that is already broken. Not only has he not been Batman during these eight years, he hasn’t been Bruce either. He doesn’t leave the house, he can barely walk and his company is going down the drain.
With an opening like that, and a title like this one, there is surely only one way this character can go.
Down…?
Although not an awful movie at all, this movie does have a lot of problems and just doesn’t live up to the previous installment. There are some scenes that are a bit silly, some bits of the story that are illogical, but the biggest issue is that Batman kinda sucks in this movie. Seriously, this is a Batman movie that will have kids fighting to be Robin when they play together.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of Bat-fails from the movie. Note – it’s also a list of pretty much every scene Batman has.
*SPOILERS*
1. Batman meets Catwoman – she knocks him down with ease and steals his mum’s necklace and his fingerprints.
2. Robin figures out his secret identity with almost no effort.
3. Batman meets Catwoman again – he takes back the necklace… but loses his car.
4. Batman fails to stop Bane from messing up the stock market – he actually helps Bane to escape by distracting the cops.
5. Batman loses all his money and his company – he gets kicked out of his own board meeting.
6. Batman successfully manages to get his chosen successor to take over the company… but she turns out to be the main villain.
7. Alfred walks out on Batman.
8. Batman meets Catwoman again – she leads him straight into a trap.
9. Bane slaps Batman around with ease, breaks his back, steals his toys, then drops him in a prison to rot.
10. Batman fails several times to make it out of the prison – something that a little girl could do.
11. Batman, after his glorious “rise”, comes back for his final battle with Bane – it ends with Catwoman saving him from otherwise certain death.
12. He refuses to stop talking in his silly Bat-voice, even when everyone who can hear him knows he’s Bruce Wayne.
At no point during this movie does Batman ever really “rise” – at no point does he do anything remarkable. Sure he does have a couple of small wins, but they’re clouded at best. Namely:
1. He gets out of the prison… eventually… but so did a little girl, with no training.
2. He makes it back to Gotham, with no money, little food, no idea where he is… but this is all done off screen.
3. He saves Gordon… but only just, and he wastes so much time putting together a big fiery bat symbol first.
4. He flies the bomb safely away… after wasting time chatting and kissing with less than 5 minutes to detonation… also he’s not really in the plane.
In comparison, every other character makes more sense and is more useful to the plot.
The other issue with this movie is the elephant in the room. It seems to be trying very, very hard to connect back up to Batman Begins, whilst simultaneously avoiding any mention of Joker.
The result of this makes The Dark Knight a pointless movie – which is shocking. Worse, the overall storyline would now work better WITHOUT The Dark Knight – the greatest Batman movie ever made.
In fairness, Nolan admitted this was deliberate – he felt it wrong to bring Joker into it at all if Heath Ledger wasn’t alive to see it, which is fair. But this movie doesn’t just feel like it ignores Joker – it feels like it erases him – which is a big shame.
Still – it’s not bad, and if you loved Dark Knight you will have to watch this…
…even if you don’t want to…
Showing posts with label Superhero. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Superhero. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
The Amazing Spider-Man
After the train wreck of Spider-Man 3, the powers that be decided it was time for a complete Spider-Man reboot. The vast majority of the audience asked the same question:
“Why?”
Regardless, here we are, The Amazing Spider-Man.
OK, you all know the story. Say it with me:
“When bitten by a genetically modified spider, a nerdy, shy, and awkward high school student gains spider-like abilities that he eventually must use to fight evil as a superhero after tragedy befalls his family...”
...and straight away we have the biggest problems with this movie.
Firstly, it’s not clear who this movie is aimed at. Everyone who knows anything about Spider-Man knows spider bite + dead uncle = Spider-Man, but this movie really seems to drag it out anyway. It’s a Spider-Man movie that will at times make Spider-Man fans hit the snooze button, but there’s not much in it to attract a new audience either.
Secondly, they get the story wrong. I know, I know, Marvel has many universes, etc etc, but it still just feels... wrong...
Peter Parker isn’t nerdy. He’s a teenage Bart Simpson, complete with skateboard. Sure, he gets bullied and he understands science stuff, but he still comes across a little like an idiot who has managed to get hold of an answer sheet.
Then we have the new secret agent conspiracy surrounding his parents. This is the big new hook, the whole purpose of a reboot, the story arch that will keep us glued to the trilogy... but who cares? Spider-Man should be about an ordinary kid, dealing with ordinary life while simultaneously realising that “With great power, comes great responsibility” (or the much less catchy paraphrasing of this used in this film). The parent conspiracy just takes away some of the purity of the character.
That said, it’s not that bad a movie. And it does explain the mystery of why Spider-Man always seems to have somewhere to swing on (save the child of a crane driver and you’re sorted for life).
But, as expected from a series that just didn’t need another origin movie, it feels pointless.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Avengers Assemble
Imagine, if you can, a world in which Michael Bay is not a cock. A world in which, instead of systematically destroying every childhood memory you hold dear, he actually tried to make a movie the audience would enjoy…
… yeah, I know, it’s far too hard to believe… let’s talk about superheroes, aliens and demi-Gods instead…
Avengers Assemble is arguably one of, if not the, best comic book movie ever made. It comfortably holds its own against the big boys of Dark Knight and First Class and is a must see for anyone with even the slightest interest in the genre. It is incredibly fun to watch, packed full of likable characters and has the Hulk pounding on Loki.
So far, so good. But what’s the catch?
Well, after thinking long and hard about it, I have decided that the worse thing about this movie is…
… its name!
Seriously? What idiot thought “Avengers Assemble” would be a better name than just “The Avengers”? And to change it only for the UK – who did we annoy over in the US?
The only other issue people unfamiliar with the Marvel Universe may have is a difficulty to follow who everyone is. Although the first Avengers Movie (if you don’t count “The First Avenger”) , this is actually the 6th movie in the series (7th if you count the other Hulk movie, but you really shouldn’t), with the other movies focusing on the main characters separately – so it’s easy to see how someone may get confused. But not to worry, as I provide here a handy guide to everything you need to know about all the main characters before you watch it:
Thor - named after the 4th day of the week, Thor is an alien with superhuman strength and a magic hammer… actually, if you’re planning to do any revision at all for this film, watching Thor would probably be the best one to go for. Of all the films, Thor is the most directly linked, as Avengers focuses on Thor’s brother Loki and his attempt to take over the world using tech from Thor’s home world. Also, Thor is a fun film to watch.
Iron Man – fun loving, alcoholic, billionaire, obnoxious genius who built himself an Iron suit so he can fly around saving the world. Star of two of the previous movies, both good, though the second one doesn’t really offer anything new.
Hulk – miserable bugger who really enjoys putting a downer on everything. His movies have been less successful, his actor and storyline keep changing and he has tried to kill himself. But on the plus side he turns into a very cute little green man who likes to smash stuff up when he’s angry.
Captain America – bit of an idiot, as you would expect from a walking, talking American flag. Got his super strength from some really good steroids back in the war, then was frozen for 70 years until modern day.
Nick Fury – head of secret service S.H.I.E.L.D, he’s the guy trying to pull together all the heroes into one team. But he’s about as trustworthy as, well, a spy and no one really likes him. He is cool though. And by cool I mean Samuel “mother – f*cking” L Jackson cool.
Agent Phil Coulson – works for Nick, but has the advantage of being seriously likable, thus making it much easier for him to get everyone to come together. Great guy.
Black Widow/Hawkeye – other Avengers – deemed not interesting enough to have their own movies, which is fair. Clearly plan to make baby Avengers together at some point in the future.
There. You are now ready to watch it. So why are you still here?
Enjoy.
P.S. If your name happens to be Michael Bay, please take a notebook and pen with you. I know its too late to prevent all the Transformers related deaths and suicides, but you still have time to put the Turtles right. Even if you don’t care about the fans, at least consider the fact that the opening weekend for Avengers is the best selling of all time. Just saying.
… yeah, I know, it’s far too hard to believe… let’s talk about superheroes, aliens and demi-Gods instead…
Avengers Assemble is arguably one of, if not the, best comic book movie ever made. It comfortably holds its own against the big boys of Dark Knight and First Class and is a must see for anyone with even the slightest interest in the genre. It is incredibly fun to watch, packed full of likable characters and has the Hulk pounding on Loki.
So far, so good. But what’s the catch?
Well, after thinking long and hard about it, I have decided that the worse thing about this movie is…
… its name!
Seriously? What idiot thought “Avengers Assemble” would be a better name than just “The Avengers”? And to change it only for the UK – who did we annoy over in the US?
The only other issue people unfamiliar with the Marvel Universe may have is a difficulty to follow who everyone is. Although the first Avengers Movie (if you don’t count “The First Avenger”) , this is actually the 6th movie in the series (7th if you count the other Hulk movie, but you really shouldn’t), with the other movies focusing on the main characters separately – so it’s easy to see how someone may get confused. But not to worry, as I provide here a handy guide to everything you need to know about all the main characters before you watch it:
Thor - named after the 4th day of the week, Thor is an alien with superhuman strength and a magic hammer… actually, if you’re planning to do any revision at all for this film, watching Thor would probably be the best one to go for. Of all the films, Thor is the most directly linked, as Avengers focuses on Thor’s brother Loki and his attempt to take over the world using tech from Thor’s home world. Also, Thor is a fun film to watch.
Iron Man – fun loving, alcoholic, billionaire, obnoxious genius who built himself an Iron suit so he can fly around saving the world. Star of two of the previous movies, both good, though the second one doesn’t really offer anything new.
Hulk – miserable bugger who really enjoys putting a downer on everything. His movies have been less successful, his actor and storyline keep changing and he has tried to kill himself. But on the plus side he turns into a very cute little green man who likes to smash stuff up when he’s angry.
Captain America – bit of an idiot, as you would expect from a walking, talking American flag. Got his super strength from some really good steroids back in the war, then was frozen for 70 years until modern day.
Nick Fury – head of secret service S.H.I.E.L.D, he’s the guy trying to pull together all the heroes into one team. But he’s about as trustworthy as, well, a spy and no one really likes him. He is cool though. And by cool I mean Samuel “mother – f*cking” L Jackson cool.
Agent Phil Coulson – works for Nick, but has the advantage of being seriously likable, thus making it much easier for him to get everyone to come together. Great guy.
Black Widow/Hawkeye – other Avengers – deemed not interesting enough to have their own movies, which is fair. Clearly plan to make baby Avengers together at some point in the future.
There. You are now ready to watch it. So why are you still here?
Enjoy.
P.S. If your name happens to be Michael Bay, please take a notebook and pen with you. I know its too late to prevent all the Transformers related deaths and suicides, but you still have time to put the Turtles right. Even if you don’t care about the fans, at least consider the fact that the opening weekend for Avengers is the best selling of all time. Just saying.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Captain America: The First Avenger
Historically, Captain America was designed to be a walking, talking American flag. He was first released during the second world war as part of the propaganda campaign and his popularity quickly faded away with the war’s end. He soon disappeared from the comic book pages all together.
Decades later it was decided to try and bring him back, and they made up a story of him being frozen in ice to explain his absence.
The film captures his tale perfectly.
Our hero is a skinny little guy called Steve Rogers. He spends his days getting into fights with people a lot bigger than him and then letting them beat him to a pulp and dreams of joining the army, so the Germans can give him a proper thrashing. Unfortunately for him, the army keeps turning him down, no matter how much he begs, as he’s deemed physically unfit to serve.
In summary, he’s a bit of an idiot.
To cheer him up, his friend sets him up on a blind date. However, while he’s out with the girl he discovers he can’t take his mind off getting the shit kicked out of him, and ditches her for another try at joining the army.
…an idiot with a weird fetish...
Finally, after all his months of trying, he is accepted. By a German. Who plans to mutate him using a completely untested new drug.
Needless to say he jumps at the chance.
There’s a big debate in the movie as to why Steve was chosen, with the German saying it’s “because a weak man knows the value of strength, the value of power.”
Well, that’s one theory… and here’s some more likely ones:
1. The German is being held against his will, and thus chooses the subject least likely to survive the process.
2. The plan is to have an army of super soldiers. Why waste your best men on the first experiment, which will almost surely go horribly wrong?
3. He won the prize for being the 1 millionth army applicant. Hurray!
Regardless, they pump him full of steroids and Captain America is born. Unfortunately, the German is assassinated along with any hope of creating any more super soldiers.
Still, one superhero is better than nothing, and they put him to good use, to do the thing he was originally created for.
They wrap him in an American flag and make him dance around as part of the propaganda campaign…
…and people think Batman is bad ass…
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Green Lantern
When an ancient evil awakens and kills our local intergalactical protector, Hal Jordan is chosen to replace him as the new Green Lantern and must stop this evil before it destroys our world.
THIS MOVIE GIVES ALL OTHER COMIC BOOK MOVIES A BAD NAME!
Having never read any Green Lantern comics, or seen him in any other media before, I have no idea if it’s true to the comics. Either way, it sucks.
OK, so there are 3600 odd Green Lanterns, who each protect 1/3600 of the universe. Each has a magic ring which allows him to create anything he can imagine. The ring is charged by a lantern, which in turn is charged by the central core, which is charged by the will power of everyone in the universe.
That’s stupid.
Yes, lots of comic book characters have stupid origins, most to do with the magical properties of “radiation,” but still, he gets his abilities from will power? Really?
It gets worse.
The big bad is charged by fear. However, fear turns out to be a less stable form of energy, which is why he goes insane and decides to destroy the universe.
I could go on to describe the long list of plot holes in the film, but when the basic concept is so stupid do I need to say more?
That said, I did like the remake of Superman’s balcony scene.
THIS MOVIE GIVES ALL OTHER COMIC BOOK MOVIES A BAD NAME!
Having never read any Green Lantern comics, or seen him in any other media before, I have no idea if it’s true to the comics. Either way, it sucks.
OK, so there are 3600 odd Green Lanterns, who each protect 1/3600 of the universe. Each has a magic ring which allows him to create anything he can imagine. The ring is charged by a lantern, which in turn is charged by the central core, which is charged by the will power of everyone in the universe.
That’s stupid.
Yes, lots of comic book characters have stupid origins, most to do with the magical properties of “radiation,” but still, he gets his abilities from will power? Really?
It gets worse.
The big bad is charged by fear. However, fear turns out to be a less stable form of energy, which is why he goes insane and decides to destroy the universe.
I could go on to describe the long list of plot holes in the film, but when the basic concept is so stupid do I need to say more?
That said, I did like the remake of Superman’s balcony scene.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
X Men First Class
Honestly, the title says pretty much everything you need to know. This is, quite simply, a first class X Men movie.
It was the best X I’ve ever had. It rocks. (It’s still cool to say “rocks” right? Good, good)
The original idea of the film was to be “X-Men Origins: Magneto,” and the final product didn’t stray too far from that. Sure, there’s a little bit on Prof X and the creation of the X-Men concept, but Magneto is pure class and easily steals the limelight.
We open with the scene from the first X movie, with Magneto in the concentration camp, ripping apart a metal gate to get to his mum. Only this time we get to see what happens next...
...Magneto is taken into a room and introduced to the villain of the film: Sebastian Shaw!
...yeah, I had no idea who he was either, don’t feel bad.
Anyway, Sebastian is very interested in seeing more of Magneto’s powers. Unfortunately, Mini-Mag can’t control his powers yet and Sebastian is unimpressed. To help Magneto focus, Sebastian points a gun at his mum...
...then pulls the trigger.
And so we have the setting of our tale: Magneto’s quest for vengeance.
It rocks!
Some other stuff happens to, nuclear war, end of humanity, etc. We also see a little of Prof X’s kiddiehood. Turns out he was a bit of a jerk. Same goes for Beast. But don’t worry, none of that gets in Magneto’s way.
Did I mention it rocks?
It was the best X I’ve ever had. It rocks. (It’s still cool to say “rocks” right? Good, good)
The original idea of the film was to be “X-Men Origins: Magneto,” and the final product didn’t stray too far from that. Sure, there’s a little bit on Prof X and the creation of the X-Men concept, but Magneto is pure class and easily steals the limelight.
We open with the scene from the first X movie, with Magneto in the concentration camp, ripping apart a metal gate to get to his mum. Only this time we get to see what happens next...
...Magneto is taken into a room and introduced to the villain of the film: Sebastian Shaw!
...yeah, I had no idea who he was either, don’t feel bad.
Anyway, Sebastian is very interested in seeing more of Magneto’s powers. Unfortunately, Mini-Mag can’t control his powers yet and Sebastian is unimpressed. To help Magneto focus, Sebastian points a gun at his mum...
...then pulls the trigger.
And so we have the setting of our tale: Magneto’s quest for vengeance.
It rocks!
Some other stuff happens to, nuclear war, end of humanity, etc. We also see a little of Prof X’s kiddiehood. Turns out he was a bit of a jerk. Same goes for Beast. But don’t worry, none of that gets in Magneto’s way.
Did I mention it rocks?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thor
Once upon a time, the Ice Giants came to Earth to freeze everything and kill lots of people. Why? Erm, they’re evil?
Anyway, along came Odin, King of the Asgards. He kicked Ice Butt, and stole their power source, leaving them a shadow of their former glory and bringing peace back to the universe.
Skip ahead a few thousand years, Odin is about to hand over his crown to his eldest son, Thor, when the Icicles decide to strike. They fail, painfully, but disrupt Thor’s coronation. Thor gets a little annoyed and decides to go kick Ice Butt, like his dad did in the good old days. Odin tells him to drop it, as he has no intention of repeating that war.
Thor, like an obedient little son, goes to start a war. Needless to say, Odin is a bit miffed when he finds out, and does what any father would do if they’re superhuman son tried to start a war with a bunch of Ice Lolies: Strips him of his powers, banishes him to Earth, and enchants his hammer so that whoever manages to lift it, if he be worthy, would have Thor’s powers.
And so begins Thor’s quest to prove himself worthy of being himself...
... unfortunately a sweet little innocent 6 year old girl gets to it first, and Thor spends the rest of his days as a mere mortal. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Thor is a great film. It’s got humour, action, superheroes and a decent simple story. EVERYTHING works, it’s definitely worth watching.
... now that’s out of the way, here’s a list of things that didn’t work:
*SPOILERS*
Odin’s parenting style: OK, Odin generally seems like a pretty intelligent and respectable guy, and he has had thousands and thousands of years of experience, so how the heck did he think it would be a good idea to effectively pit his sons, princes of the most powerful kingdom in the universe, against each other.
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings."
Let’s face it, to a kid, that would translate to:
"Fight, fight for your father’s affection. I will give the throne to my favorite."
Thor’s stupidity: ... not sure I have much to add... Thor’s an idiot. Seriously, he’s from the most advanced civilisation in the universe and he thinks it’s appropriate to smash his cup to ask for more drink? What kind of highly sophisticated society would go around smashing dishes after every meal... apart from the Greeks... hmmm... never mind.
No one shooting Thor: I’m sorry, but why? Why? Why do they just let Thor walk into a military base, beat everyone up, then just let him leave? Why?!?! Shoot him!!! Why are you not shooting him!?!? You’re suppose to be American!!! Bush would never have let this happen. When Bush was in charge they were blowing the sh*t outa alien Keanu Reaves who came in peace...
Seriously though, it’s a really nice film.
Go watch.
Anyway, along came Odin, King of the Asgards. He kicked Ice Butt, and stole their power source, leaving them a shadow of their former glory and bringing peace back to the universe.
Skip ahead a few thousand years, Odin is about to hand over his crown to his eldest son, Thor, when the Icicles decide to strike. They fail, painfully, but disrupt Thor’s coronation. Thor gets a little annoyed and decides to go kick Ice Butt, like his dad did in the good old days. Odin tells him to drop it, as he has no intention of repeating that war.
Thor, like an obedient little son, goes to start a war. Needless to say, Odin is a bit miffed when he finds out, and does what any father would do if they’re superhuman son tried to start a war with a bunch of Ice Lolies: Strips him of his powers, banishes him to Earth, and enchants his hammer so that whoever manages to lift it, if he be worthy, would have Thor’s powers.
And so begins Thor’s quest to prove himself worthy of being himself...
... unfortunately a sweet little innocent 6 year old girl gets to it first, and Thor spends the rest of his days as a mere mortal. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Thor is a great film. It’s got humour, action, superheroes and a decent simple story. EVERYTHING works, it’s definitely worth watching.
... now that’s out of the way, here’s a list of things that didn’t work:
*SPOILERS*
Odin’s parenting style: OK, Odin generally seems like a pretty intelligent and respectable guy, and he has had thousands and thousands of years of experience, so how the heck did he think it would be a good idea to effectively pit his sons, princes of the most powerful kingdom in the universe, against each other.
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings."
Let’s face it, to a kid, that would translate to:
"Fight, fight for your father’s affection. I will give the throne to my favorite."
Thor’s stupidity: ... not sure I have much to add... Thor’s an idiot. Seriously, he’s from the most advanced civilisation in the universe and he thinks it’s appropriate to smash his cup to ask for more drink? What kind of highly sophisticated society would go around smashing dishes after every meal... apart from the Greeks... hmmm... never mind.
No one shooting Thor: I’m sorry, but why? Why? Why do they just let Thor walk into a military base, beat everyone up, then just let him leave? Why?!?! Shoot him!!! Why are you not shooting him!?!? You’re suppose to be American!!! Bush would never have let this happen. When Bush was in charge they were blowing the sh*t outa alien Keanu Reaves who came in peace...
Seriously though, it’s a really nice film.
Go watch.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Smallville Finale
Warning: *Spoilers*
*Major Spoilers.*
With the wedding of Lois and Clark, Darkseid and his apocalypse, Clark’s final transformation into Superman and, most importantly, the return of Lex, as well as any other loose ends the show felt like tying up, the Smallville Finale had its work cut out to squeeze it all in, even with the longer run time of 83 minutes.
OK, so we start with the wedding. Good choice, get that out the way.
Lois is doubting if she should marry Clark. She loves him, but feels she, a mere mortal, will be getting in his way. Clark tells her she’s being silly. Fairly pointless scenes since I don’t think anyone watching will have any doubts that they’ll finish up together. This is Superman and Lois Lane FFS.
After a few more fairly pointless scenes we move on to...
...Clark having doubts about Lois… wait… what? Really? We’re still on this?
10 min in – Lois and Clark
20 min in – Lois and Clark
30 min in – Lois and Clark
Smallville, you absolute twats, don’t do this. Where the hell is Lex?!? What are you doing with Darkseid? Why aren’t you focusing on the bloody birth of Superman!?! That’s what this show, all 10 seasons of it, was suppose to have been made for!
35 min in – Oliver turns bad boy, OK, it starts.
37 min in – Clark says, “Don’t be bad, mkay?” Oliver replies, “Yeah, fair enough, sorry about that.”
We have our first anti-climax people. Smallville – keeping it real – giving the fans what they clearly keep coming back for.
Then we have another 10 min of pointless waffle.
45 min in – we finally get a mention of Lex!!!! Turns out, Lex had almost completed a perfect clone – none of this aging crap, no worries about Clark DNA, just pure, unadulterated Lex. Its missing only one part – the heart (obviously). Seriously, what’s so hard about getting a fake heart for someone with Lex’s tech skills?
Anyway, Lionel decides Tess would be a good place to find a heart, Tess disagrees, they have a bit of an argument and it ends with Lionel selling his soul to Darkseid for Lex’s return.
50 min in – Lex opens his eyes!!!
This should be a great moment, but its spoilt by one fairly major fact – there’s only 33 min left and we’ve gotten nowhere. Well, that and the fact that the equipment he’s in is trying to remind people of how they killed Lex. Why would you want people to remember that? It sucked. Big time.
Despite everyone telling Clark that since the world is about to be destroyed it might be a good time to go see Jor-El and get help, he still hasn’t bothered, nothing really happening with Darkseid, other than a big planet about to hit the Earth and Lex has only 33 min to turn it all around.
You would think another planet about to hit Earth would be a bigger deal. You would think, with how close it looks in some of the scenes, it might mess things up a little bit more. You would be wrong.
55 – 60 min – Lex’s first real scene. It’s a nice scene, although, unfortunately, he tells us exactly what we didn’t really want to hear, but with only 23 min left we knew was coming: “Hi Clark, don’t mind me, I’m only here for the epilogue.”
61 min in – anti-climax number 2 – Oliver takes out Granny and the other 2 of Darkseid’s elite with a single shot. All 3, one shot, no fight. That was easy.
65 min in – Clark is FINALLY thinking about, possibly going to see Jor-El, when Darkseid appears in the zombified form of Lionel – with a stupid voice.
68 min in – after 3 min of flashbacks – Clark can fly!! Whoo!
69 min in – anti-climax the third – Darkseid is dead in a single blow.
And so, of cause, is Lionel. True, Lionel was pretty dead already, but it would have been nice if Clark could have hesitated for even a second to consider if Lionel could be saved. I mean this is basically the very first moment as Superman. His very first act is to kill Lionel without a hint of hesitation? Superman? Kill? No regrets?
Fudge it, there’s only 13 min left, lets wrap thing up. Clark puts on his cape, rescues Lois in a plane (obviously), then throws the planet that was about to hit Earth away and everyone is happy again. Anti-climax 4? I’m losing count.
Cut to seven years later – all is well, and Lois and Clark are about to get married… what? Why the hell would that take another 7 years?
If they still had the option of another 7 seasons they would really want to fill it all with Lois and Clark huh?
Well then, I guess this is a good time for it to end.
Goodbye Smallville.
R.I.P.
*Major Spoilers.*
With the wedding of Lois and Clark, Darkseid and his apocalypse, Clark’s final transformation into Superman and, most importantly, the return of Lex, as well as any other loose ends the show felt like tying up, the Smallville Finale had its work cut out to squeeze it all in, even with the longer run time of 83 minutes.
OK, so we start with the wedding. Good choice, get that out the way.
Lois is doubting if she should marry Clark. She loves him, but feels she, a mere mortal, will be getting in his way. Clark tells her she’s being silly. Fairly pointless scenes since I don’t think anyone watching will have any doubts that they’ll finish up together. This is Superman and Lois Lane FFS.
After a few more fairly pointless scenes we move on to...
...Clark having doubts about Lois… wait… what? Really? We’re still on this?
10 min in – Lois and Clark
20 min in – Lois and Clark
30 min in – Lois and Clark
Smallville, you absolute twats, don’t do this. Where the hell is Lex?!? What are you doing with Darkseid? Why aren’t you focusing on the bloody birth of Superman!?! That’s what this show, all 10 seasons of it, was suppose to have been made for!
35 min in – Oliver turns bad boy, OK, it starts.
37 min in – Clark says, “Don’t be bad, mkay?” Oliver replies, “Yeah, fair enough, sorry about that.”
We have our first anti-climax people. Smallville – keeping it real – giving the fans what they clearly keep coming back for.
Then we have another 10 min of pointless waffle.
45 min in – we finally get a mention of Lex!!!! Turns out, Lex had almost completed a perfect clone – none of this aging crap, no worries about Clark DNA, just pure, unadulterated Lex. Its missing only one part – the heart (obviously). Seriously, what’s so hard about getting a fake heart for someone with Lex’s tech skills?
Anyway, Lionel decides Tess would be a good place to find a heart, Tess disagrees, they have a bit of an argument and it ends with Lionel selling his soul to Darkseid for Lex’s return.
50 min in – Lex opens his eyes!!!
This should be a great moment, but its spoilt by one fairly major fact – there’s only 33 min left and we’ve gotten nowhere. Well, that and the fact that the equipment he’s in is trying to remind people of how they killed Lex. Why would you want people to remember that? It sucked. Big time.
Despite everyone telling Clark that since the world is about to be destroyed it might be a good time to go see Jor-El and get help, he still hasn’t bothered, nothing really happening with Darkseid, other than a big planet about to hit the Earth and Lex has only 33 min to turn it all around.
You would think another planet about to hit Earth would be a bigger deal. You would think, with how close it looks in some of the scenes, it might mess things up a little bit more. You would be wrong.
55 – 60 min – Lex’s first real scene. It’s a nice scene, although, unfortunately, he tells us exactly what we didn’t really want to hear, but with only 23 min left we knew was coming: “Hi Clark, don’t mind me, I’m only here for the epilogue.”
61 min in – anti-climax number 2 – Oliver takes out Granny and the other 2 of Darkseid’s elite with a single shot. All 3, one shot, no fight. That was easy.
65 min in – Clark is FINALLY thinking about, possibly going to see Jor-El, when Darkseid appears in the zombified form of Lionel – with a stupid voice.
68 min in – after 3 min of flashbacks – Clark can fly!! Whoo!
69 min in – anti-climax the third – Darkseid is dead in a single blow.
And so, of cause, is Lionel. True, Lionel was pretty dead already, but it would have been nice if Clark could have hesitated for even a second to consider if Lionel could be saved. I mean this is basically the very first moment as Superman. His very first act is to kill Lionel without a hint of hesitation? Superman? Kill? No regrets?
Fudge it, there’s only 13 min left, lets wrap thing up. Clark puts on his cape, rescues Lois in a plane (obviously), then throws the planet that was about to hit Earth away and everyone is happy again. Anti-climax 4? I’m losing count.
Cut to seven years later – all is well, and Lois and Clark are about to get married… what? Why the hell would that take another 7 years?
If they still had the option of another 7 seasons they would really want to fill it all with Lois and Clark huh?
Well then, I guess this is a good time for it to end.
Goodbye Smallville.
R.I.P.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Smallville (2001 - 2011)
After 10 seasons and over 200 episodes, Smallville, the story of a young Clark Kent on his path to become the legendary Superman, is finally coming to an end...
... not counting any potential spin-offs, movies, specials etc that they may use to milk it a bit more...
As such, it is time to look back over the good, the bad and the ugly that was Smallville.
The Good: Lex Luthor.
Lex, the multi-millionaire genius with little in the way of either morals or hair, has generally not been well represented whenever Superman tried to leap from comics to live-action. Gene Hackman’s Lex in the original Superman movies was, unfortunately, an idiot who relied on idiots to get anything done and Kevin Spacey’s Lex followed suit, while John Shea’s Lex in The New Adventures of Superman was just a… well the less said the better.
And then came Michael Rosenbaum. Hell yeah. Smallville’s Lex Luthor, as well as being sex on legs, was just perfectly pitched. Everything worked. From his early beginnings, struggling to fight against his father’s evil influence, to his full fledged bastardhood, killing his father, destroying the fortress of solitude and bringing Superman to his knees, Lex hit the spot time and time again.
Thank you Smallville, for putting right what once went wrong.
The bad: The Chefing of Lex and lazy writing.
Smallville, you absolute f***kers!!!
How the hell could you Chef Lex?!?!?!
Side note: To “Chef” a character is to bring a character back for a limited time after the actor(ess) who plays that character has left the show, for the sole purpose of destroying that character in as crappy a method as possible as a final “f*ck you” to the actor(ess) who abandoned ship. Originates from South Park’s treatment of the character Chef.
Seriously, was it any wonder you had such a hard time getting Michael back for the finale? You turned Lex into a burned up zombie (despite no signs of a fire when Michael was last seen or anything like it happening to the humanised Clark) and made his last action the petty act of breaking up Clark from his girlfriend before blowing him up? Worse still, you didn’t even try to finish the storyline that Michael had been part of.
Lex has Clark on his knees and the fortress of solitude is collapsing all around them. What happens next?
...seriously, what happens?!?
Which brings us nicely to the other bad thing about Smallville: the incredibly lazy writing techniques used.
"OK guys, we’ve built up Doomsday for an entire season, how do we finish him off?”
"Drop him down a hole?”
"Done. Let’s go to the pub.”
The Ugly: Clark Kent
Smalville’s Clark Kent is, without doubt, an absolute git.
First of all, we have the basic Clark Kent formula of making it completely obvious to everyone around him that he “has a secret” then making them feel like complete dicks when they want to know what it is.
"I have a secret.”
"Oh, what is it?”
"I can not believe you would ask me that! I thought we were friends! Why can’t you just respect the fact that I need my privacy! I hate you!”
He milks this issue to the extreme with Lex, which contributes quite a lot to pushing Lex over the edge and into the dark side. Even when Lex straight out tells him that he knows his secret he’s still determined to cover it up.
"I can’t believe you would show me hard scientific evidence that you know I saved your life with superhuman abilities! I’m not superhuman! If you were my friend you would believe me when I’m clearly lying to you! I hate you!”
But 10 seasons of guilt tripping everyone around him is by no means the worse of Clark’s crimes. There are lots, lots more. The top 5 being:
5. Ditching Chloe to go and find himself... just after her husband was brutally murdered in front of her.
4. Running away after his mum has a miscarriage - dude, your parents are in tears, you try to help matters by running away from home?
3. Voluntarily using red Kryptonite - doesn’t matter if your upset, this stuff makes you potentially able to kill people.
2. Not helping Lex when his dad frames him for insanity and starts frying his brain, until AFTER Lex has forgotten he has superpowers.
1. Not saving a bunch of orphans from Granny Goodness - he just saves himself and runs away after he finds they have Kryptonite weapons. He NEVER goes back for the kids! Seriously? Dude.
And with that, there’s nothing left to do but grab some pop-corn and snuggle in for the final few episodes, including the joyous return of the mighty Lex...
... and the almost certain let down that will follow.
... not counting any potential spin-offs, movies, specials etc that they may use to milk it a bit more...
As such, it is time to look back over the good, the bad and the ugly that was Smallville.
The Good: Lex Luthor.
Lex, the multi-millionaire genius with little in the way of either morals or hair, has generally not been well represented whenever Superman tried to leap from comics to live-action. Gene Hackman’s Lex in the original Superman movies was, unfortunately, an idiot who relied on idiots to get anything done and Kevin Spacey’s Lex followed suit, while John Shea’s Lex in The New Adventures of Superman was just a… well the less said the better.
And then came Michael Rosenbaum. Hell yeah. Smallville’s Lex Luthor, as well as being sex on legs, was just perfectly pitched. Everything worked. From his early beginnings, struggling to fight against his father’s evil influence, to his full fledged bastardhood, killing his father, destroying the fortress of solitude and bringing Superman to his knees, Lex hit the spot time and time again.
Thank you Smallville, for putting right what once went wrong.
The bad: The Chefing of Lex and lazy writing.
Smallville, you absolute f***kers!!!
How the hell could you Chef Lex?!?!?!
Side note: To “Chef” a character is to bring a character back for a limited time after the actor(ess) who plays that character has left the show, for the sole purpose of destroying that character in as crappy a method as possible as a final “f*ck you” to the actor(ess) who abandoned ship. Originates from South Park’s treatment of the character Chef.
Seriously, was it any wonder you had such a hard time getting Michael back for the finale? You turned Lex into a burned up zombie (despite no signs of a fire when Michael was last seen or anything like it happening to the humanised Clark) and made his last action the petty act of breaking up Clark from his girlfriend before blowing him up? Worse still, you didn’t even try to finish the storyline that Michael had been part of.
Lex has Clark on his knees and the fortress of solitude is collapsing all around them. What happens next?
...seriously, what happens?!?
Which brings us nicely to the other bad thing about Smallville: the incredibly lazy writing techniques used.
"OK guys, we’ve built up Doomsday for an entire season, how do we finish him off?”
"Drop him down a hole?”
"Done. Let’s go to the pub.”
The Ugly: Clark Kent
Smalville’s Clark Kent is, without doubt, an absolute git.
First of all, we have the basic Clark Kent formula of making it completely obvious to everyone around him that he “has a secret” then making them feel like complete dicks when they want to know what it is.
"I have a secret.”
"Oh, what is it?”
"I can not believe you would ask me that! I thought we were friends! Why can’t you just respect the fact that I need my privacy! I hate you!”
He milks this issue to the extreme with Lex, which contributes quite a lot to pushing Lex over the edge and into the dark side. Even when Lex straight out tells him that he knows his secret he’s still determined to cover it up.
"I can’t believe you would show me hard scientific evidence that you know I saved your life with superhuman abilities! I’m not superhuman! If you were my friend you would believe me when I’m clearly lying to you! I hate you!”
But 10 seasons of guilt tripping everyone around him is by no means the worse of Clark’s crimes. There are lots, lots more. The top 5 being:
5. Ditching Chloe to go and find himself... just after her husband was brutally murdered in front of her.
4. Running away after his mum has a miscarriage - dude, your parents are in tears, you try to help matters by running away from home?
3. Voluntarily using red Kryptonite - doesn’t matter if your upset, this stuff makes you potentially able to kill people.
2. Not helping Lex when his dad frames him for insanity and starts frying his brain, until AFTER Lex has forgotten he has superpowers.
1. Not saving a bunch of orphans from Granny Goodness - he just saves himself and runs away after he finds they have Kryptonite weapons. He NEVER goes back for the kids! Seriously? Dude.
And with that, there’s nothing left to do but grab some pop-corn and snuggle in for the final few episodes, including the joyous return of the mighty Lex...
... and the almost certain let down that will follow.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Despicable Me Vs Megamind.
In the red corner, weighing in at £3.7m in its UK opening weekend, it’s Universal Picture’s and Illumination’s animated comedy about a Supervillian, Despicable Me! And in the blue corner, weighing in at £2.8m in its UK opening weekend, Dreamworks’ animated comedy about a Supervillian, Megamind!
And, since “this town isn’t big enough for two Supervillians”
Let’s Get Ready to Ruummmbbbllleeeeee!!!!!!!
OK, so first up, it has to be said that both of these movies are great. They’re funny, cute and just incredibly enjoyable to watch, appealing to children of all ages from 1 to 217.
But 2 animated comedies about Supervillians being released within two months of each other? That just begs the question: Which one is better?
Round 1: Storyline
In fairness, neither film is an epic masterpiece when it comes to the plot. There are no real twists and turns and the stories mostly write themselves. However, if anything this simplicity adds to the enjoyable feel of both.
Despicable Me is about the Supervillian Gru and his attempts to pull off the crime of the century – steal the moon. In his quest to obtain the shrink ray required to complete his task he crosses paths with three adorably cute little girls and, needless to say, they begin to slowly melt his heart.
Megamind is about the Supervillian Megamind and his attempts to conquer the boredom and emptiness he feels after he finally defeats his lifelong rival Metroman. In his quest to artificially create a new Superhero to replace his former rival he crosses paths with a female reporter and, needless to say, she begins to slowly melt his heart.
As a story, Megamind does generally offer a little more to keep the watcher on their toes and thus takes the early lead.
Despicable Me 0 – 1 Megamind
Round 2: “Heart Melters”
As mentioned above, both Gru and Megamind come across the distractions of various people who sneak into their lives unexpectedly and begin to melt their cold hearts.
For Gru it is three little orphan girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes, whilst for Megamind it’s the reporter Roxanne.
For anyone who has seen the movies there is really no need to drag this round out. The three girls are absolutely fantastic characters and the viewers’ hearts melt right along with Gru’s. In comparison, Roxanne is far less likable and the leap from foe to friend is far too quick and easy between her and Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 1 Megamind
Round 3: Minions
In Despicable Me, Gru is surrounded by funny little yellow people called Minions, whilst Megamind is surrounded by a bunch of robots he created and his one loyal companion, called Minion.
Both sets of Minions are great and it really is difficult to choose between them. As a group, the Gru Minions are more likable and funny to watch than Megamind’s robots. However, no one individual Gru Minion receives enough attention to become a real character in his own right. As such, none can compare to Megamind’s Minion, the loyal fish who has been with Megamind since birth and always been there when he needed him.
Therefore, round 3 goes to Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 2 Megamind
Round 4: The Other Bad Guy
In Despicable Me, Gru must compete against a new younger villain called Vector whilst Megamind is up against Titan, the person he gave Metroman’s super powers to but who turned out to be a psycho.
Vector and Titan are practically polar opposites of each other. Vector is a weak little science geek who carries out crimes of “magnitude and direction”, whilst Titan is a psychotic idiot with superhuman strength who smashes stuff up because he can.
The biggest difference between them, however, is that Vector is a much more likable character. There are many times within Megamind that the audience gets to laugh at Titan, but at no point is there any real connection.
Despicable Me 2 – 2 Megamind
FINAL ROUND: FIGHT!
Its time to settle this, one-on-one, no holds barred.
Gru Vs Megamind.
Megamind was sent to earth as a baby when his home world was being destroyed. He landed in a prison and was raised by the inmates. When he went to school he tried hard to fit in but soon discovered that the only thing he was ever good at was being bad. He took the role of Supervillian to Metroman’s Superhero and enjoyed the constant battles between the two of them. After finally defeating Metroman he quickly became at a loss as to what to do and eventually, with the rise of Titan, he takes the role of Superhero he always would have filled if Metroman hadn’t got there first.
Gru, on the other hand, doesn’t really have any of Megamind’s emotional baggage. Sure, he has some issues with his mum, but he just genuinely comes across as liking what he does. He doesn’t need a Superhero or anyone else to validate his existence. He does things because he enjoys it and that makes him very enjoyable to watch.
And so the title goes to:
Despicable Me
But don’t let that stop you from watching them both.
And, since “this town isn’t big enough for two Supervillians”
Let’s Get Ready to Ruummmbbbllleeeeee!!!!!!!
OK, so first up, it has to be said that both of these movies are great. They’re funny, cute and just incredibly enjoyable to watch, appealing to children of all ages from 1 to 217.
But 2 animated comedies about Supervillians being released within two months of each other? That just begs the question: Which one is better?
Round 1: Storyline
In fairness, neither film is an epic masterpiece when it comes to the plot. There are no real twists and turns and the stories mostly write themselves. However, if anything this simplicity adds to the enjoyable feel of both.
Despicable Me is about the Supervillian Gru and his attempts to pull off the crime of the century – steal the moon. In his quest to obtain the shrink ray required to complete his task he crosses paths with three adorably cute little girls and, needless to say, they begin to slowly melt his heart.
Megamind is about the Supervillian Megamind and his attempts to conquer the boredom and emptiness he feels after he finally defeats his lifelong rival Metroman. In his quest to artificially create a new Superhero to replace his former rival he crosses paths with a female reporter and, needless to say, she begins to slowly melt his heart.
As a story, Megamind does generally offer a little more to keep the watcher on their toes and thus takes the early lead.
Despicable Me 0 – 1 Megamind
Round 2: “Heart Melters”
As mentioned above, both Gru and Megamind come across the distractions of various people who sneak into their lives unexpectedly and begin to melt their cold hearts.
For Gru it is three little orphan girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes, whilst for Megamind it’s the reporter Roxanne.
For anyone who has seen the movies there is really no need to drag this round out. The three girls are absolutely fantastic characters and the viewers’ hearts melt right along with Gru’s. In comparison, Roxanne is far less likable and the leap from foe to friend is far too quick and easy between her and Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 1 Megamind
Round 3: Minions
In Despicable Me, Gru is surrounded by funny little yellow people called Minions, whilst Megamind is surrounded by a bunch of robots he created and his one loyal companion, called Minion.
Both sets of Minions are great and it really is difficult to choose between them. As a group, the Gru Minions are more likable and funny to watch than Megamind’s robots. However, no one individual Gru Minion receives enough attention to become a real character in his own right. As such, none can compare to Megamind’s Minion, the loyal fish who has been with Megamind since birth and always been there when he needed him.
Therefore, round 3 goes to Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 2 Megamind
Round 4: The Other Bad Guy
In Despicable Me, Gru must compete against a new younger villain called Vector whilst Megamind is up against Titan, the person he gave Metroman’s super powers to but who turned out to be a psycho.
Vector and Titan are practically polar opposites of each other. Vector is a weak little science geek who carries out crimes of “magnitude and direction”, whilst Titan is a psychotic idiot with superhuman strength who smashes stuff up because he can.
The biggest difference between them, however, is that Vector is a much more likable character. There are many times within Megamind that the audience gets to laugh at Titan, but at no point is there any real connection.
Despicable Me 2 – 2 Megamind
FINAL ROUND: FIGHT!
Its time to settle this, one-on-one, no holds barred.
Gru Vs Megamind.
Megamind was sent to earth as a baby when his home world was being destroyed. He landed in a prison and was raised by the inmates. When he went to school he tried hard to fit in but soon discovered that the only thing he was ever good at was being bad. He took the role of Supervillian to Metroman’s Superhero and enjoyed the constant battles between the two of them. After finally defeating Metroman he quickly became at a loss as to what to do and eventually, with the rise of Titan, he takes the role of Superhero he always would have filled if Metroman hadn’t got there first.
Gru, on the other hand, doesn’t really have any of Megamind’s emotional baggage. Sure, he has some issues with his mum, but he just genuinely comes across as liking what he does. He doesn’t need a Superhero or anyone else to validate his existence. He does things because he enjoys it and that makes him very enjoyable to watch.
And so the title goes to:
Despicable Me
But don’t let that stop you from watching them both.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Watchmen
Watchmen is a Comic Book created by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, originally published as a twelve-month series from 1986 to 1987 and was later republished in graphic novel format.
As a stand alone story, not an ongoing plot such as the likes of Superman, Batman and Spiderman, it is arguably the most famous graphic novel of all time.
It was therefore pretty much guaranteed at least some success. But is it any good?
That depends on what you really like to see in a film. Which of the following is your cup of tea?
a) Comic book films
b) Unnessary gruesome violence
c) Softcore nudity
d) Dark humour
e) Unusual plot
f) All of the above
g) Other.
If you picked option g, give this one a miss. If, however, you chose option f, then by George you might just be in luck.
The comic book is about a bunch of guys who decide to dress up and fight bad-guys. Mostly they have no real super powers, they're just ordinary folk with a few screws lose trying to make the world a better place. Its the kind of thing that makes you pause for a moment and wonder why no one has ever REALLY tried that kind of thing. Oh sure, you're not going to, the idea is nuts and will end in almost certain death, but with all the billions of people in the world, why hasn't anyone?
Back to the book, there is one guy who does has some actual super powers due to the typical experiment one wrong senerio. Dr Manhattan. And boy does he have some powers. He can basically do ANYTHING. He does have some limitations, but these are few and far between. Teleport, blow stuff up, see through time, copy himself, alter matter... the list is a VERY long one.
The story is set in 1985. The world is on the brink of all out nuclear war. All the heroes, other than Dr Manhattan, have been outlawed. Dr Manhattan is legal because a) he has the ability to basically catch any missiles, chew them up and spit them out and is thus used by America as a deterant and b) how the hell u gonna outlaw a guy who can spit out nuclear missiles?
Out of the normal heroes, only one guy is really refusing the ban and staying active. Mr Hard-as-effin-nails-take-no-sh*t-seriously-damn-cool-messed-up-in-the-head Rorschach. So when a former hero ends up dead, its up to Rorschach to figure out why. And he aint gonna let nothing stand in his way.
Thats the book. How about the film?
It's more or less exactly the same. Sure there are parts missing, it was a pretty long comic, and the ending was altered, it was originally pretty weird, but don't worry it still is. But if your looking for a film of the book, you've come to the right place.
Rumours have it that it could have been very different. Apparently the original director wanted to bring the story up to date, replacing nuclear war with the "war on terror". Their are also rumours that Simon Pegg was due to be Rorschach.
Nothing wrong with Simon Pegg, funny guy, but Rorshcach?
No.
Thankfully that didn't happen. If you liked the book go watch it. If you didn't read the book, perhaps have a gander at it first, the film may be a little odd to a newbie.
As a stand alone story, not an ongoing plot such as the likes of Superman, Batman and Spiderman, it is arguably the most famous graphic novel of all time.
It was therefore pretty much guaranteed at least some success. But is it any good?
That depends on what you really like to see in a film. Which of the following is your cup of tea?
a) Comic book films
b) Unnessary gruesome violence
c) Softcore nudity
d) Dark humour
e) Unusual plot
f) All of the above
g) Other.
If you picked option g, give this one a miss. If, however, you chose option f, then by George you might just be in luck.
The comic book is about a bunch of guys who decide to dress up and fight bad-guys. Mostly they have no real super powers, they're just ordinary folk with a few screws lose trying to make the world a better place. Its the kind of thing that makes you pause for a moment and wonder why no one has ever REALLY tried that kind of thing. Oh sure, you're not going to, the idea is nuts and will end in almost certain death, but with all the billions of people in the world, why hasn't anyone?
Back to the book, there is one guy who does has some actual super powers due to the typical experiment one wrong senerio. Dr Manhattan. And boy does he have some powers. He can basically do ANYTHING. He does have some limitations, but these are few and far between. Teleport, blow stuff up, see through time, copy himself, alter matter... the list is a VERY long one.
The story is set in 1985. The world is on the brink of all out nuclear war. All the heroes, other than Dr Manhattan, have been outlawed. Dr Manhattan is legal because a) he has the ability to basically catch any missiles, chew them up and spit them out and is thus used by America as a deterant and b) how the hell u gonna outlaw a guy who can spit out nuclear missiles?
Out of the normal heroes, only one guy is really refusing the ban and staying active. Mr Hard-as-effin-nails-take-no-sh*t-seriously-damn-cool-messed-up-in-the-head Rorschach. So when a former hero ends up dead, its up to Rorschach to figure out why. And he aint gonna let nothing stand in his way.
Thats the book. How about the film?
It's more or less exactly the same. Sure there are parts missing, it was a pretty long comic, and the ending was altered, it was originally pretty weird, but don't worry it still is. But if your looking for a film of the book, you've come to the right place.
Rumours have it that it could have been very different. Apparently the original director wanted to bring the story up to date, replacing nuclear war with the "war on terror". Their are also rumours that Simon Pegg was due to be Rorschach.
Nothing wrong with Simon Pegg, funny guy, but Rorshcach?
No.
Thankfully that didn't happen. If you liked the book go watch it. If you didn't read the book, perhaps have a gander at it first, the film may be a little odd to a newbie.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Hancock
The original John Hancock was some American guy, famous for signing some American independence paper or some such. Not well known this side of the pond, but important enough to the Americans that "John Hancock" became slang for "signiture".
This latest John Hancock will prove to be far more rememberable. An amazing film, although judging by various internet comments floating around it tends to have a Marmitian feel to it, in that you either love it or you hate it. Story time.
80 years ago, a man woke in hospital with no memory of who or what he was. The big hole in his head healed up pretty darn quick and any attempt to give him needles simply saw them brake on his skin. Had the accident somehow made him superhuman? Or if he had always been superhuman, how did he get the big hole in his head to begin with? No one knew. Despite the story being all over the news, no one ever came to tell him who he was. No one ever showed up. He was alone.
On leaving the hospital he was asked to put his "John Hancock" on a document. He took this as his name.
Skip ahead 80 years. Police cars racing after a get-away car. Bullets flying everywhere. The Americans call it a Monday.
"Hancock?"
"uurr.."
"Hancock?!"
John Hancock (Will Smith), lay face down on a public bench, surrounded by empty beer bottles. A little child attempting to wake him.
"What's up kid?"
"Badguys," said the child, impatiently, pointing to the news report. Stopping just long enough to pinch a sexy girl's bottom and pick up another bottle of beer, Hancock springs into action, destoying the bench in the process.
Turns out flying drunk is not as easy as it sounds. Crashing into birds, traffic signs, accidently taking out most of the police cars and almost hitting a plane, Hancock then stops the criminals in the rather unorthadox method of picking up the car and dropping it onto a rather large building.
The news report, far from praising Hancock, reports yet another huge mess he's caused, this time costing the city around 6 million in damages, a new personal best for Hancock.
80 years of solitude has turned Hancock into an unpopular miserable drunk. Will Smith pulls it off perfectly and you can not help but laugh.
"I can smell the liquor on his breath"
-"Thats cos I've been drinking bitch."
"She should sue you", says an over weight man
-"You should sue McDonalds, cos they've messed you up good."
For those who haven't seen it, pop down to your local cinema, then come down and finish reading this.
Unfortunately, there is a downside to the film. The main female of the plot, married lady Mary (Charlize Theron). Her story simply doesn't make any sense and it jumps around all over the place. To begin with, she is a concerned housewife. Her husband has taken a liking to Hancock and took it upon himself to improve Hancock's image and life. She seems, naturally, concerned about having a guy known for mass destruction around the house.
Things then start to develop. Turns out Hancock has a thing for her. With her husband out of sight he gives her "the look", she kinda returns it, he goes in for the kiss. She throws him through the wall.
OK, so turns out she's not quite a normal house wife. She refuses to tell him, or the audience, who she is simply telling him to stay away. Obviously, after 80 years of solitude, he refuses to do so. In exchange for keeping her secret from her husband, she agrees to meet up for a chat. She seems to hate him with a passion at this point.
She lets him know they are the last two of there kind, imortals created by "the Gods". The others have all died. She tries to pass herself off as his sister, but based on the physical attraction between them and possibly the fact that he's black and she's white, Hancock doesn't buy it. His refusal to believe this causes her to get even more pissed. They end up having a huge superhero type fight, which for some reason causes hurricanes. They also decide to do this in front of Hubby, so much for the secret.
She confesses to her husband that technically she's married to Hancock, but they broke up decades ago, Hancock just doesn't remember. She tried so many times over the centuries to get rid of him, but they just end up drawn to each other. But she doesn't want Hancock, she wants him.
At this point, the logical guesses might be Hancock and Mary used to date, but Hancock clearly did something to piss her off. Perhaps he was suppose to take her out those 80 years ago but never showed due to whatever happened to him? Or perhaps his drinking problems started before he could remember? Or... what? For some reason she was pissed.
Hancock does what he always does at times like this, he goes off to buy booze. There are guys with guns holding the shop keeper hostage. Americans call this late night shopping. He stops them, while causing destruction to half the shop, only to find the gunshot to his stomach has resulted in a bullet hole. Huh.
He's rushed to hospital, where Mary shows up as another new character. Turns out now she's truely madly deeply in love with Hancock. All sweet with puppy dog eyes. She lets him know that the reason he can be shot is that when they're together they turn each other mortal. She left him for his own good, because so many times when they were together he risked his life to save her. That time 80 years ago had been one such time, when they were attacked by a gang. When she discovered he had forgotten everything she had decided it best to disappear so he would never be harmed again. Fair enough. But what was with all that seriously pissed, fighting in town centre causing hurricanes nonsense? What was wrong with giving him a little heads up that he might not be so bullet proof any more?
Anyway, despite this, Hancock is a great film and a breath of fresh air in the comic book world (although having never actually been a comic book). Definately worth a watch.
This latest John Hancock will prove to be far more rememberable. An amazing film, although judging by various internet comments floating around it tends to have a Marmitian feel to it, in that you either love it or you hate it. Story time.
80 years ago, a man woke in hospital with no memory of who or what he was. The big hole in his head healed up pretty darn quick and any attempt to give him needles simply saw them brake on his skin. Had the accident somehow made him superhuman? Or if he had always been superhuman, how did he get the big hole in his head to begin with? No one knew. Despite the story being all over the news, no one ever came to tell him who he was. No one ever showed up. He was alone.
On leaving the hospital he was asked to put his "John Hancock" on a document. He took this as his name.
Skip ahead 80 years. Police cars racing after a get-away car. Bullets flying everywhere. The Americans call it a Monday.
"Hancock?"
"uurr.."
"Hancock?!"
John Hancock (Will Smith), lay face down on a public bench, surrounded by empty beer bottles. A little child attempting to wake him.
"What's up kid?"
"Badguys," said the child, impatiently, pointing to the news report. Stopping just long enough to pinch a sexy girl's bottom and pick up another bottle of beer, Hancock springs into action, destoying the bench in the process.
Turns out flying drunk is not as easy as it sounds. Crashing into birds, traffic signs, accidently taking out most of the police cars and almost hitting a plane, Hancock then stops the criminals in the rather unorthadox method of picking up the car and dropping it onto a rather large building.
The news report, far from praising Hancock, reports yet another huge mess he's caused, this time costing the city around 6 million in damages, a new personal best for Hancock.
80 years of solitude has turned Hancock into an unpopular miserable drunk. Will Smith pulls it off perfectly and you can not help but laugh.
"I can smell the liquor on his breath"
-"Thats cos I've been drinking bitch."
"She should sue you", says an over weight man
-"You should sue McDonalds, cos they've messed you up good."
For those who haven't seen it, pop down to your local cinema, then come down and finish reading this.
Unfortunately, there is a downside to the film. The main female of the plot, married lady Mary (Charlize Theron). Her story simply doesn't make any sense and it jumps around all over the place. To begin with, she is a concerned housewife. Her husband has taken a liking to Hancock and took it upon himself to improve Hancock's image and life. She seems, naturally, concerned about having a guy known for mass destruction around the house.
Things then start to develop. Turns out Hancock has a thing for her. With her husband out of sight he gives her "the look", she kinda returns it, he goes in for the kiss. She throws him through the wall.
OK, so turns out she's not quite a normal house wife. She refuses to tell him, or the audience, who she is simply telling him to stay away. Obviously, after 80 years of solitude, he refuses to do so. In exchange for keeping her secret from her husband, she agrees to meet up for a chat. She seems to hate him with a passion at this point.
She lets him know they are the last two of there kind, imortals created by "the Gods". The others have all died. She tries to pass herself off as his sister, but based on the physical attraction between them and possibly the fact that he's black and she's white, Hancock doesn't buy it. His refusal to believe this causes her to get even more pissed. They end up having a huge superhero type fight, which for some reason causes hurricanes. They also decide to do this in front of Hubby, so much for the secret.
She confesses to her husband that technically she's married to Hancock, but they broke up decades ago, Hancock just doesn't remember. She tried so many times over the centuries to get rid of him, but they just end up drawn to each other. But she doesn't want Hancock, she wants him.
At this point, the logical guesses might be Hancock and Mary used to date, but Hancock clearly did something to piss her off. Perhaps he was suppose to take her out those 80 years ago but never showed due to whatever happened to him? Or perhaps his drinking problems started before he could remember? Or... what? For some reason she was pissed.
Hancock does what he always does at times like this, he goes off to buy booze. There are guys with guns holding the shop keeper hostage. Americans call this late night shopping. He stops them, while causing destruction to half the shop, only to find the gunshot to his stomach has resulted in a bullet hole. Huh.
He's rushed to hospital, where Mary shows up as another new character. Turns out now she's truely madly deeply in love with Hancock. All sweet with puppy dog eyes. She lets him know that the reason he can be shot is that when they're together they turn each other mortal. She left him for his own good, because so many times when they were together he risked his life to save her. That time 80 years ago had been one such time, when they were attacked by a gang. When she discovered he had forgotten everything she had decided it best to disappear so he would never be harmed again. Fair enough. But what was with all that seriously pissed, fighting in town centre causing hurricanes nonsense? What was wrong with giving him a little heads up that he might not be so bullet proof any more?
Anyway, despite this, Hancock is a great film and a breath of fresh air in the comic book world (although having never actually been a comic book). Definately worth a watch.
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Incredible Hulk.
The Incredible Hulk story has done the rounds, and this latest instalment had all the basic plot elements. Experiment goes wrong. Man becomes monster. Goes on the run. Big bad ass Team America hunts him down with the typical shoot first and ask questions later approach. Hulk Smash.
However, this latest adaptation also had some extra little gems to help it shine. For the fan-boys, references to Captain America, S.H.I.E.L.D and Iron Man will have them giddy, whilst cameos from Stan Lee and the original Hulk will keep them smiling and a failed translation attempt by Banner causing him to say "Don't make me hungry, you wouldn't like me when I'm hungry" will get the chuckles.
For the slightly less hardcore, simpler pleasures can be obtained from the mix of emotion and action, along with explainations of why the Hulk's pants don't burst and one of the finest sex scenes in comic book movie history.
Best Hulk film to date, but hopefully not as good as the next one.
However, this latest adaptation also had some extra little gems to help it shine. For the fan-boys, references to Captain America, S.H.I.E.L.D and Iron Man will have them giddy, whilst cameos from Stan Lee and the original Hulk will keep them smiling and a failed translation attempt by Banner causing him to say "Don't make me hungry, you wouldn't like me when I'm hungry" will get the chuckles.
For the slightly less hardcore, simpler pleasures can be obtained from the mix of emotion and action, along with explainations of why the Hulk's pants don't burst and one of the finest sex scenes in comic book movie history.
Best Hulk film to date, but hopefully not as good as the next one.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Superman Returns
Finally.
Having missed it at the cinema and on several occasions since, Dave would finally get the chance to see the long awaited Superman Returns, thanks to the great site TV-Links.
The last line Superman says to Lex in Superman IV is "See you in twenty". Coincidently, that movie was released in 1986 and the new movie was released 20 years later, 2006. Dave had started to wonder if he would see it before 2026.
So what was it about?
The father sends the son to Earth. The exact relationship between father and son described as "The father becomes the son and the son becomes the father." The son, although clearly the saviour of the human race, is met with resentment. "The world doesn't need a saviour". He is beaten and humiliated and, despite knowing he is going to die, he still chooses to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, to remove the burden which will destroy mankind whilst sacrificing himself. The life fades from his body, whilst his arms are stretched out to either side in the shape of a cross. A deadly spear in his side ultimately striking the final blow.
But low and behold! The saviour is not dead! The bed in which he lay is now empty! Superman Returns. Oh, and just to put the icing on the cake, the father son thing is repeated with Superman's kid, which kinda makes it a Trinity.
Well, if your gonna rip off a story it might as well be from the best selling book of all time right?
The movie had at least two fairly major plot holes. The first, how could Superman possibly lift an Island/Continent into space when it was laced with Kryptonite and he still had a chunk of Kryptonite in his side? Sure, the Kryptonite in the Island was probably "diluted" and he dug down far beneath the Island to give him some protection and he got a lovely fix from the Sun just before doing it, but he still had a chunk of pretty damn pure looking Kryptonite in his side which wasn't removed till he got to the hospital. He should have been barely able to walk. How is Lex suppose to do anything if Superman doesn't play by the rules?
The second regards his son. Since Clark was surprised to see Lois was with someone, presumably she didn't start going out with Richard till after he left. Since he also has all the knowledge of the advanced Kryptonian people, one would think he could count. Although the audience didn't know anything about the physical side of Clark and Lois' relationship, presumably he did. He slept with her about 5 years ago. She has a child about 4.5 years old. Hmm.
Presumably, since there wasn't any overlap between her relationships with Richard and Superman, she and Richard should have been pretty certain Richard wasn't the real dad too. Ignoring all the "Who's the daddy" nonsense, Superman is an asshole.
Without knowing they slept together, his disappearence without saying goodbye is bad, but acceptable. He always kept her at a bit of a distance. He had to be "Super"man, someone above all the relationship stuff. But would a quick, "My homeworld may have been found. I need to go check." have really been so hard? Considering they slept together, that takes it to a whole new level. He's now one of those guys who just pop out to get the milk and are never seen again. Not knowing she was pregnant is no excuse and in fact adds to the crime, since it makes it more and more likely he slept with her and just wasn't around the next day. Lois forgives him way too quick. Come on girl, so he can fly, get over it.
Not many people could pull off being the saviour and a dick in one film.
I guess that's what makes him Super.
Having missed it at the cinema and on several occasions since, Dave would finally get the chance to see the long awaited Superman Returns, thanks to the great site TV-Links.
The last line Superman says to Lex in Superman IV is "See you in twenty". Coincidently, that movie was released in 1986 and the new movie was released 20 years later, 2006. Dave had started to wonder if he would see it before 2026.
So what was it about?
The father sends the son to Earth. The exact relationship between father and son described as "The father becomes the son and the son becomes the father." The son, although clearly the saviour of the human race, is met with resentment. "The world doesn't need a saviour". He is beaten and humiliated and, despite knowing he is going to die, he still chooses to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, to remove the burden which will destroy mankind whilst sacrificing himself. The life fades from his body, whilst his arms are stretched out to either side in the shape of a cross. A deadly spear in his side ultimately striking the final blow.
But low and behold! The saviour is not dead! The bed in which he lay is now empty! Superman Returns. Oh, and just to put the icing on the cake, the father son thing is repeated with Superman's kid, which kinda makes it a Trinity.
Well, if your gonna rip off a story it might as well be from the best selling book of all time right?
The movie had at least two fairly major plot holes. The first, how could Superman possibly lift an Island/Continent into space when it was laced with Kryptonite and he still had a chunk of Kryptonite in his side? Sure, the Kryptonite in the Island was probably "diluted" and he dug down far beneath the Island to give him some protection and he got a lovely fix from the Sun just before doing it, but he still had a chunk of pretty damn pure looking Kryptonite in his side which wasn't removed till he got to the hospital. He should have been barely able to walk. How is Lex suppose to do anything if Superman doesn't play by the rules?
The second regards his son. Since Clark was surprised to see Lois was with someone, presumably she didn't start going out with Richard till after he left. Since he also has all the knowledge of the advanced Kryptonian people, one would think he could count. Although the audience didn't know anything about the physical side of Clark and Lois' relationship, presumably he did. He slept with her about 5 years ago. She has a child about 4.5 years old. Hmm.
Presumably, since there wasn't any overlap between her relationships with Richard and Superman, she and Richard should have been pretty certain Richard wasn't the real dad too. Ignoring all the "Who's the daddy" nonsense, Superman is an asshole.
Without knowing they slept together, his disappearence without saying goodbye is bad, but acceptable. He always kept her at a bit of a distance. He had to be "Super"man, someone above all the relationship stuff. But would a quick, "My homeworld may have been found. I need to go check." have really been so hard? Considering they slept together, that takes it to a whole new level. He's now one of those guys who just pop out to get the milk and are never seen again. Not knowing she was pregnant is no excuse and in fact adds to the crime, since it makes it more and more likely he slept with her and just wasn't around the next day. Lois forgives him way too quick. Come on girl, so he can fly, get over it.
Not many people could pull off being the saviour and a dick in one film.
I guess that's what makes him Super.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Spiderman 3
Spiderman 3. The inner struggle between good and evil. Venom, Sandman and Baby Goblin.
Dave found it physically painful to watch.
That was not to say Dave didn't enjoy it, it was just that Jean would squeeze his arm everytime there was a loud bang and there were a LOT of loud bangs. This helped make the film seem more realistic as Dave could really feel for the characters.
Overall it was a decent film and Dave did enjoy it, although it quite often seemed to try too hard to be dramatic whilst at the same time desperate for action scenes. An easy example, without giving too much away, would be Sandman. Everytime he spoke he was a loving and caring father, he didn't want to hurt anyone, he just needed to get money for his sick child, deep heart filled moments. Everytime he wasn't speaking he was pounding the c**p outa Spidey for no real reason and his moto of "I don't wanna hurt anyone" did not seem to apply to policemen, who after all aren't really people. Surely a guy made out of sand could find a much sneakier and peaceful way to collect a lot of cash in a short amount of time. But the overall pattern of the film seemed to be emotion, check, action, check, logic? need not apply. For example, what do you do when your girlfriend has been kidnapped and very soon faces certain death?
A: Calmly go home, pull out a box containing your good old faithful red spiderman suit and remove the suit very slowly, staring at it for a good minute or two to make sure the audience understands the deep emotional significance of it being a red suit and not a black one.
This was followed quite quickly by a scene straight from Futurama. "Kif, hold up that flag. Wave it a little."
The inner struggle evil Spidey was a bit of a let down. Considering the overall desperate attempt to cram pack the film full of action, they missed a Golden opportunity. Instead of showing some hardcore Spidey action of him catching thieves in his new evil don't really care if they die manner which would have fit in perfectly well with the story and have been cool, they decided to show Peter walking down the street pointing at people not caring that everyone was laughing at him. Well, it is rude to point, you go bad boy.
A final complaint which must be mentioned despite it being clearly too picky and petty, but what happened to Spidey's Spider Sense? Spidey seemed to be bashed in the back time after time and never seemed to see it coming.
Harry was great. Despite the movie being apparently about Spidey's inner struggle, Harry pulled the inner struggle thing off a lot better. Spidey occasionally came across as a bit of a spoilt child, whilst Harry always seemed to have some real issues. Jean really seemed to warm to Harry and therefore, despite his great acting attempt, Dave hated him and thought he should have been cut out of the movie all together.
A guest appearance from Bruce Wayne's buttler Alfred, pretending to be Harry's buttler, was an unexpected twist. His speach however gave him away, "Bruce, sorry, I mean Batman, I've been friends of your family for a long time, I loved your father, I love you, but you have to know Spidey didn't kill your dad, he was shot in a dark alley way by a mugger, who may or may not have been the Joker depending on which story you believe, but it was his own fault. What sane multimillionaire walks down a dark alleyway in a dangerous area at night? No, Spidey definately didn't kill your dad. He just brought your dads dead body home to lie him on the couch for you as a nice surprise for when you got home."
In summary
Emotion, check
Action, check
Logic? Need not apply.
But two outa three ain't bad.
Go watch it.
Dave found it physically painful to watch.
That was not to say Dave didn't enjoy it, it was just that Jean would squeeze his arm everytime there was a loud bang and there were a LOT of loud bangs. This helped make the film seem more realistic as Dave could really feel for the characters.
Overall it was a decent film and Dave did enjoy it, although it quite often seemed to try too hard to be dramatic whilst at the same time desperate for action scenes. An easy example, without giving too much away, would be Sandman. Everytime he spoke he was a loving and caring father, he didn't want to hurt anyone, he just needed to get money for his sick child, deep heart filled moments. Everytime he wasn't speaking he was pounding the c**p outa Spidey for no real reason and his moto of "I don't wanna hurt anyone" did not seem to apply to policemen, who after all aren't really people. Surely a guy made out of sand could find a much sneakier and peaceful way to collect a lot of cash in a short amount of time. But the overall pattern of the film seemed to be emotion, check, action, check, logic? need not apply. For example, what do you do when your girlfriend has been kidnapped and very soon faces certain death?
A: Calmly go home, pull out a box containing your good old faithful red spiderman suit and remove the suit very slowly, staring at it for a good minute or two to make sure the audience understands the deep emotional significance of it being a red suit and not a black one.
This was followed quite quickly by a scene straight from Futurama. "Kif, hold up that flag. Wave it a little."
The inner struggle evil Spidey was a bit of a let down. Considering the overall desperate attempt to cram pack the film full of action, they missed a Golden opportunity. Instead of showing some hardcore Spidey action of him catching thieves in his new evil don't really care if they die manner which would have fit in perfectly well with the story and have been cool, they decided to show Peter walking down the street pointing at people not caring that everyone was laughing at him. Well, it is rude to point, you go bad boy.
A final complaint which must be mentioned despite it being clearly too picky and petty, but what happened to Spidey's Spider Sense? Spidey seemed to be bashed in the back time after time and never seemed to see it coming.
Harry was great. Despite the movie being apparently about Spidey's inner struggle, Harry pulled the inner struggle thing off a lot better. Spidey occasionally came across as a bit of a spoilt child, whilst Harry always seemed to have some real issues. Jean really seemed to warm to Harry and therefore, despite his great acting attempt, Dave hated him and thought he should have been cut out of the movie all together.
A guest appearance from Bruce Wayne's buttler Alfred, pretending to be Harry's buttler, was an unexpected twist. His speach however gave him away, "Bruce, sorry, I mean Batman, I've been friends of your family for a long time, I loved your father, I love you, but you have to know Spidey didn't kill your dad, he was shot in a dark alley way by a mugger, who may or may not have been the Joker depending on which story you believe, but it was his own fault. What sane multimillionaire walks down a dark alleyway in a dangerous area at night? No, Spidey definately didn't kill your dad. He just brought your dads dead body home to lie him on the couch for you as a nice surprise for when you got home."
In summary
Emotion, check
Action, check
Logic? Need not apply.
But two outa three ain't bad.
Go watch it.
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