After 10 seasons and over 200 episodes, Smallville, the story of a young Clark Kent on his path to become the legendary Superman, is finally coming to an end...
... not counting any potential spin-offs, movies, specials etc that they may use to milk it a bit more...
As such, it is time to look back over the good, the bad and the ugly that was Smallville.
The Good: Lex Luthor.
Lex, the multi-millionaire genius with little in the way of either morals or hair, has generally not been well represented whenever Superman tried to leap from comics to live-action. Gene Hackman’s Lex in the original Superman movies was, unfortunately, an idiot who relied on idiots to get anything done and Kevin Spacey’s Lex followed suit, while John Shea’s Lex in The New Adventures of Superman was just a… well the less said the better.
And then came Michael Rosenbaum. Hell yeah. Smallville’s Lex Luthor, as well as being sex on legs, was just perfectly pitched. Everything worked. From his early beginnings, struggling to fight against his father’s evil influence, to his full fledged bastardhood, killing his father, destroying the fortress of solitude and bringing Superman to his knees, Lex hit the spot time and time again.
Thank you Smallville, for putting right what once went wrong.
The bad: The Chefing of Lex and lazy writing.
Smallville, you absolute f***kers!!!
How the hell could you Chef Lex?!?!?!
Side note: To “Chef” a character is to bring a character back for a limited time after the actor(ess) who plays that character has left the show, for the sole purpose of destroying that character in as crappy a method as possible as a final “f*ck you” to the actor(ess) who abandoned ship. Originates from South Park’s treatment of the character Chef.
Seriously, was it any wonder you had such a hard time getting Michael back for the finale? You turned Lex into a burned up zombie (despite no signs of a fire when Michael was last seen or anything like it happening to the humanised Clark) and made his last action the petty act of breaking up Clark from his girlfriend before blowing him up? Worse still, you didn’t even try to finish the storyline that Michael had been part of.
Lex has Clark on his knees and the fortress of solitude is collapsing all around them. What happens next?
...seriously, what happens?!?
Which brings us nicely to the other bad thing about Smallville: the incredibly lazy writing techniques used.
"OK guys, we’ve built up Doomsday for an entire season, how do we finish him off?”
"Drop him down a hole?”
"Done. Let’s go to the pub.”
The Ugly: Clark Kent
Smalville’s Clark Kent is, without doubt, an absolute git.
First of all, we have the basic Clark Kent formula of making it completely obvious to everyone around him that he “has a secret” then making them feel like complete dicks when they want to know what it is.
"I have a secret.”
"Oh, what is it?”
"I can not believe you would ask me that! I thought we were friends! Why can’t you just respect the fact that I need my privacy! I hate you!”
He milks this issue to the extreme with Lex, which contributes quite a lot to pushing Lex over the edge and into the dark side. Even when Lex straight out tells him that he knows his secret he’s still determined to cover it up.
"I can’t believe you would show me hard scientific evidence that you know I saved your life with superhuman abilities! I’m not superhuman! If you were my friend you would believe me when I’m clearly lying to you! I hate you!”
But 10 seasons of guilt tripping everyone around him is by no means the worse of Clark’s crimes. There are lots, lots more. The top 5 being:
5. Ditching Chloe to go and find himself... just after her husband was brutally murdered in front of her.
4. Running away after his mum has a miscarriage - dude, your parents are in tears, you try to help matters by running away from home?
3. Voluntarily using red Kryptonite - doesn’t matter if your upset, this stuff makes you potentially able to kill people.
2. Not helping Lex when his dad frames him for insanity and starts frying his brain, until AFTER Lex has forgotten he has superpowers.
1. Not saving a bunch of orphans from Granny Goodness - he just saves himself and runs away after he finds they have Kryptonite weapons. He NEVER goes back for the kids! Seriously? Dude.
And with that, there’s nothing left to do but grab some pop-corn and snuggle in for the final few episodes, including the joyous return of the mighty Lex...
... and the almost certain let down that will follow.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
No Strings Attached
Adam is going through a bit of a bad time. He’s broke up with his girlfriend and finding it difficult to move on.
The situation is made worse when, several weeks after the break up, he bumps into his ex....
... in his dad’s house...
Well, at least he has a new mum now.
Needless to say, being a guy, his default reaction is to go out, get drunk and try to sleep with anything that moves...
... which is when he “bumps into” Emma and they start the “No Strings Attached” relationship that gives the movie it’s title.
The film is fairly predicable from this point on and obviously, as with 99% of all such movie relationships, the two end up hopelessly in love with each other. The only slight twist is that, for once, its actually the guy who gets feelings first.
That’s right. Guys have feelings. You heard it here first. (Please reference this article if you ever use this fact.)
Of cause, in reality 99% of these “no strings attached” relationships do not end with wedding bells...
... they usually end with a check up at a clinic.
The situation is made worse when, several weeks after the break up, he bumps into his ex....
... in his dad’s house...
Well, at least he has a new mum now.
Needless to say, being a guy, his default reaction is to go out, get drunk and try to sleep with anything that moves...
... which is when he “bumps into” Emma and they start the “No Strings Attached” relationship that gives the movie it’s title.
The film is fairly predicable from this point on and obviously, as with 99% of all such movie relationships, the two end up hopelessly in love with each other. The only slight twist is that, for once, its actually the guy who gets feelings first.
That’s right. Guys have feelings. You heard it here first. (Please reference this article if you ever use this fact.)
Of cause, in reality 99% of these “no strings attached” relationships do not end with wedding bells...
... they usually end with a check up at a clinic.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Tourist
2 years ago, Alex Pierce stole over $2bn from a gangster and, understandably, disappeared ASAP. Since then, the police have been following his lover around in the hope that he will eventually come back for her.
Sure enough, 2 years on, she finally receives a letter from him. It tells her to take a certain train and chose someone at random of his general height and build and make the police believe it's him.
With a story like this they could have gone in several directions: Action, Romance, Comedy, Police or Gangster spring easily to mind. So what did they choose?
...none.
The romance is cheesy and unbelievable, the comedy is few and far between, the police are incompetent assholes, the gangsters are pointless and the action is dull.
Very dull.
In fact, during a recent experiment it was discovered that approximately 67% of people who watch The Tourist fall asleep at least once during the movie (based on a sample size of three people).
That said, if you’re desperate to see a film and your local cinema is only showing this or Harry Potter...
...move house.
Sure enough, 2 years on, she finally receives a letter from him. It tells her to take a certain train and chose someone at random of his general height and build and make the police believe it's him.
With a story like this they could have gone in several directions: Action, Romance, Comedy, Police or Gangster spring easily to mind. So what did they choose?
...none.
The romance is cheesy and unbelievable, the comedy is few and far between, the police are incompetent assholes, the gangsters are pointless and the action is dull.
Very dull.
In fact, during a recent experiment it was discovered that approximately 67% of people who watch The Tourist fall asleep at least once during the movie (based on a sample size of three people).
That said, if you’re desperate to see a film and your local cinema is only showing this or Harry Potter...
...move house.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Despicable Me Vs Megamind.
In the red corner, weighing in at £3.7m in its UK opening weekend, it’s Universal Picture’s and Illumination’s animated comedy about a Supervillian, Despicable Me! And in the blue corner, weighing in at £2.8m in its UK opening weekend, Dreamworks’ animated comedy about a Supervillian, Megamind!
And, since “this town isn’t big enough for two Supervillians”
Let’s Get Ready to Ruummmbbbllleeeeee!!!!!!!
OK, so first up, it has to be said that both of these movies are great. They’re funny, cute and just incredibly enjoyable to watch, appealing to children of all ages from 1 to 217.
But 2 animated comedies about Supervillians being released within two months of each other? That just begs the question: Which one is better?
Round 1: Storyline
In fairness, neither film is an epic masterpiece when it comes to the plot. There are no real twists and turns and the stories mostly write themselves. However, if anything this simplicity adds to the enjoyable feel of both.
Despicable Me is about the Supervillian Gru and his attempts to pull off the crime of the century – steal the moon. In his quest to obtain the shrink ray required to complete his task he crosses paths with three adorably cute little girls and, needless to say, they begin to slowly melt his heart.
Megamind is about the Supervillian Megamind and his attempts to conquer the boredom and emptiness he feels after he finally defeats his lifelong rival Metroman. In his quest to artificially create a new Superhero to replace his former rival he crosses paths with a female reporter and, needless to say, she begins to slowly melt his heart.
As a story, Megamind does generally offer a little more to keep the watcher on their toes and thus takes the early lead.
Despicable Me 0 – 1 Megamind
Round 2: “Heart Melters”
As mentioned above, both Gru and Megamind come across the distractions of various people who sneak into their lives unexpectedly and begin to melt their cold hearts.
For Gru it is three little orphan girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes, whilst for Megamind it’s the reporter Roxanne.
For anyone who has seen the movies there is really no need to drag this round out. The three girls are absolutely fantastic characters and the viewers’ hearts melt right along with Gru’s. In comparison, Roxanne is far less likable and the leap from foe to friend is far too quick and easy between her and Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 1 Megamind
Round 3: Minions
In Despicable Me, Gru is surrounded by funny little yellow people called Minions, whilst Megamind is surrounded by a bunch of robots he created and his one loyal companion, called Minion.
Both sets of Minions are great and it really is difficult to choose between them. As a group, the Gru Minions are more likable and funny to watch than Megamind’s robots. However, no one individual Gru Minion receives enough attention to become a real character in his own right. As such, none can compare to Megamind’s Minion, the loyal fish who has been with Megamind since birth and always been there when he needed him.
Therefore, round 3 goes to Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 2 Megamind
Round 4: The Other Bad Guy
In Despicable Me, Gru must compete against a new younger villain called Vector whilst Megamind is up against Titan, the person he gave Metroman’s super powers to but who turned out to be a psycho.
Vector and Titan are practically polar opposites of each other. Vector is a weak little science geek who carries out crimes of “magnitude and direction”, whilst Titan is a psychotic idiot with superhuman strength who smashes stuff up because he can.
The biggest difference between them, however, is that Vector is a much more likable character. There are many times within Megamind that the audience gets to laugh at Titan, but at no point is there any real connection.
Despicable Me 2 – 2 Megamind
FINAL ROUND: FIGHT!
Its time to settle this, one-on-one, no holds barred.
Gru Vs Megamind.
Megamind was sent to earth as a baby when his home world was being destroyed. He landed in a prison and was raised by the inmates. When he went to school he tried hard to fit in but soon discovered that the only thing he was ever good at was being bad. He took the role of Supervillian to Metroman’s Superhero and enjoyed the constant battles between the two of them. After finally defeating Metroman he quickly became at a loss as to what to do and eventually, with the rise of Titan, he takes the role of Superhero he always would have filled if Metroman hadn’t got there first.
Gru, on the other hand, doesn’t really have any of Megamind’s emotional baggage. Sure, he has some issues with his mum, but he just genuinely comes across as liking what he does. He doesn’t need a Superhero or anyone else to validate his existence. He does things because he enjoys it and that makes him very enjoyable to watch.
And so the title goes to:
Despicable Me
But don’t let that stop you from watching them both.
And, since “this town isn’t big enough for two Supervillians”
Let’s Get Ready to Ruummmbbbllleeeeee!!!!!!!
OK, so first up, it has to be said that both of these movies are great. They’re funny, cute and just incredibly enjoyable to watch, appealing to children of all ages from 1 to 217.
But 2 animated comedies about Supervillians being released within two months of each other? That just begs the question: Which one is better?
Round 1: Storyline
In fairness, neither film is an epic masterpiece when it comes to the plot. There are no real twists and turns and the stories mostly write themselves. However, if anything this simplicity adds to the enjoyable feel of both.
Despicable Me is about the Supervillian Gru and his attempts to pull off the crime of the century – steal the moon. In his quest to obtain the shrink ray required to complete his task he crosses paths with three adorably cute little girls and, needless to say, they begin to slowly melt his heart.
Megamind is about the Supervillian Megamind and his attempts to conquer the boredom and emptiness he feels after he finally defeats his lifelong rival Metroman. In his quest to artificially create a new Superhero to replace his former rival he crosses paths with a female reporter and, needless to say, she begins to slowly melt his heart.
As a story, Megamind does generally offer a little more to keep the watcher on their toes and thus takes the early lead.
Despicable Me 0 – 1 Megamind
Round 2: “Heart Melters”
As mentioned above, both Gru and Megamind come across the distractions of various people who sneak into their lives unexpectedly and begin to melt their cold hearts.
For Gru it is three little orphan girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes, whilst for Megamind it’s the reporter Roxanne.
For anyone who has seen the movies there is really no need to drag this round out. The three girls are absolutely fantastic characters and the viewers’ hearts melt right along with Gru’s. In comparison, Roxanne is far less likable and the leap from foe to friend is far too quick and easy between her and Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 1 Megamind
Round 3: Minions
In Despicable Me, Gru is surrounded by funny little yellow people called Minions, whilst Megamind is surrounded by a bunch of robots he created and his one loyal companion, called Minion.
Both sets of Minions are great and it really is difficult to choose between them. As a group, the Gru Minions are more likable and funny to watch than Megamind’s robots. However, no one individual Gru Minion receives enough attention to become a real character in his own right. As such, none can compare to Megamind’s Minion, the loyal fish who has been with Megamind since birth and always been there when he needed him.
Therefore, round 3 goes to Megamind.
Despicable Me 1 – 2 Megamind
Round 4: The Other Bad Guy
In Despicable Me, Gru must compete against a new younger villain called Vector whilst Megamind is up against Titan, the person he gave Metroman’s super powers to but who turned out to be a psycho.
Vector and Titan are practically polar opposites of each other. Vector is a weak little science geek who carries out crimes of “magnitude and direction”, whilst Titan is a psychotic idiot with superhuman strength who smashes stuff up because he can.
The biggest difference between them, however, is that Vector is a much more likable character. There are many times within Megamind that the audience gets to laugh at Titan, but at no point is there any real connection.
Despicable Me 2 – 2 Megamind
FINAL ROUND: FIGHT!
Its time to settle this, one-on-one, no holds barred.
Gru Vs Megamind.
Megamind was sent to earth as a baby when his home world was being destroyed. He landed in a prison and was raised by the inmates. When he went to school he tried hard to fit in but soon discovered that the only thing he was ever good at was being bad. He took the role of Supervillian to Metroman’s Superhero and enjoyed the constant battles between the two of them. After finally defeating Metroman he quickly became at a loss as to what to do and eventually, with the rise of Titan, he takes the role of Superhero he always would have filled if Metroman hadn’t got there first.
Gru, on the other hand, doesn’t really have any of Megamind’s emotional baggage. Sure, he has some issues with his mum, but he just genuinely comes across as liking what he does. He doesn’t need a Superhero or anyone else to validate his existence. He does things because he enjoys it and that makes him very enjoyable to watch.
And so the title goes to:
Despicable Me
But don’t let that stop you from watching them both.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Unstoppable
On May 15th 2001, the CSX train number 8888 went on a 66 mile trip through Ohio with no one on board. Over 9 years later the events of that day were finally made into the movie "Unstoppable", starring Denzel Washington...
..or "George Washington" as Xiong likes to call him.
Anyway, history time.
During a routine train movement, an unnamed train engineer (the film calls him "Dewey") climbed out of an otherwise unmanned moving train to hit a switch on a track side in the belief that he had set the train to a safe setting.
They say you learn something new everyday. On May 15th 2001, Dewey learnt leaving a moving train unmanned was not the best of ideas. Particularly when you accidently leave it in full forward throttle and the safety brakes have been disabled.
In reality, the 8888 then started its 2 hour, 66 - mile run for freedom reaching speeds of up to 47 miles per hour carrying thousands of gallons of molten phenol, a toxic ingredient of paints and dyes that is harmful when it is inhaled, ingested, or comes into contact with the skin. After attempts to derail the train failed miserably, a locomotive, with a crew of two, an engineer with 31 years of service and a conductor with one year's experience chased the runaway train in reverse and was able to couple onto its rear and apply its dynamic brakes. Once the runaway was slowed down to a speed of 11 miles per hour, a CSX employee, trainmaster Jon Hosfeld, ran alongside the train, climbed aboard 8888 and shut down the engine.
The only injury during the whole event was to Dewey, who received minor injuries when he originally attemped to get back on the train immediately after getting off.
The film succeeds in telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
... or at least, the Hollywood version of the truth.
Despite several obvious cheesy Hollywood moments thrown in to "add to the excitement", the overall movie is enjoyable and entertaining and worth a watch...
...particularly if your next best option is Harry Potter...
..or "George Washington" as Xiong likes to call him.
Anyway, history time.
During a routine train movement, an unnamed train engineer (the film calls him "Dewey") climbed out of an otherwise unmanned moving train to hit a switch on a track side in the belief that he had set the train to a safe setting.
They say you learn something new everyday. On May 15th 2001, Dewey learnt leaving a moving train unmanned was not the best of ideas. Particularly when you accidently leave it in full forward throttle and the safety brakes have been disabled.
In reality, the 8888 then started its 2 hour, 66 - mile run for freedom reaching speeds of up to 47 miles per hour carrying thousands of gallons of molten phenol, a toxic ingredient of paints and dyes that is harmful when it is inhaled, ingested, or comes into contact with the skin. After attempts to derail the train failed miserably, a locomotive, with a crew of two, an engineer with 31 years of service and a conductor with one year's experience chased the runaway train in reverse and was able to couple onto its rear and apply its dynamic brakes. Once the runaway was slowed down to a speed of 11 miles per hour, a CSX employee, trainmaster Jon Hosfeld, ran alongside the train, climbed aboard 8888 and shut down the engine.
The only injury during the whole event was to Dewey, who received minor injuries when he originally attemped to get back on the train immediately after getting off.
The film succeeds in telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
... or at least, the Hollywood version of the truth.
Despite several obvious cheesy Hollywood moments thrown in to "add to the excitement", the overall movie is enjoyable and entertaining and worth a watch...
...particularly if your next best option is Harry Potter...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1.
From the outset it should be mentioned that this review is possibly unfair to Mr Potter. Having not seen all of the previous films, and not really paying much attention to the few that were seen, there may be unnessary continuity issues which the average viewer may not suffer from. As such, here is a quick summary of what was known before seeing this film:
Harry lived under some stairs until a big bearded bloke picked him up to tell him he's a wizard and take him to wizard school. He soon discovers he's the chosen one who kinda killed the Big Bad wizard when he was a baby (that makes no sense btw). He and the Big Bad are eternally connected due to this and he has a scar on his head to prove it (huh?). The first movie was all about a big bunch of kids trying to score points to see which group won at the end of the year. Harry's team lost... but then won because someone pointed out he's the star. Awful ending.
...Harry kissed a Chinese looking girl...
...there was some kind of race through a maze which resulted in some young wizard dying and the Big Bad being resurected...
...an old guy died...
And here we are, the Deathly Hallows.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
Seriously, this was so dull.
Harry and co teleport to new place. They get found. They wave wands at each other.
Harry and co teleport to new place. They get found. They wave wands at each other...
... for nearly 3 hours!
Pretty much nothing happens and anything that does happen either makes no sense or doesn't bloody get shown.
For example, Harry's BFF randomly gets upset, storms out, randomly comes back a few minutes later. Why? What was the point?
The Minister of Magic comes to see Harry. Next sceen we learn he's dead and the Ministry has fallen to the bad guys... what the hell happened? And why the hell did they leave us watching a stupid wedding while an epic war of good vs evil was taking place down the road?
How the hell do they just randomly keep being in the right place? We need to find these "Horcruxes"... oh look, there's one in the first house we go to. We need the Master Sword to destroy it... oh look, it's in this lake right next to us... Harry is drowning... oh look, BFF is back... ARGH!!!!!
How can you possibly build any kind of suspense when everything is just ridiculously easy? I mean, sure, in alot of films you kinda know certain people are not going to die at certain times, but this goes far beyond this. Not only do you know they're not going to die, you know EXACTLY how they'll get away. *Spolier*: They wave wands at each other, then teleport.
In summary then, if you like wand waving and the occasional teleporting you do not wanna miss this. Afterall, its currently one of the IMDB best movies of the decade...
... of cause, the "decade" started with 2010...
From the outset it should be mentioned that this review is possibly unfair to Mr Potter. Having not seen all of the previous films, and not really paying much attention to the few that were seen, there may be unnessary continuity issues which the average viewer may not suffer from. As such, here is a quick summary of what was known before seeing this film:
Harry lived under some stairs until a big bearded bloke picked him up to tell him he's a wizard and take him to wizard school. He soon discovers he's the chosen one who kinda killed the Big Bad wizard when he was a baby (that makes no sense btw). He and the Big Bad are eternally connected due to this and he has a scar on his head to prove it (huh?). The first movie was all about a big bunch of kids trying to score points to see which group won at the end of the year. Harry's team lost... but then won because someone pointed out he's the star. Awful ending.
...Harry kissed a Chinese looking girl...
...there was some kind of race through a maze which resulted in some young wizard dying and the Big Bad being resurected...
...an old guy died...
And here we are, the Deathly Hallows.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
Seriously, this was so dull.
Harry and co teleport to new place. They get found. They wave wands at each other.
Harry and co teleport to new place. They get found. They wave wands at each other...
... for nearly 3 hours!
Pretty much nothing happens and anything that does happen either makes no sense or doesn't bloody get shown.
For example, Harry's BFF randomly gets upset, storms out, randomly comes back a few minutes later. Why? What was the point?
The Minister of Magic comes to see Harry. Next sceen we learn he's dead and the Ministry has fallen to the bad guys... what the hell happened? And why the hell did they leave us watching a stupid wedding while an epic war of good vs evil was taking place down the road?
How the hell do they just randomly keep being in the right place? We need to find these "Horcruxes"... oh look, there's one in the first house we go to. We need the Master Sword to destroy it... oh look, it's in this lake right next to us... Harry is drowning... oh look, BFF is back... ARGH!!!!!
How can you possibly build any kind of suspense when everything is just ridiculously easy? I mean, sure, in alot of films you kinda know certain people are not going to die at certain times, but this goes far beyond this. Not only do you know they're not going to die, you know EXACTLY how they'll get away. *Spolier*: They wave wands at each other, then teleport.
In summary then, if you like wand waving and the occasional teleporting you do not wanna miss this. Afterall, its currently one of the IMDB best movies of the decade...
... of cause, the "decade" started with 2010...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Inception
From the writer and director of "Memento", "The Dark Knight" and "Batman Begins" comes another entry into the IMDB top 250 films of all time, coming straight in at number 4. Amongst the likes of "The Shawshank Redemption", "The Godfather" and "Schindler's List", it is currently the only film of the last 16 years to be in the top ten, having just kicked "The Dark Knight" down to the 11 spot.
So what is all the fuss about?
The basic plot is simple enough. The main character, Cobb, and his band of merry men use advanced date rape techniques to sneak into people's dreams and steal their inner most secrets, which they then sell off on the black market. Their latest mission, however, has a slight twist, in that instead of stealing an idea from the target, they are asked to implant a new one.
The development of the plot, however, is far from simple and instead sits in the realms of "genius". Why? Because every question it answers along the way invites a whole host of new ones, making it thought-provoking to the point that some viewers have went away doubting their own existance.
Yet it doesn't leave the same bitter aftertaste experienced by a lot of fans from the ending of "Lost".
I'll leave off any spoilers as this is one that you will no doubt have to see for yourself.
Sweet Dreams.
So what is all the fuss about?
The basic plot is simple enough. The main character, Cobb, and his band of merry men use advanced date rape techniques to sneak into people's dreams and steal their inner most secrets, which they then sell off on the black market. Their latest mission, however, has a slight twist, in that instead of stealing an idea from the target, they are asked to implant a new one.
The development of the plot, however, is far from simple and instead sits in the realms of "genius". Why? Because every question it answers along the way invites a whole host of new ones, making it thought-provoking to the point that some viewers have went away doubting their own existance.
Yet it doesn't leave the same bitter aftertaste experienced by a lot of fans from the ending of "Lost".
I'll leave off any spoilers as this is one that you will no doubt have to see for yourself.
Sweet Dreams.
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