Once upon a time, the Ice Giants came to Earth to freeze everything and kill lots of people. Why? Erm, they’re evil?
Anyway, along came Odin, King of the Asgards. He kicked Ice Butt, and stole their power source, leaving them a shadow of their former glory and bringing peace back to the universe.
Skip ahead a few thousand years, Odin is about to hand over his crown to his eldest son, Thor, when the Icicles decide to strike. They fail, painfully, but disrupt Thor’s coronation. Thor gets a little annoyed and decides to go kick Ice Butt, like his dad did in the good old days. Odin tells him to drop it, as he has no intention of repeating that war.
Thor, like an obedient little son, goes to start a war. Needless to say, Odin is a bit miffed when he finds out, and does what any father would do if they’re superhuman son tried to start a war with a bunch of Ice Lolies: Strips him of his powers, banishes him to Earth, and enchants his hammer so that whoever manages to lift it, if he be worthy, would have Thor’s powers.
And so begins Thor’s quest to prove himself worthy of being himself...
... unfortunately a sweet little innocent 6 year old girl gets to it first, and Thor spends the rest of his days as a mere mortal. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Thor is a great film. It’s got humour, action, superheroes and a decent simple story. EVERYTHING works, it’s definitely worth watching.
... now that’s out of the way, here’s a list of things that didn’t work:
*SPOILERS*
Odin’s parenting style: OK, Odin generally seems like a pretty intelligent and respectable guy, and he has had thousands and thousands of years of experience, so how the heck did he think it would be a good idea to effectively pit his sons, princes of the most powerful kingdom in the universe, against each other.
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings."
Let’s face it, to a kid, that would translate to:
"Fight, fight for your father’s affection. I will give the throne to my favorite."
Thor’s stupidity: ... not sure I have much to add... Thor’s an idiot. Seriously, he’s from the most advanced civilisation in the universe and he thinks it’s appropriate to smash his cup to ask for more drink? What kind of highly sophisticated society would go around smashing dishes after every meal... apart from the Greeks... hmmm... never mind.
No one shooting Thor: I’m sorry, but why? Why? Why do they just let Thor walk into a military base, beat everyone up, then just let him leave? Why?!?! Shoot him!!! Why are you not shooting him!?!? You’re suppose to be American!!! Bush would never have let this happen. When Bush was in charge they were blowing the sh*t outa alien Keanu Reaves who came in peace...
Seriously though, it’s a really nice film.
Go watch.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Kung Fu Panda 2
For those who haven’t seen the first Kung Fu Panda Movie: Go watch it! What’s wrong with you?!?! Freak.
By which, I mean, Kung Fu Panda told the story of Po, an overweight lazy son of a noodle shop owner, who spent all day fantasizing about being a Kung Fu master. As fate would have it, he is accidently pointed at by the great Master Oogway as being the Dragon Warrior. Master Oogway, however, doesn’t believe in accidents, and so the Panda’s training begins.
"Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes."
The second movie starts up where the first movie left off, with Po living with the Furious Five and Master Shifu, eating a lot and helping keep the locals safe from danger. We then discover a shocking truth:
*Major Spoiler*
Po is adopted!!!! Mr Ping, the Goose who owns the Noodle and Tofu restaurant (that’s right, he makes Tofu now! Living the dream) is not his real father!!!
Po then goes on a quest to find inner peace, discover his origins and stop the big bad Lord Shen from conquering China.
Is it a good film? Yes.
Is it as good as the first? No.
Unlike the first film, the second is in a tricky position when it comes to Po. They clearly don’t want to lose the humour they had around him being the fat lazy accidental hero, but they can’t ignore the fact that he basically finished the first film as a Kung Fu Master. As such, they kind of blend the two, making Po’s silly moments feel more forced. Also, a lot of the jokes in the second film are either taken from or extensions of jokes from the first.
Still, if you liked the first, it’s a good film and worth a watch.
By which, I mean, Kung Fu Panda told the story of Po, an overweight lazy son of a noodle shop owner, who spent all day fantasizing about being a Kung Fu master. As fate would have it, he is accidently pointed at by the great Master Oogway as being the Dragon Warrior. Master Oogway, however, doesn’t believe in accidents, and so the Panda’s training begins.
"Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes."
The second movie starts up where the first movie left off, with Po living with the Furious Five and Master Shifu, eating a lot and helping keep the locals safe from danger. We then discover a shocking truth:
*Major Spoiler*
Po is adopted!!!! Mr Ping, the Goose who owns the Noodle and Tofu restaurant (that’s right, he makes Tofu now! Living the dream) is not his real father!!!
Po then goes on a quest to find inner peace, discover his origins and stop the big bad Lord Shen from conquering China.
Is it a good film? Yes.
Is it as good as the first? No.
Unlike the first film, the second is in a tricky position when it comes to Po. They clearly don’t want to lose the humour they had around him being the fat lazy accidental hero, but they can’t ignore the fact that he basically finished the first film as a Kung Fu Master. As such, they kind of blend the two, making Po’s silly moments feel more forced. Also, a lot of the jokes in the second film are either taken from or extensions of jokes from the first.
Still, if you liked the first, it’s a good film and worth a watch.
Arthur
A modern day remake of the 1981 film by the same name, Arthur tells the tale of the poor little rich kid, who is given an ultimatum by his cold-hearted mother. Marry a girl he doesn’t love or lose all his wealth. Oh, and just to add to the pressure, he conveniently bumps into another girl, the girl of his dreams, at the same time.
Oh what to do?
Well, first you should probably get a builder in, to fix up some of the massive plot holes.
Arthur’s relationships with just about every other character make no sense.
His mum – successful business lady who takes no sh*t.
Why would she wait so long to sort Arthur out? Why wouldn’t she cut off his money years ago? Why would she think marriage would be the answer to all her issues with him? Wouldn’t something like “Give up drink or the money” have made a lot more sense?
His nanny – kind hearted, sensible, wants Arthur to turn out well.
How the hell did she raise him so wrong? She’s basically been his mum since he was a baby, so what the hell went wrong? And why wasn’t she fired years and years ago when Arthur clearly showed he was out of control?
His driver – idiot.
Nuff said? You’re a multi-billionaire, do you really hire an idiot to look after your only heir?
His wife to be – daughter of a self-made millionaire.
Why would she want to marry Arthur? Money, yes, but the film suggests she’s more interested in his name. What name? The only reputation he has is as a drunk who sleeps with anything that moves. Also, why does Arthur reject her so much? He sleeps with anything that moves. Just seems like a big change from that to the guy who’s holding out for his true love to come along.
Arthur – likable little billionaire puppy.
. . . but he’s not really likable. He’s in a position where he could do great things, but just pisses it all away. That’s kinda annoying.
That said, Arthur’s not really that bad a film. It does have some funny lines and amusing scenes.
But, like Arthur, it could have been more.
Oh what to do?
Well, first you should probably get a builder in, to fix up some of the massive plot holes.
Arthur’s relationships with just about every other character make no sense.
His mum – successful business lady who takes no sh*t.
Why would she wait so long to sort Arthur out? Why wouldn’t she cut off his money years ago? Why would she think marriage would be the answer to all her issues with him? Wouldn’t something like “Give up drink or the money” have made a lot more sense?
His nanny – kind hearted, sensible, wants Arthur to turn out well.
How the hell did she raise him so wrong? She’s basically been his mum since he was a baby, so what the hell went wrong? And why wasn’t she fired years and years ago when Arthur clearly showed he was out of control?
His driver – idiot.
Nuff said? You’re a multi-billionaire, do you really hire an idiot to look after your only heir?
His wife to be – daughter of a self-made millionaire.
Why would she want to marry Arthur? Money, yes, but the film suggests she’s more interested in his name. What name? The only reputation he has is as a drunk who sleeps with anything that moves. Also, why does Arthur reject her so much? He sleeps with anything that moves. Just seems like a big change from that to the guy who’s holding out for his true love to come along.
Arthur – likable little billionaire puppy.
. . . but he’s not really likable. He’s in a position where he could do great things, but just pisses it all away. That’s kinda annoying.
That said, Arthur’s not really that bad a film. It does have some funny lines and amusing scenes.
But, like Arthur, it could have been more.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Smallville Finale
Warning: *Spoilers*
*Major Spoilers.*
With the wedding of Lois and Clark, Darkseid and his apocalypse, Clark’s final transformation into Superman and, most importantly, the return of Lex, as well as any other loose ends the show felt like tying up, the Smallville Finale had its work cut out to squeeze it all in, even with the longer run time of 83 minutes.
OK, so we start with the wedding. Good choice, get that out the way.
Lois is doubting if she should marry Clark. She loves him, but feels she, a mere mortal, will be getting in his way. Clark tells her she’s being silly. Fairly pointless scenes since I don’t think anyone watching will have any doubts that they’ll finish up together. This is Superman and Lois Lane FFS.
After a few more fairly pointless scenes we move on to...
...Clark having doubts about Lois… wait… what? Really? We’re still on this?
10 min in – Lois and Clark
20 min in – Lois and Clark
30 min in – Lois and Clark
Smallville, you absolute twats, don’t do this. Where the hell is Lex?!? What are you doing with Darkseid? Why aren’t you focusing on the bloody birth of Superman!?! That’s what this show, all 10 seasons of it, was suppose to have been made for!
35 min in – Oliver turns bad boy, OK, it starts.
37 min in – Clark says, “Don’t be bad, mkay?” Oliver replies, “Yeah, fair enough, sorry about that.”
We have our first anti-climax people. Smallville – keeping it real – giving the fans what they clearly keep coming back for.
Then we have another 10 min of pointless waffle.
45 min in – we finally get a mention of Lex!!!! Turns out, Lex had almost completed a perfect clone – none of this aging crap, no worries about Clark DNA, just pure, unadulterated Lex. Its missing only one part – the heart (obviously). Seriously, what’s so hard about getting a fake heart for someone with Lex’s tech skills?
Anyway, Lionel decides Tess would be a good place to find a heart, Tess disagrees, they have a bit of an argument and it ends with Lionel selling his soul to Darkseid for Lex’s return.
50 min in – Lex opens his eyes!!!
This should be a great moment, but its spoilt by one fairly major fact – there’s only 33 min left and we’ve gotten nowhere. Well, that and the fact that the equipment he’s in is trying to remind people of how they killed Lex. Why would you want people to remember that? It sucked. Big time.
Despite everyone telling Clark that since the world is about to be destroyed it might be a good time to go see Jor-El and get help, he still hasn’t bothered, nothing really happening with Darkseid, other than a big planet about to hit the Earth and Lex has only 33 min to turn it all around.
You would think another planet about to hit Earth would be a bigger deal. You would think, with how close it looks in some of the scenes, it might mess things up a little bit more. You would be wrong.
55 – 60 min – Lex’s first real scene. It’s a nice scene, although, unfortunately, he tells us exactly what we didn’t really want to hear, but with only 23 min left we knew was coming: “Hi Clark, don’t mind me, I’m only here for the epilogue.”
61 min in – anti-climax number 2 – Oliver takes out Granny and the other 2 of Darkseid’s elite with a single shot. All 3, one shot, no fight. That was easy.
65 min in – Clark is FINALLY thinking about, possibly going to see Jor-El, when Darkseid appears in the zombified form of Lionel – with a stupid voice.
68 min in – after 3 min of flashbacks – Clark can fly!! Whoo!
69 min in – anti-climax the third – Darkseid is dead in a single blow.
And so, of cause, is Lionel. True, Lionel was pretty dead already, but it would have been nice if Clark could have hesitated for even a second to consider if Lionel could be saved. I mean this is basically the very first moment as Superman. His very first act is to kill Lionel without a hint of hesitation? Superman? Kill? No regrets?
Fudge it, there’s only 13 min left, lets wrap thing up. Clark puts on his cape, rescues Lois in a plane (obviously), then throws the planet that was about to hit Earth away and everyone is happy again. Anti-climax 4? I’m losing count.
Cut to seven years later – all is well, and Lois and Clark are about to get married… what? Why the hell would that take another 7 years?
If they still had the option of another 7 seasons they would really want to fill it all with Lois and Clark huh?
Well then, I guess this is a good time for it to end.
Goodbye Smallville.
R.I.P.
*Major Spoilers.*
With the wedding of Lois and Clark, Darkseid and his apocalypse, Clark’s final transformation into Superman and, most importantly, the return of Lex, as well as any other loose ends the show felt like tying up, the Smallville Finale had its work cut out to squeeze it all in, even with the longer run time of 83 minutes.
OK, so we start with the wedding. Good choice, get that out the way.
Lois is doubting if she should marry Clark. She loves him, but feels she, a mere mortal, will be getting in his way. Clark tells her she’s being silly. Fairly pointless scenes since I don’t think anyone watching will have any doubts that they’ll finish up together. This is Superman and Lois Lane FFS.
After a few more fairly pointless scenes we move on to...
...Clark having doubts about Lois… wait… what? Really? We’re still on this?
10 min in – Lois and Clark
20 min in – Lois and Clark
30 min in – Lois and Clark
Smallville, you absolute twats, don’t do this. Where the hell is Lex?!? What are you doing with Darkseid? Why aren’t you focusing on the bloody birth of Superman!?! That’s what this show, all 10 seasons of it, was suppose to have been made for!
35 min in – Oliver turns bad boy, OK, it starts.
37 min in – Clark says, “Don’t be bad, mkay?” Oliver replies, “Yeah, fair enough, sorry about that.”
We have our first anti-climax people. Smallville – keeping it real – giving the fans what they clearly keep coming back for.
Then we have another 10 min of pointless waffle.
45 min in – we finally get a mention of Lex!!!! Turns out, Lex had almost completed a perfect clone – none of this aging crap, no worries about Clark DNA, just pure, unadulterated Lex. Its missing only one part – the heart (obviously). Seriously, what’s so hard about getting a fake heart for someone with Lex’s tech skills?
Anyway, Lionel decides Tess would be a good place to find a heart, Tess disagrees, they have a bit of an argument and it ends with Lionel selling his soul to Darkseid for Lex’s return.
50 min in – Lex opens his eyes!!!
This should be a great moment, but its spoilt by one fairly major fact – there’s only 33 min left and we’ve gotten nowhere. Well, that and the fact that the equipment he’s in is trying to remind people of how they killed Lex. Why would you want people to remember that? It sucked. Big time.
Despite everyone telling Clark that since the world is about to be destroyed it might be a good time to go see Jor-El and get help, he still hasn’t bothered, nothing really happening with Darkseid, other than a big planet about to hit the Earth and Lex has only 33 min to turn it all around.
You would think another planet about to hit Earth would be a bigger deal. You would think, with how close it looks in some of the scenes, it might mess things up a little bit more. You would be wrong.
55 – 60 min – Lex’s first real scene. It’s a nice scene, although, unfortunately, he tells us exactly what we didn’t really want to hear, but with only 23 min left we knew was coming: “Hi Clark, don’t mind me, I’m only here for the epilogue.”
61 min in – anti-climax number 2 – Oliver takes out Granny and the other 2 of Darkseid’s elite with a single shot. All 3, one shot, no fight. That was easy.
65 min in – Clark is FINALLY thinking about, possibly going to see Jor-El, when Darkseid appears in the zombified form of Lionel – with a stupid voice.
68 min in – after 3 min of flashbacks – Clark can fly!! Whoo!
69 min in – anti-climax the third – Darkseid is dead in a single blow.
And so, of cause, is Lionel. True, Lionel was pretty dead already, but it would have been nice if Clark could have hesitated for even a second to consider if Lionel could be saved. I mean this is basically the very first moment as Superman. His very first act is to kill Lionel without a hint of hesitation? Superman? Kill? No regrets?
Fudge it, there’s only 13 min left, lets wrap thing up. Clark puts on his cape, rescues Lois in a plane (obviously), then throws the planet that was about to hit Earth away and everyone is happy again. Anti-climax 4? I’m losing count.
Cut to seven years later – all is well, and Lois and Clark are about to get married… what? Why the hell would that take another 7 years?
If they still had the option of another 7 seasons they would really want to fill it all with Lois and Clark huh?
Well then, I guess this is a good time for it to end.
Goodbye Smallville.
R.I.P.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Your Highness
The tale of two princes, Fabious and Thadeous, one dashing and brave, the other… Thadeous. When Fabious’ fiancée is taken by an evil wizard, the brother’s must work together to rescue her.
Admittedly, Your Highness has not done well with the critics, be they professional critics or internet nut jobs. Seriously, what kind of idiot writes random film reviews for no money that almost no one will ever read? Freaks.
It is almost universally agreed that Your Highness is a bad film. And in truth, it’s pretty easy to see why. It’s stupid, pointless and predictable, the humour is incredibly crude and a lot of the jokes are given away in the trailer.
If you’re easily offended, this will offend you. If you watch offensive comedy all the time, this may well bore you. It’s difficult to see who the target audience really was.
But, in the words of Thadeous himself, “Fuck that.”
I found it hilarious.
True, they did milk the sex jokes and the word “fuck”, but it still managed to be incredibly easy to watch, with a lot of likable characters who all had clear, understandable motives.
And a lot of very funny moments.
Just try to remember not to take it seriously.
Admittedly, Your Highness has not done well with the critics, be they professional critics or internet nut jobs. Seriously, what kind of idiot writes random film reviews for no money that almost no one will ever read? Freaks.
It is almost universally agreed that Your Highness is a bad film. And in truth, it’s pretty easy to see why. It’s stupid, pointless and predictable, the humour is incredibly crude and a lot of the jokes are given away in the trailer.
If you’re easily offended, this will offend you. If you watch offensive comedy all the time, this may well bore you. It’s difficult to see who the target audience really was.
But, in the words of Thadeous himself, “Fuck that.”
I found it hilarious.
True, they did milk the sex jokes and the word “fuck”, but it still managed to be incredibly easy to watch, with a lot of likable characters who all had clear, understandable motives.
And a lot of very funny moments.
Just try to remember not to take it seriously.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Source Code
Colter Stevens wakes up on a train across from a woman he doesn't recognise, heading to an unknown location with no memory of how he got there. Last thing he remembers he was flying a helicopter in Afghanistan.
...man, how much did he drink last night...?
Unfortunately he doesn't get much time to figure stuff out as 8 minutes later the train explodes and he dies a horrible death.
... which isn't good for a hangover.
The End. Short film.
No, of cause not. Colter wakes up again, in some kind of pod, still no memory of how he got there. A woman called Goodwin appears on a TV screen and tells him he's reliving the last 8 minutes of some other guy's life and he needs to keep reliving it until he can find the bomber to prevent any further explosions.
And with that he wakes up on the train again...
OK, lets get the obvious out of the way. The science in this film is shakey at best. It doesn't really apply any real kind of logic and the ending in particular doesn't even follow the shakey non-science that the movie has set up. If your easily bugged by this kind of thing...
...get a life?
That out of the way, Source Code is a very entertaining film with likable main characters and plenty of explosions...
...or at least one explosion that it shows plenty of times...
In fact, Source Code is so good that one legendary film critic recently said of it:
"'Source Code' is probably the best film I've seen so far this year, I think."
-H. Wilks
Admitedly he probably hasn't seen King's Speech.
...man, how much did he drink last night...?
Unfortunately he doesn't get much time to figure stuff out as 8 minutes later the train explodes and he dies a horrible death.
... which isn't good for a hangover.
The End. Short film.
No, of cause not. Colter wakes up again, in some kind of pod, still no memory of how he got there. A woman called Goodwin appears on a TV screen and tells him he's reliving the last 8 minutes of some other guy's life and he needs to keep reliving it until he can find the bomber to prevent any further explosions.
And with that he wakes up on the train again...
OK, lets get the obvious out of the way. The science in this film is shakey at best. It doesn't really apply any real kind of logic and the ending in particular doesn't even follow the shakey non-science that the movie has set up. If your easily bugged by this kind of thing...
...get a life?
That out of the way, Source Code is a very entertaining film with likable main characters and plenty of explosions...
...or at least one explosion that it shows plenty of times...
In fact, Source Code is so good that one legendary film critic recently said of it:
"'Source Code' is probably the best film I've seen so far this year, I think."
-H. Wilks
Admitedly he probably hasn't seen King's Speech.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Limitless
Eddie is a writer who hasn't written anything and spends most of his time and money on drink. a.k.a a bum.
But all that is about to change when he runs into his ex-bro-in-law who offers him a drug called NZT. Not a very catchy name, admitedly, but it packs a pretty punch.
NZT enables the user to "access 100% of their brain" - i.e. it makes you pretty damn smart.
Now, before we go any further, let me make one thing perfectly clear:
"Drugs are bad, m'kay."
That said, if I were to ever be tempted by a drug (never have, never will), NZT would definately tick all the right boxes.
NZT takes a worthless bum like Eddie and turns him into someone so smart he can predict the stock market. Imagine what it would do to an Actuary with a PhD in statistics...
...anyway, back to the film...
After finally finishing off the book he never started, Eddie turns his new NZT powers to something really useful...
...driving around in fast cars, having sex and jumping into lakes...
...wait, what?
OK, even on NZT, Eddie is pretty easily distracted. Eventually though, he does realise that he may be able to set his sights a little higher and, hey presto, he starts predicting the stock market (for the record, not possible) and making his mega bucks.
But as his stash of NZT starts to run lower, he finally starts to investigate more about this weird little wonder drug...
...and discovers all other users are now either dead or dying...
Its a decent film, with enough going on throughout to keep the viewer entertained and worth a watch. Like with alot of films though, it does suffer from a major lack of common sense, with alot of things that are fairly obvious to the viewer still being completely missed by a character who is suppose to be bloody smart enough to predict the friggan stock market.
As a simple example, why would it take so bloody long to think... "hmmm... maybe I should try and figure out what this drug I've become completely dependent on actually is, whether or not its dangerous and what I should do when I start to run out..."
But still, decent film.
But all that is about to change when he runs into his ex-bro-in-law who offers him a drug called NZT. Not a very catchy name, admitedly, but it packs a pretty punch.
NZT enables the user to "access 100% of their brain" - i.e. it makes you pretty damn smart.
Now, before we go any further, let me make one thing perfectly clear:
"Drugs are bad, m'kay."
That said, if I were to ever be tempted by a drug (never have, never will), NZT would definately tick all the right boxes.
NZT takes a worthless bum like Eddie and turns him into someone so smart he can predict the stock market. Imagine what it would do to an Actuary with a PhD in statistics...
...anyway, back to the film...
After finally finishing off the book he never started, Eddie turns his new NZT powers to something really useful...
...driving around in fast cars, having sex and jumping into lakes...
...wait, what?
OK, even on NZT, Eddie is pretty easily distracted. Eventually though, he does realise that he may be able to set his sights a little higher and, hey presto, he starts predicting the stock market (for the record, not possible) and making his mega bucks.
But as his stash of NZT starts to run lower, he finally starts to investigate more about this weird little wonder drug...
...and discovers all other users are now either dead or dying...
Its a decent film, with enough going on throughout to keep the viewer entertained and worth a watch. Like with alot of films though, it does suffer from a major lack of common sense, with alot of things that are fairly obvious to the viewer still being completely missed by a character who is suppose to be bloody smart enough to predict the friggan stock market.
As a simple example, why would it take so bloody long to think... "hmmm... maybe I should try and figure out what this drug I've become completely dependent on actually is, whether or not its dangerous and what I should do when I start to run out..."
But still, decent film.
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