Beautiful Lies

The first impression of this movie is of a pretty little French film with a very pretty little Audrey Tautou playing a character called Emilie. And if that doesn’t remind you of the French classic Amelie, nothing will.

So far, so good.

One day, Emilie receives a romantic letter from co-worker Jean (don’t get excited, Jean is a guy’s name in France). However, as the letter is sent anonymously, Emilie bins it, assuming it to be from some crazy old customer.

A little later, Emilie realizes that her mother is very depressed about her love life, which will only be made worse when she finds out her father is planning to remarry. And so, Emilie innocently decides to pass on the love letter to her mother to cheer her up…

…obviously nothing could possibly go wrong. Until her mother gets upset that a second letter hasn’t been sent…

This film had all the ingredients to be a really nice film (i.e. Audrey Tautou), but as it progresses any trace of innocence is stripped away layer by layer. By the time we reach the end, the lies being told have nothing remotely “beautiful” about them. They’re just cruel and twisted.

First impressions can be deceiving.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Historically, Captain America was designed to be a walking, talking American flag. He was first released during the second world war as part of the propaganda campaign and his popularity quickly faded away with the war’s end. He soon disappeared from the comic book pages all together.

Decades later it was decided to try and bring him back, and they made up a story of him being frozen in ice to explain his absence.

The film captures his tale perfectly.

Our hero is a skinny little guy called Steve Rogers. He spends his days getting into fights with people a lot bigger than him and then letting them beat him to a pulp and dreams of joining the army, so the Germans can give him a proper thrashing. Unfortunately for him, the army keeps turning him down, no matter how much he begs, as he’s deemed physically unfit to serve.

In summary, he’s a bit of an idiot.

To cheer him up, his friend sets him up on a blind date. However, while he’s out with the girl he discovers he can’t take his mind off getting the shit kicked out of him, and ditches her for another try at joining the army.

…an idiot with a weird fetish...

Finally, after all his months of trying, he is accepted. By a German. Who plans to mutate him using a completely untested new drug.

Needless to say he jumps at the chance.

There’s a big debate in the movie as to why Steve was chosen, with the German saying it’s “because a weak man knows the value of strength, the value of power.”

Well, that’s one theory… and here’s some more likely ones:

1.       The German is being held against his will, and thus chooses the subject least likely to survive the process.

2.       The plan is to have an army of super soldiers. Why waste your best men on the first experiment, which will almost surely go horribly wrong?

3.       He won the prize for being the 1 millionth army applicant. Hurray!

Regardless, they pump him full of steroids and Captain America is born. Unfortunately, the German is assassinated along with any hope of creating any more super soldiers.

Still, one superhero is better than nothing, and they put him to good use, to do the thing he was originally created for.

They wrap him in an American flag and make him dance around as part of the propaganda campaign…

…and people think Batman is bad ass…

Rise of The Planet of The Apes

Despite the huge fan base, and labels such as “classic” and “masterpiece” regularly being thrown at it, I’ve never actually seen the original 1968 version of Planet of the Apes.

I’ve also never watched the 2001 remake, which apparently spat in the face of the original, ruining its good name.

Or Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (POTA), Beneath the POTA, Battle for the POTA, Behind the POTA … etc…

… hell, I haven’t even seen Planet of the Erotic Ape… yet…

None of that matters, as I’m happy to announce that Rise of the POTA, being both a prequel and a reboot, requires no real knowledge of any previous monkey business.

We open with Will, a well meaning genetic scientist, using monkeys to test his new drug that is designed to improve brain functions and ultimately cure Alzheimer’s disease and save his father’s life.

Ah crap. A scientist playing with genetics. Humanity’s screwed.

When one of the monkeys starts showing signs of hostility, the project is cancelled and all the monkeys are killed.

… all but one… a little baby monkey who no one could bring themselves to kill…

Ah crap. Letting one live. Humanity’s screwed.

Will takes the monkey home, calls him Caesar, and raises him as a son. Meanwhile, despite funding issues, he continues to work on his drug…

… you can guess the rest.

Super 8

Everyone loves a good mystery right? And this movie has a great one:

“Why is it called Super 8?”

We open to the news that our main character, a kid called Joe, has just had his mum killed horribly in a factory accident. She was so badly crushed that the other kids are standing around at the funeral wondering what it is they actually put in the coffin.

So it’s a light-hearted family movie then?

After the funeral, we see Joe’s dad, Mr Police-officer, having a serious looking argument with another guy, who he kicks out of his house and tells to never come back...
... hmmm... why...?

DON’T ASK! This mystery is not why you are here! It will distract you and disappoint you! Focus:
“Why is it called Super 8?”

So Joe and his friends, Fat Kid, Firestarter, Coward and Other Kid, are making a zombie movie, when Fat Kid (he’s the writer/director) decides what the movie needs is some love interest, so he invites Blond Girl to join them.
1,2,3,4,5,6... damn... why is it called Super 8?

Anyway, when filming one of the scenes for the zombie flick, the kids end up right next to a train explosion caused by some crazy guy driving his car directly at the train. Crazy Guy somehow manages to survive the collision and tells the kids to run.

Run and tell no one of what they saw.

Enter the big bad military people, cover ups, conspiracies and strange disappearings.

*SPOILERS*

Turns out, the monster is actually really nice and friendly – although he does eat people...

Oh, and if you haven’t figured it out yet, Super 8 is a type of camera that the kids use to make their film.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

After the unbelievable dullness that was part 1, I was more than a little bit tempted to give this one a miss.

But then, having sold 15 million copies of the book in just the first 24 hours of its release, there surely must be something interesting in it and since none of that was in the first part...

*Spoilers*

We open to Harry and co deciding that they need to break into an evil witch’s treasure fault where they will no doubt find another of the horcrux.

If, like many other people, you slept through most of the first part, I should remind you that only by destroying all the horcruxes can they then kill the big bad Voldemort, but the horcruxes could be anywhere and could look like anything. You might think this would make matters difficult, but they tend to be in the very first place anyone decides to look for them, which is handy.

Now, in order to get into Witch’s secret chamber they need the help of a goblin, and thus bribe him with the Sword of Gryffindor...

...why?

The goblin does fudge all to get them in. The whole scene can be added to the pile of pointless that the first part started to build up.

They sneak in, the goblin betrays them, takes the sword, then moments later Voldemort has killed him and the sword disappears and goes back to the good guys. Admittedly not straight back to Harry, but close enough to make the whole thing pointless.

Oh, and obviously the horcrux was exactly where they thought it would be and another one bites the dust.

With the movie being over two hours in length, I won’t go through it scene by scene, but I have to point out one more pet peeve.

WHY DOESN’T HARRY DIE?!?!?!

Too harsh? Maybe, but they’ve clearly been building up to the fact that the only way to kill Voldemort would be for Harry’s death since the first film, and they explicitly state it in this film, so why doesn’t he bloody die?

Harry is not an interesting character, he is not the best wizard, his only claim to fame was that he would have to die. What went wrong?

I know, I know, it’s a kids film, but seriously, of the 15 million people who bought the book in the first 24 hours, I would wager about 14,999,972 were over the age of 12.

Harry should die.

Beginners

This is a beautiful film.

This is everything Tree of Life wished it could be and more.

The film focuses on Oliver (Ewan McGregor), a 38 year old graphic artist. Oliver’s mother died when he was 33, 6 months later his father announced he was gay and 4 years after that his father died. He is left alone, with only his father’s dog, Arthur, as a companion. Until he meets Anna.
And that’s pretty much the whole film from start to finish.

Now, you’re probably wondering where the *Spoilers* warning disappeared to, but everything I just said is described in the first 5 minutes of the film. The beauty of this film is not in the story development, but in the character development.

Of the 26 movies I’ve seen in the cinema over the past year, at least half of them have struggled to find even one really likable character.
This movie has found them all. Especially the dog, Arthur.

Oliver: “Look, it’s lonely out here, so, you better learn how to talk with me.”
Subtitles under Arthur: *While I understand up to 150 words – I don’t talk.*

Arthur is fantastic, this film is great and you need to watch it.

*Are we married yet?*

This is a beautiful film.

The Tree of Life

This is a strange film.

We open to Mrs O’Brien receiving a letter that her son has died. She’s, understandably, upset. Her husband is upset. One of her other son’s is upset.
They all do narration to show they’re upset while the film shows some “artistic” images.

Then we reach the strange part.

The narration stops, any images regarding the family stop and the film starts showing a kaleidoscope of weird images.

A close up of the Sun, looking like something you would get on a screensaver
...planets... water...
... wtf?...
... sealife ... dinosaurs ... huh?...

This goes on a while. At least 10 solid minutes of random images, without explanation. It’s around this time that people started to give up and walk out of the cinema. I couldn’t blame them. It’s long enough to make you wonder if this is how the rest of the film is going to be, a series of random images, and boring enough to make that thought scare you away.

Then, just as suddenly as the randomness started, it goes away. That’s not to say the whole film isn’t desperately still trying to be “artistic” in every scene, but a story line comes back.

It’s the story of the family growing up, the mum, dad and three boys.

But after the mind rape of those 10 minutes it takes along time to get back into, and by the time you do it’s too little too late. The movie feels forced and drags out far too long.

Then we finish with some more random scenes – this time the equivalent of the “bow” at the end of a stage performance, with every actor in the film randomly walking around on a random beach.

Obviously fans of the film will call me an idiot. Tell me I didn’t “get it”. It’s “art”.

Yes, it’s weird enough so that it can be interpreted in various ways, cause debates about the “true” meanings, etc, but it’s a fine line between genius and insanity and I fear this film is often on the wrong side of that line.

This is a strange film.