Beautiful Lies

The first impression of this movie is of a pretty little French film with a very pretty little Audrey Tautou playing a character called Emilie. And if that doesn’t remind you of the French classic Amelie, nothing will.

So far, so good.

One day, Emilie receives a romantic letter from co-worker Jean (don’t get excited, Jean is a guy’s name in France). However, as the letter is sent anonymously, Emilie bins it, assuming it to be from some crazy old customer.

A little later, Emilie realizes that her mother is very depressed about her love life, which will only be made worse when she finds out her father is planning to remarry. And so, Emilie innocently decides to pass on the love letter to her mother to cheer her up…

…obviously nothing could possibly go wrong. Until her mother gets upset that a second letter hasn’t been sent…

This film had all the ingredients to be a really nice film (i.e. Audrey Tautou), but as it progresses any trace of innocence is stripped away layer by layer. By the time we reach the end, the lies being told have nothing remotely “beautiful” about them. They’re just cruel and twisted.

First impressions can be deceiving.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Historically, Captain America was designed to be a walking, talking American flag. He was first released during the second world war as part of the propaganda campaign and his popularity quickly faded away with the war’s end. He soon disappeared from the comic book pages all together.

Decades later it was decided to try and bring him back, and they made up a story of him being frozen in ice to explain his absence.

The film captures his tale perfectly.

Our hero is a skinny little guy called Steve Rogers. He spends his days getting into fights with people a lot bigger than him and then letting them beat him to a pulp and dreams of joining the army, so the Germans can give him a proper thrashing. Unfortunately for him, the army keeps turning him down, no matter how much he begs, as he’s deemed physically unfit to serve.

In summary, he’s a bit of an idiot.

To cheer him up, his friend sets him up on a blind date. However, while he’s out with the girl he discovers he can’t take his mind off getting the shit kicked out of him, and ditches her for another try at joining the army.

…an idiot with a weird fetish...

Finally, after all his months of trying, he is accepted. By a German. Who plans to mutate him using a completely untested new drug.

Needless to say he jumps at the chance.

There’s a big debate in the movie as to why Steve was chosen, with the German saying it’s “because a weak man knows the value of strength, the value of power.”

Well, that’s one theory… and here’s some more likely ones:

1.       The German is being held against his will, and thus chooses the subject least likely to survive the process.

2.       The plan is to have an army of super soldiers. Why waste your best men on the first experiment, which will almost surely go horribly wrong?

3.       He won the prize for being the 1 millionth army applicant. Hurray!

Regardless, they pump him full of steroids and Captain America is born. Unfortunately, the German is assassinated along with any hope of creating any more super soldiers.

Still, one superhero is better than nothing, and they put him to good use, to do the thing he was originally created for.

They wrap him in an American flag and make him dance around as part of the propaganda campaign…

…and people think Batman is bad ass…

Rise of The Planet of The Apes

Despite the huge fan base, and labels such as “classic” and “masterpiece” regularly being thrown at it, I’ve never actually seen the original 1968 version of Planet of the Apes.

I’ve also never watched the 2001 remake, which apparently spat in the face of the original, ruining its good name.

Or Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (POTA), Beneath the POTA, Battle for the POTA, Behind the POTA … etc…

… hell, I haven’t even seen Planet of the Erotic Ape… yet…

None of that matters, as I’m happy to announce that Rise of the POTA, being both a prequel and a reboot, requires no real knowledge of any previous monkey business.

We open with Will, a well meaning genetic scientist, using monkeys to test his new drug that is designed to improve brain functions and ultimately cure Alzheimer’s disease and save his father’s life.

Ah crap. A scientist playing with genetics. Humanity’s screwed.

When one of the monkeys starts showing signs of hostility, the project is cancelled and all the monkeys are killed.

… all but one… a little baby monkey who no one could bring themselves to kill…

Ah crap. Letting one live. Humanity’s screwed.

Will takes the monkey home, calls him Caesar, and raises him as a son. Meanwhile, despite funding issues, he continues to work on his drug…

… you can guess the rest.

Super 8

Everyone loves a good mystery right? And this movie has a great one:

“Why is it called Super 8?”

We open to the news that our main character, a kid called Joe, has just had his mum killed horribly in a factory accident. She was so badly crushed that the other kids are standing around at the funeral wondering what it is they actually put in the coffin.

So it’s a light-hearted family movie then?

After the funeral, we see Joe’s dad, Mr Police-officer, having a serious looking argument with another guy, who he kicks out of his house and tells to never come back...
... hmmm... why...?

DON’T ASK! This mystery is not why you are here! It will distract you and disappoint you! Focus:
“Why is it called Super 8?”

So Joe and his friends, Fat Kid, Firestarter, Coward and Other Kid, are making a zombie movie, when Fat Kid (he’s the writer/director) decides what the movie needs is some love interest, so he invites Blond Girl to join them.
1,2,3,4,5,6... damn... why is it called Super 8?

Anyway, when filming one of the scenes for the zombie flick, the kids end up right next to a train explosion caused by some crazy guy driving his car directly at the train. Crazy Guy somehow manages to survive the collision and tells the kids to run.

Run and tell no one of what they saw.

Enter the big bad military people, cover ups, conspiracies and strange disappearings.

*SPOILERS*

Turns out, the monster is actually really nice and friendly – although he does eat people...

Oh, and if you haven’t figured it out yet, Super 8 is a type of camera that the kids use to make their film.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

After the unbelievable dullness that was part 1, I was more than a little bit tempted to give this one a miss.

But then, having sold 15 million copies of the book in just the first 24 hours of its release, there surely must be something interesting in it and since none of that was in the first part...

*Spoilers*

We open to Harry and co deciding that they need to break into an evil witch’s treasure fault where they will no doubt find another of the horcrux.

If, like many other people, you slept through most of the first part, I should remind you that only by destroying all the horcruxes can they then kill the big bad Voldemort, but the horcruxes could be anywhere and could look like anything. You might think this would make matters difficult, but they tend to be in the very first place anyone decides to look for them, which is handy.

Now, in order to get into Witch’s secret chamber they need the help of a goblin, and thus bribe him with the Sword of Gryffindor...

...why?

The goblin does fudge all to get them in. The whole scene can be added to the pile of pointless that the first part started to build up.

They sneak in, the goblin betrays them, takes the sword, then moments later Voldemort has killed him and the sword disappears and goes back to the good guys. Admittedly not straight back to Harry, but close enough to make the whole thing pointless.

Oh, and obviously the horcrux was exactly where they thought it would be and another one bites the dust.

With the movie being over two hours in length, I won’t go through it scene by scene, but I have to point out one more pet peeve.

WHY DOESN’T HARRY DIE?!?!?!

Too harsh? Maybe, but they’ve clearly been building up to the fact that the only way to kill Voldemort would be for Harry’s death since the first film, and they explicitly state it in this film, so why doesn’t he bloody die?

Harry is not an interesting character, he is not the best wizard, his only claim to fame was that he would have to die. What went wrong?

I know, I know, it’s a kids film, but seriously, of the 15 million people who bought the book in the first 24 hours, I would wager about 14,999,972 were over the age of 12.

Harry should die.

Beginners

This is a beautiful film.

This is everything Tree of Life wished it could be and more.

The film focuses on Oliver (Ewan McGregor), a 38 year old graphic artist. Oliver’s mother died when he was 33, 6 months later his father announced he was gay and 4 years after that his father died. He is left alone, with only his father’s dog, Arthur, as a companion. Until he meets Anna.
And that’s pretty much the whole film from start to finish.

Now, you’re probably wondering where the *Spoilers* warning disappeared to, but everything I just said is described in the first 5 minutes of the film. The beauty of this film is not in the story development, but in the character development.

Of the 26 movies I’ve seen in the cinema over the past year, at least half of them have struggled to find even one really likable character.
This movie has found them all. Especially the dog, Arthur.

Oliver: “Look, it’s lonely out here, so, you better learn how to talk with me.”
Subtitles under Arthur: *While I understand up to 150 words – I don’t talk.*

Arthur is fantastic, this film is great and you need to watch it.

*Are we married yet?*

This is a beautiful film.

The Tree of Life

This is a strange film.

We open to Mrs O’Brien receiving a letter that her son has died. She’s, understandably, upset. Her husband is upset. One of her other son’s is upset.
They all do narration to show they’re upset while the film shows some “artistic” images.

Then we reach the strange part.

The narration stops, any images regarding the family stop and the film starts showing a kaleidoscope of weird images.

A close up of the Sun, looking like something you would get on a screensaver
...planets... water...
... wtf?...
... sealife ... dinosaurs ... huh?...

This goes on a while. At least 10 solid minutes of random images, without explanation. It’s around this time that people started to give up and walk out of the cinema. I couldn’t blame them. It’s long enough to make you wonder if this is how the rest of the film is going to be, a series of random images, and boring enough to make that thought scare you away.

Then, just as suddenly as the randomness started, it goes away. That’s not to say the whole film isn’t desperately still trying to be “artistic” in every scene, but a story line comes back.

It’s the story of the family growing up, the mum, dad and three boys.

But after the mind rape of those 10 minutes it takes along time to get back into, and by the time you do it’s too little too late. The movie feels forced and drags out far too long.

Then we finish with some more random scenes – this time the equivalent of the “bow” at the end of a stage performance, with every actor in the film randomly walking around on a random beach.

Obviously fans of the film will call me an idiot. Tell me I didn’t “get it”. It’s “art”.

Yes, it’s weird enough so that it can be interpreted in various ways, cause debates about the “true” meanings, etc, but it’s a fine line between genius and insanity and I fear this film is often on the wrong side of that line.

This is a strange film.

Transformers 3

The nights are the worst.

I still wake up screaming in a cold sweat.

“NOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

How could they?!? How could they make Megatron kneel to some old bloke and call him master?

MEGATRON?!?

This is the guy who, when left for dead in the depts of space, said “I belong to nobody!” to an evil transforming planet who was offering him his only chance of survival.

It still hurts.
… particularly when Jean slaps me for waking her up again…

…anyway, could Transformers 3 succeed in its attempt to put right what once went wrong and finally give the Transformers the respect they deserve?

“NOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

I HATE Michael Bay.

This movie systematically goes through every little detail fans of the original cartoon would have grown to love and sh*ts on them one by one. I could write a book on how many things Bay has got completely wrong, but let me just summarise by saying:

If you grew up with the cartoons this film is NOT for you.

So, how about for the non-fans?

Yeah, the film still has very little to offer. Most characters are underdeveloped and/or annoying and the plot twists don’t make any sense.
It’s got lots of explosions though, if that’s your thing.

I hate Michael Bay.

Larry Crowne

Written by, directed by and starring Tom Hanks, Larry Crowne is a film that shows if you’re a major Hollywood Movie Star you can do whatever you want, even create a film for the sole purpose of kissing Julia Roberts.

We open with our hero, Larry, being called into an office at the supermarket where he works and being fired by a bunch of idiots laughing at him for not going to university. To add to the brutality, he has at some point in the painfully recent past just been through a divorce and is already struggling to pay off a mortgage.

But all is not lost.

He decides to go to college and make the best of a bad time, where, of cause, he is taught by Julia Roberts.

It’s not one of Tom’s finer moments. For a romantic comedy, it falls a little short on just two aspects: the romance and the comedy.

It’s a harmless enough film, but the story drags at times and really the only thing it has going for it is Tom Hanks.

Green Lantern

When an ancient evil awakens and kills our local intergalactical protector, Hal Jordan is chosen to replace him as the new Green Lantern and must stop this evil before it destroys our world.

THIS MOVIE GIVES ALL OTHER COMIC BOOK MOVIES A BAD NAME!

Having never read any Green Lantern comics, or seen him in any other media before, I have no idea if it’s true to the comics. Either way, it sucks.

OK, so there are 3600 odd Green Lanterns, who each protect 1/3600 of the universe. Each has a magic ring which allows him to create anything he can imagine. The ring is charged by a lantern, which in turn is charged by the central core, which is charged by the will power of everyone in the universe.

That’s stupid.

Yes, lots of comic book characters have stupid origins, most to do with the magical properties of “radiation,” but still, he gets his abilities from will power? Really?

It gets worse.

The big bad is charged by fear. However, fear turns out to be a less stable form of energy, which is why he goes insane and decides to destroy the universe.

I could go on to describe the long list of plot holes in the film, but when the basic concept is so stupid do I need to say more?

That said, I did like the remake of Superman’s balcony scene.

Bad Teacher

The film starts with Elizabeth Halsey, the Bad Teacher, quitting the profession after finishing her 1st year to get married and live happily ever after.

Short film.

Unfortunately things don’t quite go to plan, as the pesky mother-in-law-to-be stops the wedding, just because Lizy has no interest in her fiancé other than his wallet.

Very bad.

Not because Lizy deserved to live happily ever after, far, far from it. No, this is awful because it means another class of school kids must now suffer a year of Elizabeth.

The plot then focuses on Lizy trying to raise enough money to raise enough cup sizes to raise enough interest in a man wealthy enough to raise her, while obviously being an awful teacher.

It’s not a dreadful film, but it does suffer from what appears to be an increasingly common illness in films latterly:
No Likable Characters Syndrome

Obviously, from the title, Elizabeth was set to be a bit of a waste of space, but did they really have to try to make every other character even less likable just to get us on her side?

In summary : ...bleh?

X Men First Class

Honestly, the title says pretty much everything you need to know. This is, quite simply, a first class X Men movie.

It was the best X I’ve ever had. It rocks. (It’s still cool to say “rocks” right? Good, good)

The original idea of the film was to be “X-Men Origins: Magneto,” and the final product didn’t stray too far from that. Sure, there’s a little bit on Prof X and the creation of the X-Men concept, but Magneto is pure class and easily steals the limelight.

We open with the scene from the first X movie, with Magneto in the concentration camp, ripping apart a metal gate to get to his mum. Only this time we get to see what happens next...
...Magneto is taken into a room and introduced to the villain of the film: Sebastian Shaw!

...yeah, I had no idea who he was either, don’t feel bad.

Anyway, Sebastian is very interested in seeing more of Magneto’s powers. Unfortunately, Mini-Mag can’t control his powers yet and Sebastian is unimpressed. To help Magneto focus, Sebastian points a gun at his mum...

...then pulls the trigger.

And so we have the setting of our tale: Magneto’s quest for vengeance.

It rocks!

Some other stuff happens to, nuclear war, end of humanity, etc. We also see a little of Prof X’s kiddiehood. Turns out he was a bit of a jerk. Same goes for Beast. But don’t worry, none of that gets in Magneto’s way.

Did I mention it rocks?

Pirates of the Caribbean 4

If you haven’t watched the first three Pirates of the Caribbean... don’t. Although the first film was fun, the second started losing it and the third? To quote myself:

“Why?... Why?... Why?”

With the focus on an unbelievably (literally, it didn’t make any sense) annoying yo-yo relationship between boring characters Will and Elizabeth set to a pointlessly confusing background story, P of the C 3 hurt.

But let’s not linger on old, painful memories. The past exists for us to learn from our mistakes and improve our future.

Has Pirates 4 done that?
Kinda.

Will and Elizabeth are not mentioned, at all, so immediately a step in the right direction, there are a lot less places to ask “Why?” and the focus is now almost exclusively on Jack, a very big step in the right direction.

Depp is sexy.

If you liked the first film, and are lucky enough to have forgotten the other two, it’s definitely worth a watch.

... huh... I did a whole review without even one spoiler...

First time for everything I guess.

P.S. Jack dies.

Fast Five

Having not seen any of the first four Fast and Furious films, it’s possible that I didn’t really care about anyone in this film as much I was suppose to...

...unless I wasn’t suppose to care about anyone at all.

That said, it’s not a bad little time filler. It’s got pretty cars, train robberies, bank robberies, guns, car chases and two big guys, who are both too manly to admit they’re in love, pounding on each other.

What more do you want from an action film?

Thor

Once upon a time, the Ice Giants came to Earth to freeze everything and kill lots of people. Why? Erm, they’re evil?

Anyway, along came Odin, King of the Asgards. He kicked Ice Butt, and stole their power source, leaving them a shadow of their former glory and bringing peace back to the universe.

Skip ahead a few thousand years, Odin is about to hand over his crown to his eldest son, Thor, when the Icicles decide to strike. They fail, painfully, but disrupt Thor’s coronation. Thor gets a little annoyed and decides to go kick Ice Butt, like his dad did in the good old days. Odin tells him to drop it, as he has no intention of repeating that war.

Thor, like an obedient little son, goes to start a war. Needless to say, Odin is a bit miffed when he finds out, and does what any father would do if they’re superhuman son tried to start a war with a bunch of Ice Lolies: Strips him of his powers, banishes him to Earth, and enchants his hammer so that whoever manages to lift it, if he be worthy, would have Thor’s powers.

And so begins Thor’s quest to prove himself worthy of being himself...

... unfortunately a sweet little innocent 6 year old girl gets to it first, and Thor spends the rest of his days as a mere mortal. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Thor is a great film. It’s got humour, action, superheroes and a decent simple story. EVERYTHING works, it’s definitely worth watching.
... now that’s out of the way, here’s a list of things that didn’t work:

*SPOILERS*

Odin’s parenting style: OK, Odin generally seems like a pretty intelligent and respectable guy, and he has had thousands and thousands of years of experience, so how the heck did he think it would be a good idea to effectively pit his sons, princes of the most powerful kingdom in the universe, against each other.

"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings."
Let’s face it, to a kid, that would translate to:
"Fight, fight for your father’s affection. I will give the throne to my favorite."

Thor’s stupidity: ... not sure I have much to add... Thor’s an idiot. Seriously, he’s from the most advanced civilisation in the universe and he thinks it’s appropriate to smash his cup to ask for more drink? What kind of highly sophisticated society would go around smashing dishes after every meal... apart from the Greeks... hmmm... never mind.

No one shooting Thor: I’m sorry, but why? Why? Why do they just let Thor walk into a military base, beat everyone up, then just let him leave? Why?!?! Shoot him!!! Why are you not shooting him!?!? You’re suppose to be American!!! Bush would never have let this happen. When Bush was in charge they were blowing the sh*t outa alien Keanu Reaves who came in peace...

Seriously though, it’s a really nice film.
Go watch.

Kung Fu Panda 2

For those who haven’t seen the first Kung Fu Panda Movie: Go watch it! What’s wrong with you?!?! Freak.

By which, I mean, Kung Fu Panda told the story of Po, an overweight lazy son of a noodle shop owner, who spent all day fantasizing about being a Kung Fu master. As fate would have it, he is accidently pointed at by the great Master Oogway as being the Dragon Warrior. Master Oogway, however, doesn’t believe in accidents, and so the Panda’s training begins.

"Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes."

The second movie starts up where the first movie left off, with Po living with the Furious Five and Master Shifu, eating a lot and helping keep the locals safe from danger. We then discover a shocking truth:

*Major Spoiler*
Po is adopted!!!! Mr Ping, the Goose who owns the Noodle and Tofu restaurant (that’s right, he makes Tofu now! Living the dream) is not his real father!!!

Po then goes on a quest to find inner peace, discover his origins and stop the big bad Lord Shen from conquering China.

Is it a good film? Yes.
Is it as good as the first? No.

Unlike the first film, the second is in a tricky position when it comes to Po. They clearly don’t want to lose the humour they had around him being the fat lazy accidental hero, but they can’t ignore the fact that he basically finished the first film as a Kung Fu Master. As such, they kind of blend the two, making Po’s silly moments feel more forced. Also, a lot of the jokes in the second film are either taken from or extensions of jokes from the first.

Still, if you liked the first, it’s a good film and worth a watch.

Arthur

A modern day remake of the 1981 film by the same name, Arthur tells the tale of the poor little rich kid, who is given an ultimatum by his cold-hearted mother. Marry a girl he doesn’t love or lose all his wealth. Oh, and just to add to the pressure, he conveniently bumps into another girl, the girl of his dreams, at the same time.

Oh what to do?

Well, first you should probably get a builder in, to fix up some of the massive plot holes.

Arthur’s relationships with just about every other character make no sense.

His mum – successful business lady who takes no sh*t.
Why would she wait so long to sort Arthur out? Why wouldn’t she cut off his money years ago? Why would she think marriage would be the answer to all her issues with him? Wouldn’t something like “Give up drink or the money” have made a lot more sense?

His nanny – kind hearted, sensible, wants Arthur to turn out well.
How the hell did she raise him so wrong? She’s basically been his mum since he was a baby, so what the hell went wrong? And why wasn’t she fired years and years ago when Arthur clearly showed he was out of control?

His driver – idiot.
Nuff said? You’re a multi-billionaire, do you really hire an idiot to look after your only heir?

His wife to be – daughter of a self-made millionaire.
Why would she want to marry Arthur? Money, yes, but the film suggests she’s more interested in his name. What name? The only reputation he has is as a drunk who sleeps with anything that moves. Also, why does Arthur reject her so much? He sleeps with anything that moves. Just seems like a big change from that to the guy who’s holding out for his true love to come along.

Arthur – likable little billionaire puppy.
. . . but he’s not really likable. He’s in a position where he could do great things, but just pisses it all away. That’s kinda annoying.

That said, Arthur’s not really that bad a film. It does have some funny lines and amusing scenes.

But, like Arthur, it could have been more.

Smallville Finale

Warning: *Spoilers*
*Major Spoilers.*
With the wedding of Lois and Clark, Darkseid and his apocalypse, Clark’s final transformation into Superman and, most importantly, the return of Lex, as well as any other loose ends the show felt like tying up, the Smallville Finale had its work cut out to squeeze it all in, even with the longer run time of 83 minutes.

OK, so we start with the wedding. Good choice, get that out the way.

Lois is doubting if she should marry Clark. She loves him, but feels she, a mere mortal, will be getting in his way. Clark tells her she’s being silly. Fairly pointless scenes since I don’t think anyone watching will have any doubts that they’ll finish up together. This is Superman and Lois Lane FFS.

After a few more fairly pointless scenes we move on to...
...Clark having doubts about Lois… wait… what? Really? We’re still on this?

10 min in – Lois and Clark
20 min in – Lois and Clark
30 min in – Lois and Clark

Smallville, you absolute twats, don’t do this. Where the hell is Lex?!? What are you doing with Darkseid? Why aren’t you focusing on the bloody birth of Superman!?! That’s what this show, all 10 seasons of it, was suppose to have been made for!

35 min in – Oliver turns bad boy, OK, it starts.
37 min in – Clark says, “Don’t be bad, mkay?” Oliver replies, “Yeah, fair enough, sorry about that.”

We have our first anti-climax people. Smallville – keeping it real – giving the fans what they clearly keep coming back for.
Then we have another 10 min of pointless waffle.

45 min in – we finally get a mention of Lex!!!! Turns out, Lex had almost completed a perfect clone – none of this aging crap, no worries about Clark DNA, just pure, unadulterated Lex. Its missing only one part – the heart (obviously). Seriously, what’s so hard about getting a fake heart for someone with Lex’s tech skills?

Anyway, Lionel decides Tess would be a good place to find a heart, Tess disagrees, they have a bit of an argument and it ends with Lionel selling his soul to Darkseid for Lex’s return.

50 min in – Lex opens his eyes!!!

This should be a great moment, but its spoilt by one fairly major fact – there’s only 33 min left and we’ve gotten nowhere. Well, that and the fact that the equipment he’s in is trying to remind people of how they killed Lex. Why would you want people to remember that? It sucked. Big time.

Despite everyone telling Clark that since the world is about to be destroyed it might be a good time to go see Jor-El and get help, he still hasn’t bothered, nothing really happening with Darkseid, other than a big planet about to hit the Earth and Lex has only 33 min to turn it all around.
You would think another planet about to hit Earth would be a bigger deal. You would think, with how close it looks in some of the scenes, it might mess things up a little bit more. You would be wrong.

55 – 60 min – Lex’s first real scene. It’s a nice scene, although, unfortunately, he tells us exactly what we didn’t really want to hear, but with only 23 min left we knew was coming: “Hi Clark, don’t mind me, I’m only here for the epilogue.”

61 min in – anti-climax number 2 – Oliver takes out Granny and the other 2 of Darkseid’s elite with a single shot. All 3, one shot, no fight. That was easy.

65 min in – Clark is FINALLY thinking about, possibly going to see Jor-El, when Darkseid appears in the zombified form of Lionel – with a stupid voice.

68 min in – after 3 min of flashbacks – Clark can fly!! Whoo!
69 min in – anti-climax the third – Darkseid is dead in a single blow.
And so, of cause, is Lionel. True, Lionel was pretty dead already, but it would have been nice if Clark could have hesitated for even a second to consider if Lionel could be saved. I mean this is basically the very first moment as Superman. His very first act is to kill Lionel without a hint of hesitation? Superman? Kill? No regrets?

Fudge it, there’s only 13 min left, lets wrap thing up. Clark puts on his cape, rescues Lois in a plane (obviously), then throws the planet that was about to hit Earth away and everyone is happy again. Anti-climax 4? I’m losing count.

Cut to seven years later – all is well, and Lois and Clark are about to get married… what? Why the hell would that take another 7 years?
If they still had the option of another 7 seasons they would really want to fill it all with Lois and Clark huh?

Well then, I guess this is a good time for it to end.

Goodbye Smallville.

R.I.P.

Your Highness

The tale of two princes, Fabious and Thadeous, one dashing and brave, the other… Thadeous. When Fabious’ fiancée is taken by an evil wizard, the brother’s must work together to rescue her.

Admittedly, Your Highness has not done well with the critics, be they professional critics or internet nut jobs. Seriously, what kind of idiot writes random film reviews for no money that almost no one will ever read? Freaks.

It is almost universally agreed that Your Highness is a bad film. And in truth, it’s pretty easy to see why. It’s stupid, pointless and predictable, the humour is incredibly crude and a lot of the jokes are given away in the trailer.

If you’re easily offended, this will offend you. If you watch offensive comedy all the time, this may well bore you. It’s difficult to see who the target audience really was.

But, in the words of Thadeous himself, “Fuck that.”

I found it hilarious.

True, they did milk the sex jokes and the word “fuck”, but it still managed to be incredibly easy to watch, with a lot of likable characters who all had clear, understandable motives.

And a lot of very funny moments.

Just try to remember not to take it seriously.

Source Code

Colter Stevens wakes up on a train across from a woman he doesn't recognise, heading to an unknown location with no memory of how he got there. Last thing he remembers he was flying a helicopter in Afghanistan.

...man, how much did he drink last night...?

Unfortunately he doesn't get much time to figure stuff out as 8 minutes later the train explodes and he dies a horrible death.

... which isn't good for a hangover.

The End. Short film.

No, of cause not. Colter wakes up again, in some kind of pod, still no memory of how he got there. A woman called Goodwin appears on a TV screen and tells him he's reliving the last 8 minutes of some other guy's life and he needs to keep reliving it until he can find the bomber to prevent any further explosions.

And with that he wakes up on the train again...

OK, lets get the obvious out of the way. The science in this film is shakey at best. It doesn't really apply any real kind of logic and the ending in particular doesn't even follow the shakey non-science that the movie has set up. If your easily bugged by this kind of thing...

...get a life?

That out of the way, Source Code is a very entertaining film with likable main characters and plenty of explosions...

...or at least one explosion that it shows plenty of times...

In fact, Source Code is so good that one legendary film critic recently said of it:

"‎'Source Code' is probably the best film I've seen so far this year, I think."
-H. Wilks

Admitedly he probably hasn't seen King's Speech.

Limitless

Eddie is a writer who hasn't written anything and spends most of his time and money on drink. a.k.a a bum.

But all that is about to change when he runs into his ex-bro-in-law who offers him a drug called NZT. Not a very catchy name, admitedly, but it packs a pretty punch.

NZT enables the user to "access 100% of their brain" - i.e. it makes you pretty damn smart.

Now, before we go any further, let me make one thing perfectly clear:

"Drugs are bad, m'kay."

That said, if I were to ever be tempted by a drug (never have, never will), NZT would definately tick all the right boxes.

NZT takes a worthless bum like Eddie and turns him into someone so smart he can predict the stock market. Imagine what it would do to an Actuary with a PhD in statistics...

...anyway, back to the film...

After finally finishing off the book he never started, Eddie turns his new NZT powers to something really useful...

...driving around in fast cars, having sex and jumping into lakes...

...wait, what?

OK, even on NZT, Eddie is pretty easily distracted. Eventually though, he does realise that he may be able to set his sights a little higher and, hey presto, he starts predicting the stock market (for the record, not possible) and making his mega bucks.

But as his stash of NZT starts to run lower, he finally starts to investigate more about this weird little wonder drug...

...and discovers all other users are now either dead or dying...

Its a decent film, with enough going on throughout to keep the viewer entertained and worth a watch. Like with alot of films though, it does suffer from a major lack of common sense, with alot of things that are fairly obvious to the viewer still being completely missed by a character who is suppose to be bloody smart enough to predict the friggan stock market.

As a simple example, why would it take so bloody long to think... "hmmm... maybe I should try and figure out what this drug I've become completely dependent on actually is, whether or not its dangerous and what I should do when I start to run out..."

But still, decent film.

Hall Pass

WARNING: DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s take a look at the painful experience that is Hall Pass.

Two couples, Rick and Maggie and Fred and Grace, are going through some though times. Maggie and Grace are upset because Rick and Fred are obsessed with sex, constantly looking at other girls and making dirty jokes. Rick and Fred are upset because Maggie and Grace have lost all sexual interest towards them, pretending to be asleep whenever an opportunity for sex occurs.

What’s that? Two couples on the verge of divorce? What a great idea for a comedy!

Taking advice from a friend, the wives decide to give the husbands “Hall Passes,” a week off from marriage for them to do whatever they want, get it all out their systems, then come back to have a stronger relationship.

OK, with emotionally painful back stories in place it’s finally time to bring on the comedy.

Shit.

That’s about as far as it gets for comedy. Oh, that and showing some penises. Talking about and showing shit and penises. They don’t even try to work it into the story, they’re just there for no real reason other than “shit and penises are funny.”

OK, done with the comedy, let’s get back to the emotional torture.

So it turns out that the wives decide that they should also be allowed to do whatever they want. Unlike their male counterparts, however, having random sex is pretty easy for a girl, so you can dismiss any more “hilarious” failed attempts. Instead they just sit there, guys approach them and they have to make the “hilarious” decision of whether or not they want to have an affair.

This film has nothing going for it.

It’s not funny. It’s not romantic. It will not leave you with a warm fuzzy feeling. At no point does it trigger any positive emotions at all.

In summary:

DON’T WATCH!

Unknown

Dr Martin Harris and his wife Gina are on a trip to Berlin to attend a conference. On arrival at the hotel, however, Martin suddenly realises he’s left an important briefcase back at the airport. He jumps in the next taxi that comes along to head back to the airport, but ends up in the river with a nasty bump on his head.

He wakes up several days later to discover that his wife no longer recognises him and that he has been replaced by another Dr Martin Harris, who seems to know as much detail about his life as he does.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

Things go from bad to worse as, to add to his woes, the Doc soon finds he’s being chased by some rather fickle assassins, who kill some people will quick and brutal efficiency but decide randomly to take a much slower approach with others.

Of cause, the Doc manages to hold his own (don’t mess with PhDs) and begins his quest to figure out just what the hell is going on.

Without spoiling anything, the ending isn’t anything jaw-droppingly amazing but it’s good enough to not ruin the movie e.g. it’s not all just a dream...

...stupid Legend of the Four Kings...

Smallville (2001 - 2011)

After 10 seasons and over 200 episodes, Smallville, the story of a young Clark Kent on his path to become the legendary Superman, is finally coming to an end...

... not counting any potential spin-offs, movies, specials etc that they may use to milk it a bit more...

As such, it is time to look back over the good, the bad and the ugly that was Smallville.

The Good: Lex Luthor.

Lex, the multi-millionaire genius with little in the way of either morals or hair, has generally not been well represented whenever Superman tried to leap from comics to live-action. Gene Hackman’s Lex in the original Superman movies was, unfortunately, an idiot who relied on idiots to get anything done and Kevin Spacey’s Lex followed suit, while John Shea’s Lex in The New Adventures of Superman was just a… well the less said the better.

And then came Michael Rosenbaum. Hell yeah. Smallville’s Lex Luthor, as well as being sex on legs, was just perfectly pitched. Everything worked. From his early beginnings, struggling to fight against his father’s evil influence, to his full fledged bastardhood, killing his father, destroying the fortress of solitude and bringing Superman to his knees, Lex hit the spot time and time again.

Thank you Smallville, for putting right what once went wrong.


The bad: The Chefing of Lex and lazy writing.

Smallville, you absolute f***kers!!!

How the hell could you Chef Lex?!?!?!

Side note: To “Chef” a character is to bring a character back for a limited time after the actor(ess) who plays that character has left the show, for the sole purpose of destroying that character in as crappy a method as possible as a final “f*ck you” to the actor(ess) who abandoned ship. Originates from South Park’s treatment of the character Chef.

Seriously, was it any wonder you had such a hard time getting Michael back for the finale? You turned Lex into a burned up zombie (despite no signs of a fire when Michael was last seen or anything like it happening to the humanised Clark) and made his last action the petty act of breaking up Clark from his girlfriend before blowing him up? Worse still, you didn’t even try to finish the storyline that Michael had been part of.

Lex has Clark on his knees and the fortress of solitude is collapsing all around them. What happens next?

...seriously, what happens?!?

Which brings us nicely to the other bad thing about Smallville: the incredibly lazy writing techniques used.

"OK guys, we’ve built up Doomsday for an entire season, how do we finish him off?”

"Drop him down a hole?”

"Done. Let’s go to the pub.”



The Ugly: Clark Kent

Smalville’s Clark Kent is, without doubt, an absolute git.

First of all, we have the basic Clark Kent formula of making it completely obvious to everyone around him that he “has a secret” then making them feel like complete dicks when they want to know what it is.

"I have a secret.”

"Oh, what is it?”

"I can not believe you would ask me that! I thought we were friends! Why can’t you just respect the fact that I need my privacy! I hate you!”

He milks this issue to the extreme with Lex, which contributes quite a lot to pushing Lex over the edge and into the dark side. Even when Lex straight out tells him that he knows his secret he’s still determined to cover it up.

"I can’t believe you would show me hard scientific evidence that you know I saved your life with superhuman abilities! I’m not superhuman! If you were my friend you would believe me when I’m clearly lying to you! I hate you!”

But 10 seasons of guilt tripping everyone around him is by no means the worse of Clark’s crimes. There are lots, lots more. The top 5 being:

5. Ditching Chloe to go and find himself... just after her husband was brutally murdered in front of her.

4. Running away after his mum has a miscarriage - dude, your parents are in tears, you try to help matters by running away from home?

3. Voluntarily using red Kryptonite - doesn’t matter if your upset, this stuff makes you potentially able to kill people.

2. Not helping Lex when his dad frames him for insanity and starts frying his brain, until AFTER Lex has forgotten he has superpowers.

1. Not saving a bunch of orphans from Granny Goodness - he just saves himself and runs away after he finds they have Kryptonite weapons. He NEVER goes back for the kids! Seriously? Dude.


And with that, there’s nothing left to do but grab some pop-corn and snuggle in for the final few episodes, including the joyous return of the mighty Lex...

... and the almost certain let down that will follow.

No Strings Attached

Adam is going through a bit of a bad time. He’s broke up with his girlfriend and finding it difficult to move on.

The situation is made worse when, several weeks after the break up, he bumps into his ex....

... in his dad’s house...

Well, at least he has a new mum now.

Needless to say, being a guy, his default reaction is to go out, get drunk and try to sleep with anything that moves...

... which is when he “bumps into” Emma and they start the “No Strings Attached” relationship that gives the movie it’s title.

The film is fairly predicable from this point on and obviously, as with 99% of all such movie relationships, the two end up hopelessly in love with each other. The only slight twist is that, for once, its actually the guy who gets feelings first.

That’s right. Guys have feelings. You heard it here first. (Please reference this article if you ever use this fact.)

Of cause, in reality 99% of these “no strings attached” relationships do not end with wedding bells...

... they usually end with a check up at a clinic.

The Tourist

2 years ago, Alex Pierce stole over $2bn from a gangster and, understandably, disappeared ASAP. Since then, the police have been following his lover around in the hope that he will eventually come back for her.

Sure enough, 2 years on, she finally receives a letter from him. It tells her to take a certain train and chose someone at random of his general height and build and make the police believe it's him.

With a story like this they could have gone in several directions: Action, Romance, Comedy, Police or Gangster spring easily to mind. So what did they choose?

...none.

The romance is cheesy and unbelievable, the comedy is few and far between, the police are incompetent assholes, the gangsters are pointless and the action is dull.

Very dull.

In fact, during a recent experiment it was discovered that approximately 67% of people who watch The Tourist fall asleep at least once during the movie (based on a sample size of three people).

That said, if you’re desperate to see a film and your local cinema is only showing this or Harry Potter...

...move house.