When an ancient evil awakens and kills our local intergalactical protector, Hal Jordan is chosen to replace him as the new Green Lantern and must stop this evil before it destroys our world.
THIS MOVIE GIVES ALL OTHER COMIC BOOK MOVIES A BAD NAME!
Having never read any Green Lantern comics, or seen him in any other media before, I have no idea if it’s true to the comics. Either way, it sucks.
OK, so there are 3600 odd Green Lanterns, who each protect 1/3600 of the universe. Each has a magic ring which allows him to create anything he can imagine. The ring is charged by a lantern, which in turn is charged by the central core, which is charged by the will power of everyone in the universe.
That’s stupid.
Yes, lots of comic book characters have stupid origins, most to do with the magical properties of “radiation,” but still, he gets his abilities from will power? Really?
It gets worse.
The big bad is charged by fear. However, fear turns out to be a less stable form of energy, which is why he goes insane and decides to destroy the universe.
I could go on to describe the long list of plot holes in the film, but when the basic concept is so stupid do I need to say more?
That said, I did like the remake of Superman’s balcony scene.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Bad Teacher
The film starts with Elizabeth Halsey, the Bad Teacher, quitting the profession after finishing her 1st year to get married and live happily ever after.
Short film.
Unfortunately things don’t quite go to plan, as the pesky mother-in-law-to-be stops the wedding, just because Lizy has no interest in her fiancé other than his wallet.
Very bad.
Not because Lizy deserved to live happily ever after, far, far from it. No, this is awful because it means another class of school kids must now suffer a year of Elizabeth.
The plot then focuses on Lizy trying to raise enough money to raise enough cup sizes to raise enough interest in a man wealthy enough to raise her, while obviously being an awful teacher.
It’s not a dreadful film, but it does suffer from what appears to be an increasingly common illness in films latterly:
No Likable Characters Syndrome
Obviously, from the title, Elizabeth was set to be a bit of a waste of space, but did they really have to try to make every other character even less likable just to get us on her side?
In summary : ...bleh?
Short film.
Unfortunately things don’t quite go to plan, as the pesky mother-in-law-to-be stops the wedding, just because Lizy has no interest in her fiancé other than his wallet.
Very bad.
Not because Lizy deserved to live happily ever after, far, far from it. No, this is awful because it means another class of school kids must now suffer a year of Elizabeth.
The plot then focuses on Lizy trying to raise enough money to raise enough cup sizes to raise enough interest in a man wealthy enough to raise her, while obviously being an awful teacher.
It’s not a dreadful film, but it does suffer from what appears to be an increasingly common illness in films latterly:
No Likable Characters Syndrome
Obviously, from the title, Elizabeth was set to be a bit of a waste of space, but did they really have to try to make every other character even less likable just to get us on her side?
In summary : ...bleh?
Saturday, June 18, 2011
X Men First Class
Honestly, the title says pretty much everything you need to know. This is, quite simply, a first class X Men movie.
It was the best X I’ve ever had. It rocks. (It’s still cool to say “rocks” right? Good, good)
The original idea of the film was to be “X-Men Origins: Magneto,” and the final product didn’t stray too far from that. Sure, there’s a little bit on Prof X and the creation of the X-Men concept, but Magneto is pure class and easily steals the limelight.
We open with the scene from the first X movie, with Magneto in the concentration camp, ripping apart a metal gate to get to his mum. Only this time we get to see what happens next...
...Magneto is taken into a room and introduced to the villain of the film: Sebastian Shaw!
...yeah, I had no idea who he was either, don’t feel bad.
Anyway, Sebastian is very interested in seeing more of Magneto’s powers. Unfortunately, Mini-Mag can’t control his powers yet and Sebastian is unimpressed. To help Magneto focus, Sebastian points a gun at his mum...
...then pulls the trigger.
And so we have the setting of our tale: Magneto’s quest for vengeance.
It rocks!
Some other stuff happens to, nuclear war, end of humanity, etc. We also see a little of Prof X’s kiddiehood. Turns out he was a bit of a jerk. Same goes for Beast. But don’t worry, none of that gets in Magneto’s way.
Did I mention it rocks?
It was the best X I’ve ever had. It rocks. (It’s still cool to say “rocks” right? Good, good)
The original idea of the film was to be “X-Men Origins: Magneto,” and the final product didn’t stray too far from that. Sure, there’s a little bit on Prof X and the creation of the X-Men concept, but Magneto is pure class and easily steals the limelight.
We open with the scene from the first X movie, with Magneto in the concentration camp, ripping apart a metal gate to get to his mum. Only this time we get to see what happens next...
...Magneto is taken into a room and introduced to the villain of the film: Sebastian Shaw!
...yeah, I had no idea who he was either, don’t feel bad.
Anyway, Sebastian is very interested in seeing more of Magneto’s powers. Unfortunately, Mini-Mag can’t control his powers yet and Sebastian is unimpressed. To help Magneto focus, Sebastian points a gun at his mum...
...then pulls the trigger.
And so we have the setting of our tale: Magneto’s quest for vengeance.
It rocks!
Some other stuff happens to, nuclear war, end of humanity, etc. We also see a little of Prof X’s kiddiehood. Turns out he was a bit of a jerk. Same goes for Beast. But don’t worry, none of that gets in Magneto’s way.
Did I mention it rocks?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Pirates of the Caribbean 4
If you haven’t watched the first three Pirates of the Caribbean... don’t. Although the first film was fun, the second started losing it and the third? To quote myself:
“Why?... Why?... Why?”
With the focus on an unbelievably (literally, it didn’t make any sense) annoying yo-yo relationship between boring characters Will and Elizabeth set to a pointlessly confusing background story, P of the C 3 hurt.
But let’s not linger on old, painful memories. The past exists for us to learn from our mistakes and improve our future.
Has Pirates 4 done that?
Kinda.
Will and Elizabeth are not mentioned, at all, so immediately a step in the right direction, there are a lot less places to ask “Why?” and the focus is now almost exclusively on Jack, a very big step in the right direction.
Depp is sexy.
If you liked the first film, and are lucky enough to have forgotten the other two, it’s definitely worth a watch.
... huh... I did a whole review without even one spoiler...
First time for everything I guess.
P.S. Jack dies.
“Why?... Why?... Why?”
With the focus on an unbelievably (literally, it didn’t make any sense) annoying yo-yo relationship between boring characters Will and Elizabeth set to a pointlessly confusing background story, P of the C 3 hurt.
But let’s not linger on old, painful memories. The past exists for us to learn from our mistakes and improve our future.
Has Pirates 4 done that?
Kinda.
Will and Elizabeth are not mentioned, at all, so immediately a step in the right direction, there are a lot less places to ask “Why?” and the focus is now almost exclusively on Jack, a very big step in the right direction.
Depp is sexy.
If you liked the first film, and are lucky enough to have forgotten the other two, it’s definitely worth a watch.
... huh... I did a whole review without even one spoiler...
First time for everything I guess.
P.S. Jack dies.
Fast Five
Having not seen any of the first four Fast and Furious films, it’s possible that I didn’t really care about anyone in this film as much I was suppose to...
...unless I wasn’t suppose to care about anyone at all.
That said, it’s not a bad little time filler. It’s got pretty cars, train robberies, bank robberies, guns, car chases and two big guys, who are both too manly to admit they’re in love, pounding on each other.
What more do you want from an action film?
...unless I wasn’t suppose to care about anyone at all.
That said, it’s not a bad little time filler. It’s got pretty cars, train robberies, bank robberies, guns, car chases and two big guys, who are both too manly to admit they’re in love, pounding on each other.
What more do you want from an action film?
Thor
Once upon a time, the Ice Giants came to Earth to freeze everything and kill lots of people. Why? Erm, they’re evil?
Anyway, along came Odin, King of the Asgards. He kicked Ice Butt, and stole their power source, leaving them a shadow of their former glory and bringing peace back to the universe.
Skip ahead a few thousand years, Odin is about to hand over his crown to his eldest son, Thor, when the Icicles decide to strike. They fail, painfully, but disrupt Thor’s coronation. Thor gets a little annoyed and decides to go kick Ice Butt, like his dad did in the good old days. Odin tells him to drop it, as he has no intention of repeating that war.
Thor, like an obedient little son, goes to start a war. Needless to say, Odin is a bit miffed when he finds out, and does what any father would do if they’re superhuman son tried to start a war with a bunch of Ice Lolies: Strips him of his powers, banishes him to Earth, and enchants his hammer so that whoever manages to lift it, if he be worthy, would have Thor’s powers.
And so begins Thor’s quest to prove himself worthy of being himself...
... unfortunately a sweet little innocent 6 year old girl gets to it first, and Thor spends the rest of his days as a mere mortal. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Thor is a great film. It’s got humour, action, superheroes and a decent simple story. EVERYTHING works, it’s definitely worth watching.
... now that’s out of the way, here’s a list of things that didn’t work:
*SPOILERS*
Odin’s parenting style: OK, Odin generally seems like a pretty intelligent and respectable guy, and he has had thousands and thousands of years of experience, so how the heck did he think it would be a good idea to effectively pit his sons, princes of the most powerful kingdom in the universe, against each other.
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings."
Let’s face it, to a kid, that would translate to:
"Fight, fight for your father’s affection. I will give the throne to my favorite."
Thor’s stupidity: ... not sure I have much to add... Thor’s an idiot. Seriously, he’s from the most advanced civilisation in the universe and he thinks it’s appropriate to smash his cup to ask for more drink? What kind of highly sophisticated society would go around smashing dishes after every meal... apart from the Greeks... hmmm... never mind.
No one shooting Thor: I’m sorry, but why? Why? Why do they just let Thor walk into a military base, beat everyone up, then just let him leave? Why?!?! Shoot him!!! Why are you not shooting him!?!? You’re suppose to be American!!! Bush would never have let this happen. When Bush was in charge they were blowing the sh*t outa alien Keanu Reaves who came in peace...
Seriously though, it’s a really nice film.
Go watch.
Anyway, along came Odin, King of the Asgards. He kicked Ice Butt, and stole their power source, leaving them a shadow of their former glory and bringing peace back to the universe.
Skip ahead a few thousand years, Odin is about to hand over his crown to his eldest son, Thor, when the Icicles decide to strike. They fail, painfully, but disrupt Thor’s coronation. Thor gets a little annoyed and decides to go kick Ice Butt, like his dad did in the good old days. Odin tells him to drop it, as he has no intention of repeating that war.
Thor, like an obedient little son, goes to start a war. Needless to say, Odin is a bit miffed when he finds out, and does what any father would do if they’re superhuman son tried to start a war with a bunch of Ice Lolies: Strips him of his powers, banishes him to Earth, and enchants his hammer so that whoever manages to lift it, if he be worthy, would have Thor’s powers.
And so begins Thor’s quest to prove himself worthy of being himself...
... unfortunately a sweet little innocent 6 year old girl gets to it first, and Thor spends the rest of his days as a mere mortal. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Thor is a great film. It’s got humour, action, superheroes and a decent simple story. EVERYTHING works, it’s definitely worth watching.
... now that’s out of the way, here’s a list of things that didn’t work:
*SPOILERS*
Odin’s parenting style: OK, Odin generally seems like a pretty intelligent and respectable guy, and he has had thousands and thousands of years of experience, so how the heck did he think it would be a good idea to effectively pit his sons, princes of the most powerful kingdom in the universe, against each other.
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings."
Let’s face it, to a kid, that would translate to:
"Fight, fight for your father’s affection. I will give the throne to my favorite."
Thor’s stupidity: ... not sure I have much to add... Thor’s an idiot. Seriously, he’s from the most advanced civilisation in the universe and he thinks it’s appropriate to smash his cup to ask for more drink? What kind of highly sophisticated society would go around smashing dishes after every meal... apart from the Greeks... hmmm... never mind.
No one shooting Thor: I’m sorry, but why? Why? Why do they just let Thor walk into a military base, beat everyone up, then just let him leave? Why?!?! Shoot him!!! Why are you not shooting him!?!? You’re suppose to be American!!! Bush would never have let this happen. When Bush was in charge they were blowing the sh*t outa alien Keanu Reaves who came in peace...
Seriously though, it’s a really nice film.
Go watch.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Kung Fu Panda 2
For those who haven’t seen the first Kung Fu Panda Movie: Go watch it! What’s wrong with you?!?! Freak.
By which, I mean, Kung Fu Panda told the story of Po, an overweight lazy son of a noodle shop owner, who spent all day fantasizing about being a Kung Fu master. As fate would have it, he is accidently pointed at by the great Master Oogway as being the Dragon Warrior. Master Oogway, however, doesn’t believe in accidents, and so the Panda’s training begins.
"Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes."
The second movie starts up where the first movie left off, with Po living with the Furious Five and Master Shifu, eating a lot and helping keep the locals safe from danger. We then discover a shocking truth:
*Major Spoiler*
Po is adopted!!!! Mr Ping, the Goose who owns the Noodle and Tofu restaurant (that’s right, he makes Tofu now! Living the dream) is not his real father!!!
Po then goes on a quest to find inner peace, discover his origins and stop the big bad Lord Shen from conquering China.
Is it a good film? Yes.
Is it as good as the first? No.
Unlike the first film, the second is in a tricky position when it comes to Po. They clearly don’t want to lose the humour they had around him being the fat lazy accidental hero, but they can’t ignore the fact that he basically finished the first film as a Kung Fu Master. As such, they kind of blend the two, making Po’s silly moments feel more forced. Also, a lot of the jokes in the second film are either taken from or extensions of jokes from the first.
Still, if you liked the first, it’s a good film and worth a watch.
By which, I mean, Kung Fu Panda told the story of Po, an overweight lazy son of a noodle shop owner, who spent all day fantasizing about being a Kung Fu master. As fate would have it, he is accidently pointed at by the great Master Oogway as being the Dragon Warrior. Master Oogway, however, doesn’t believe in accidents, and so the Panda’s training begins.
"Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes."
The second movie starts up where the first movie left off, with Po living with the Furious Five and Master Shifu, eating a lot and helping keep the locals safe from danger. We then discover a shocking truth:
*Major Spoiler*
Po is adopted!!!! Mr Ping, the Goose who owns the Noodle and Tofu restaurant (that’s right, he makes Tofu now! Living the dream) is not his real father!!!
Po then goes on a quest to find inner peace, discover his origins and stop the big bad Lord Shen from conquering China.
Is it a good film? Yes.
Is it as good as the first? No.
Unlike the first film, the second is in a tricky position when it comes to Po. They clearly don’t want to lose the humour they had around him being the fat lazy accidental hero, but they can’t ignore the fact that he basically finished the first film as a Kung Fu Master. As such, they kind of blend the two, making Po’s silly moments feel more forced. Also, a lot of the jokes in the second film are either taken from or extensions of jokes from the first.
Still, if you liked the first, it’s a good film and worth a watch.
Arthur
A modern day remake of the 1981 film by the same name, Arthur tells the tale of the poor little rich kid, who is given an ultimatum by his cold-hearted mother. Marry a girl he doesn’t love or lose all his wealth. Oh, and just to add to the pressure, he conveniently bumps into another girl, the girl of his dreams, at the same time.
Oh what to do?
Well, first you should probably get a builder in, to fix up some of the massive plot holes.
Arthur’s relationships with just about every other character make no sense.
His mum – successful business lady who takes no sh*t.
Why would she wait so long to sort Arthur out? Why wouldn’t she cut off his money years ago? Why would she think marriage would be the answer to all her issues with him? Wouldn’t something like “Give up drink or the money” have made a lot more sense?
His nanny – kind hearted, sensible, wants Arthur to turn out well.
How the hell did she raise him so wrong? She’s basically been his mum since he was a baby, so what the hell went wrong? And why wasn’t she fired years and years ago when Arthur clearly showed he was out of control?
His driver – idiot.
Nuff said? You’re a multi-billionaire, do you really hire an idiot to look after your only heir?
His wife to be – daughter of a self-made millionaire.
Why would she want to marry Arthur? Money, yes, but the film suggests she’s more interested in his name. What name? The only reputation he has is as a drunk who sleeps with anything that moves. Also, why does Arthur reject her so much? He sleeps with anything that moves. Just seems like a big change from that to the guy who’s holding out for his true love to come along.
Arthur – likable little billionaire puppy.
. . . but he’s not really likable. He’s in a position where he could do great things, but just pisses it all away. That’s kinda annoying.
That said, Arthur’s not really that bad a film. It does have some funny lines and amusing scenes.
But, like Arthur, it could have been more.
Oh what to do?
Well, first you should probably get a builder in, to fix up some of the massive plot holes.
Arthur’s relationships with just about every other character make no sense.
His mum – successful business lady who takes no sh*t.
Why would she wait so long to sort Arthur out? Why wouldn’t she cut off his money years ago? Why would she think marriage would be the answer to all her issues with him? Wouldn’t something like “Give up drink or the money” have made a lot more sense?
His nanny – kind hearted, sensible, wants Arthur to turn out well.
How the hell did she raise him so wrong? She’s basically been his mum since he was a baby, so what the hell went wrong? And why wasn’t she fired years and years ago when Arthur clearly showed he was out of control?
His driver – idiot.
Nuff said? You’re a multi-billionaire, do you really hire an idiot to look after your only heir?
His wife to be – daughter of a self-made millionaire.
Why would she want to marry Arthur? Money, yes, but the film suggests she’s more interested in his name. What name? The only reputation he has is as a drunk who sleeps with anything that moves. Also, why does Arthur reject her so much? He sleeps with anything that moves. Just seems like a big change from that to the guy who’s holding out for his true love to come along.
Arthur – likable little billionaire puppy.
. . . but he’s not really likable. He’s in a position where he could do great things, but just pisses it all away. That’s kinda annoying.
That said, Arthur’s not really that bad a film. It does have some funny lines and amusing scenes.
But, like Arthur, it could have been more.
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