Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Captain America: The First Avenger

Historically, Captain America was designed to be a walking, talking American flag. He was first released during the second world war as part of the propaganda campaign and his popularity quickly faded away with the war’s end. He soon disappeared from the comic book pages all together.
Decades later it was decided to try and bring him back, and they made up a story of him being frozen in ice to explain his absence.

The film captures his tale perfectly.

Our hero is a skinny little guy called Steve Rogers. He spends his days getting into fights with people a lot bigger than him and then letting them beat him to a pulp and dreams of joining the army, so the Germans can give him a proper thrashing. Unfortunately for him, the army keeps turning him down, no matter how much he begs, as he’s deemed physically unfit to serve.

In summary, he’s a bit of an idiot.

To cheer him up, his friend sets him up on a blind date. However, while he’s out with the girl he discovers he can’t take his mind off getting the shit kicked out of him, and ditches her for another try at joining the army.

…an idiot with a weird fetish...

Finally, after all his months of trying, he is accepted. By a German. Who plans to mutate him using a completely untested new drug.

Needless to say he jumps at the chance.

There’s a big debate in the movie as to why Steve was chosen, with the German saying it’s “because a weak man knows the value of strength, the value of power.”

Well, that’s one theory… and here’s some more likely ones:

1.       The German is being held against his will, and thus chooses the subject least likely to survive the process.

2.       The plan is to have an army of super soldiers. Why waste your best men on the first experiment, which will almost surely go horribly wrong?

3.       He won the prize for being the 1 millionth army applicant. Hurray!

Regardless, they pump him full of steroids and Captain America is born. Unfortunately, the German is assassinated along with any hope of creating any more super soldiers.

Still, one superhero is better than nothing, and they put him to good use, to do the thing he was originally created for.

They wrap him in an American flag and make him dance around as part of the propaganda campaign…

…and people think Batman is bad ass…

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Rise of The Planet of The Apes

Despite the huge fan base, and labels such as “classic” and “masterpiece” regularly being thrown at it, I’ve never actually seen the original 1968 version of Planet of the Apes.

I’ve also never watched the 2001 remake, which apparently spat in the face of the original, ruining its good name.

Or Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (POTA), Beneath the POTA, Battle for the POTA, Behind the POTA … etc…

… hell, I haven’t even seen Planet of the Erotic Ape… yet…

None of that matters, as I’m happy to announce that Rise of the POTA, being both a prequel and a reboot, requires no real knowledge of any previous monkey business.

We open with Will, a well meaning genetic scientist, using monkeys to test his new drug that is designed to improve brain functions and ultimately cure Alzheimer’s disease and save his father’s life.

Ah crap. A scientist playing with genetics. Humanity’s screwed.

When one of the monkeys starts showing signs of hostility, the project is cancelled and all the monkeys are killed.

… all but one… a little baby monkey who no one could bring themselves to kill…

Ah crap. Letting one live. Humanity’s screwed.

Will takes the monkey home, calls him Caesar, and raises him as a son. Meanwhile, despite funding issues, he continues to work on his drug…

… you can guess the rest.