The Dark Knight Rises

In the comics, Bane is known as “The Man Who Broke The Bat” – the man who defeated Batman, broke his spine, then let him live just so he could suffer. The Dark Knight Rises follows closely to that story, with one fairly major tweak:

The man who broke the bat was Heath Ledger’s Joker.

Eight years after the events of Dark Knight, we start our film with a Bruce Wayne that is already broken. Not only has he not been Batman during these eight years, he hasn’t been Bruce either. He doesn’t leave the house, he can barely walk and his company is going down the drain.


With an opening like that, and a title like this one, there is surely only one way this character can go.


Down…?


Although not an awful movie at all, this movie does have a lot of problems and just doesn’t live up to the previous installment. There are some scenes that are a bit silly, some bits of the story that are illogical, but the biggest issue is that Batman kinda sucks in this movie. Seriously, this is a Batman movie that will have kids fighting to be Robin when they play together.


Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of Bat-fails from the movie. Note – it’s also a list of pretty much every scene Batman has.


*SPOILERS*

1. Batman meets Catwoman – she knocks him down with ease and steals his mum’s necklace and his fingerprints.

2. Robin figures out his secret identity with almost no effort.

3. Batman meets Catwoman again – he takes back the necklace… but loses his car.

4. Batman fails to stop Bane from messing up the stock market – he actually helps Bane to escape by distracting the cops.

5. Batman loses all his money and his company – he gets kicked out of his own board meeting.

6. Batman successfully manages to get his chosen successor to take over the company… but she turns out to be the main villain.

7. Alfred walks out on Batman.

8. Batman meets Catwoman again – she leads him straight into a trap.

9. Bane slaps Batman around with ease, breaks his back, steals his toys, then drops him in a prison to rot.

10. Batman fails several times to make it out of the prison – something that a little girl could do.

11. Batman, after his glorious “rise”, comes back for his final battle with Bane – it ends with Catwoman saving him from otherwise certain death.

12. He refuses to stop talking in his silly Bat-voice, even when everyone who can hear him knows he’s Bruce Wayne.


At no point during this movie does Batman ever really “rise” – at no point does he do anything remarkable. Sure he does have a couple of small wins, but they’re clouded at best. Namely:

1. He gets out of the prison… eventually… but so did a little girl, with no training.

2. He makes it back to Gotham, with no money, little food, no idea where he is… but this is all done off screen.

3. He saves Gordon… but only just, and he wastes so much time putting together a big fiery bat symbol first.

4. He flies the bomb safely away… after wasting time chatting and kissing with less than 5 minutes to detonation… also he’s not really in the plane.


In comparison, every other character makes more sense and is more useful to the plot.


The other issue with this movie is the elephant in the room. It seems to be trying very, very hard to connect back up to Batman Begins, whilst simultaneously avoiding any mention of Joker.

The result of this makes The Dark Knight a pointless movie – which is shocking. Worse, the overall storyline would now work better WITHOUT The Dark Knight – the greatest Batman movie ever made.


In fairness, Nolan admitted this was deliberate – he felt it wrong to bring Joker into it at all if Heath Ledger wasn’t alive to see it, which is fair. But this movie doesn’t just feel like it ignores Joker – it feels like it erases him – which is a big shame.


Still – it’s not bad, and if you loved Dark Knight you will have to watch this…


…even if you don’t want to…

The Amazing Spider-Man

After the train wreck of Spider-Man 3, the powers that be decided it was time for a complete Spider-Man reboot. The vast majority of the audience asked the same question:

“Why?”

Regardless, here we are, The Amazing Spider-Man.

OK, you all know the story. Say it with me:

 “When bitten by a genetically modified spider, a nerdy, shy, and awkward high school student gains spider-like abilities that he eventually must use to fight evil as a superhero after tragedy befalls his family...”

...and straight away we have the biggest problems with this movie.

Firstly, it’s not clear who this movie is aimed at. Everyone who knows anything about Spider-Man knows spider bite + dead uncle = Spider-Man, but this movie really seems to drag it out anyway. It’s a Spider-Man movie that will at times make Spider-Man fans hit the snooze button, but there’s not much in it to attract a new audience either.

Secondly, they get the story wrong. I know, I know, Marvel has many universes, etc etc, but it still just feels... wrong...

Peter Parker isn’t  nerdy. He’s a teenage Bart Simpson, complete with skateboard. Sure, he gets bullied and he understands science stuff, but he still comes across a little like an idiot who has managed to get hold of an answer sheet.

Then we have the new secret agent conspiracy surrounding his parents. This is the big new hook, the whole purpose of a reboot, the story arch that will keep us glued to the trilogy... but who cares? Spider-Man should be about an ordinary kid, dealing with ordinary life while simultaneously realising that “With great power, comes great responsibility” (or the much less catchy paraphrasing of this used in this film). The parent conspiracy just takes away some of the purity of the character.

That said, it’s not that bad a movie. And it does explain the mystery of why Spider-Man always seems to have somewhere to swing on (save the child of a crane driver and you’re sorted for life).

But, as expected from a series that just didn’t need another origin movie, it feels pointless.

Avengers Assemble

Imagine, if you can, a world in which Michael Bay is not a cock. A world in which, instead of systematically destroying every childhood memory you hold dear, he actually tried to make a movie the audience would enjoy…
… yeah, I know, it’s far too hard to believe… let’s talk about superheroes, aliens and demi-Gods instead…

Avengers Assemble is arguably one of, if not the, best comic book movie ever made. It comfortably holds its own against the big boys of Dark Knight and First Class and is a must see for anyone with even the slightest interest in the genre. It is incredibly fun to watch, packed full of likable characters and has the Hulk pounding on Loki.

So far, so good. But what’s the catch?

Well, after thinking long and hard about it, I have decided that the worse thing about this movie is…

… its name!

Seriously? What idiot thought “Avengers Assemble” would be a better name than just “The Avengers”? And to change it only for the UK – who did we annoy over in the US?

The only other issue people unfamiliar with the Marvel Universe may have is a difficulty to follow who everyone is. Although the first Avengers Movie (if you don’t count “The First Avenger”) , this is actually the 6^th movie in the series (7^th if you count the other Hulk movie, but you really shouldn’t), with the other movies focusing on the main characters separately – so it’s easy to see how someone may get confused. But not to worry, as I provide here a handy guide to everything you need to know about all the main characters before you watch it:

Thor  - named after the 4^th day of the week, Thor is an alien with superhuman strength and a magic hammer… actually, if you’re planning to do any revision at all for this film, watching Thor would probably be the best one to go for. Of all the films, Thor is the most directly linked, as Avengers focuses on Thor’s brother Loki and his attempt to take over the world using tech from Thor’s home world. Also, Thor is a fun film to watch.

Iron Man – fun loving, alcoholic, billionaire, obnoxious genius who built himself an Iron suit so he can fly around saving the world. Star of two of the previous movies, both good, though the second one doesn’t really offer anything new.

Hulk – miserable bugger who really enjoys putting a downer on everything. His movies have been less successful, his actor and storyline keep changing and he has tried to kill himself. But on the plus side he turns into a very cute little green man who likes to smash stuff up when he’s angry.

Captain America – bit of an idiot, as you would expect from a walking, talking American flag. Got his super strength from some really good steroids back in the war, then was frozen for 70 years until modern day.

Nick Fury – head of secret service S.H.I.E.L.D, he’s the guy trying to pull together all the heroes into one team. But he’s about as trustworthy as, well, a spy and no one really likes him. He is cool though. And by cool I mean Samuel “mother – f*cking” L Jackson cool.

Agent Phil Coulson – works for Nick, but has the advantage of being seriously likable, thus making it much easier for him to get everyone to come together. Great guy.

Black Widow/Hawkeye – other Avengers – deemed not interesting enough to have their own movies, which is fair. Clearly plan to make baby Avengers together at some point in the future.

There. You are now ready to watch it. So why are you still here?

Enjoy.

P.S. If your name happens to be Michael Bay, please take a notebook and pen with you. I know its too late to prevent all the Transformers related deaths and suicides, but you still have time to put the Turtles right. Even if you don’t care about the fans, at least consider the fact that the opening weekend for Avengers is the best selling of all time. Just saying.

Beautiful Lies

The first impression of this movie is of a pretty little French film with a very pretty little Audrey Tautou playing a character called Emilie. And if that doesn’t remind you of the French classic Amelie, nothing will.

So far, so good.

One day, Emilie receives a romantic letter from co-worker Jean (don’t get excited, Jean is a guy’s name in France). However, as the letter is sent anonymously, Emilie bins it, assuming it to be from some crazy old customer.

A little later, Emilie realizes that her mother is very depressed about her love life, which will only be made worse when she finds out her father is planning to remarry. And so, Emilie innocently decides to pass on the love letter to her mother to cheer her up…

…obviously nothing could possibly go wrong. Until her mother gets upset that a second letter hasn’t been sent…

This film had all the ingredients to be a really nice film (i.e. Audrey Tautou), but as it progresses any trace of innocence is stripped away layer by layer. By the time we reach the end, the lies being told have nothing remotely “beautiful” about them. They’re just cruel and twisted.

First impressions can be deceiving.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Historically, Captain America was designed to be a walking, talking American flag. He was first released during the second world war as part of the propaganda campaign and his popularity quickly faded away with the war’s end. He soon disappeared from the comic book pages all together.

Decades later it was decided to try and bring him back, and they made up a story of him being frozen in ice to explain his absence.

The film captures his tale perfectly.

Our hero is a skinny little guy called Steve Rogers. He spends his days getting into fights with people a lot bigger than him and then letting them beat him to a pulp and dreams of joining the army, so the Germans can give him a proper thrashing. Unfortunately for him, the army keeps turning him down, no matter how much he begs, as he’s deemed physically unfit to serve.

In summary, he’s a bit of an idiot.

To cheer him up, his friend sets him up on a blind date. However, while he’s out with the girl he discovers he can’t take his mind off getting the shit kicked out of him, and ditches her for another try at joining the army.

…an idiot with a weird fetish...

Finally, after all his months of trying, he is accepted. By a German. Who plans to mutate him using a completely untested new drug.

Needless to say he jumps at the chance.

There’s a big debate in the movie as to why Steve was chosen, with the German saying it’s “because a weak man knows the value of strength, the value of power.”

Well, that’s one theory… and here’s some more likely ones:

1.       The German is being held against his will, and thus chooses the subject least likely to survive the process.

2.       The plan is to have an army of super soldiers. Why waste your best men on the first experiment, which will almost surely go horribly wrong?

3.       He won the prize for being the 1 millionth army applicant. Hurray!

Regardless, they pump him full of steroids and Captain America is born. Unfortunately, the German is assassinated along with any hope of creating any more super soldiers.

Still, one superhero is better than nothing, and they put him to good use, to do the thing he was originally created for.

They wrap him in an American flag and make him dance around as part of the propaganda campaign…

…and people think Batman is bad ass…

Rise of The Planet of The Apes

Despite the huge fan base, and labels such as “classic” and “masterpiece” regularly being thrown at it, I’ve never actually seen the original 1968 version of Planet of the Apes.

I’ve also never watched the 2001 remake, which apparently spat in the face of the original, ruining its good name.

Or Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (POTA), Beneath the POTA, Battle for the POTA, Behind the POTA … etc…

… hell, I haven’t even seen Planet of the Erotic Ape… yet…

None of that matters, as I’m happy to announce that Rise of the POTA, being both a prequel and a reboot, requires no real knowledge of any previous monkey business.

We open with Will, a well meaning genetic scientist, using monkeys to test his new drug that is designed to improve brain functions and ultimately cure Alzheimer’s disease and save his father’s life.

Ah crap. A scientist playing with genetics. Humanity’s screwed.

When one of the monkeys starts showing signs of hostility, the project is cancelled and all the monkeys are killed.

… all but one… a little baby monkey who no one could bring themselves to kill…

Ah crap. Letting one live. Humanity’s screwed.

Will takes the monkey home, calls him Caesar, and raises him as a son. Meanwhile, despite funding issues, he continues to work on his drug…

… you can guess the rest.

Super 8

Everyone loves a good mystery right? And this movie has a great one:

“Why is it called Super 8?”

We open to the news that our main character, a kid called Joe, has just had his mum killed horribly in a factory accident. She was so badly crushed that the other kids are standing around at the funeral wondering what it is they actually put in the coffin.

So it’s a light-hearted family movie then?

After the funeral, we see Joe’s dad, Mr Police-officer, having a serious looking argument with another guy, who he kicks out of his house and tells to never come back...
... hmmm... why...?

DON’T ASK! This mystery is not why you are here! It will distract you and disappoint you! Focus:
“Why is it called Super 8?”

So Joe and his friends, Fat Kid, Firestarter, Coward and Other Kid, are making a zombie movie, when Fat Kid (he’s the writer/director) decides what the movie needs is some love interest, so he invites Blond Girl to join them.
1,2,3,4,5,6... damn... why is it called Super 8?

Anyway, when filming one of the scenes for the zombie flick, the kids end up right next to a train explosion caused by some crazy guy driving his car directly at the train. Crazy Guy somehow manages to survive the collision and tells the kids to run.

Run and tell no one of what they saw.

Enter the big bad military people, cover ups, conspiracies and strange disappearings.

*SPOILERS*

Turns out, the monster is actually really nice and friendly – although he does eat people...

Oh, and if you haven’t figured it out yet, Super 8 is a type of camera that the kids use to make their film.